I think I am dead inside.

[Cupcake]

Hi SS friends,



Before I begin this thread, I want to say that this may be triggering for some. There is talk of abortion.



Anyway, I took the abortion pill last night. I thought I would be devastated that I allowed my child to die, but I basically felt nothing. Nothing besides the cramps that one feels when taking the abortion pill.



I expected to cry, to hate myself, to feel intense guilt, but I mostly felt and still feel nothing.



I always thought that getting an abortion would devastate me beyond repair, but it was all just so easy… A little TOO easy, in fact.



I wonder if I'm just in shock or if I really am so dead inside that the only thing alive in me is the physical body. I feel that, each day, I am getting closer and closer to suicide.



I don't have the courage to do it now, but I do strongly feel that, someday soon, I will. Some last straw that broke the cammel's back will happen, and I'll just take my SN on an impulse and leave this shit world behind.



I guess I did the right thing by getting an abortion, I don't know. I'm not a good mother, by any means, though my kids adore me, God knows why. Also, I am extremely anemic and probably wouldn't have been able to carry the pregnancy to term anyway, due to my poor health.



I'm also trying to recover from being hit by a car, and, when I was pregnant, I started feeling really, super tired the last week. So tired I found myself asleep more than I was awake, and, for me, that never happens.



My baby was about eight weeks old. I hope that my little bean is in peace, and I'm glad that he/she will never have to face all the suffering that goes on in this plain.



RIP my little bean. Maybe we'll meet someday. I'm sorry I couldn't show any emotion for you, I tried, I really did, but Mommy's too dead to feel, I guess.



Anyway, thanks for reading my depressing thread. I am grateful to all you guys.



Cupcake

 

[Final Escape]

I felt nothing after my abortions either at least initially. It only caught up with me many years down the road when I realized my kids would have brought me a lot of meaning. I suddenly realized the gravity of what I did by aborting all of my children. Thankfully u got to have some of your kids because for me childlessness is painful at 42. I feel like there's a huge part of my life missing. Abortion is legal for reasons many people don't really understand. Its not because it's good for women although in some instances it may be needed, but the majority are carried out because the baby is inconvenient at the time or reasons that are not legit to destroy the life of the unborn child. It's also an incentive problem. If you don't pay women to go through with a pregnancy to give up to someone who can raise the child they will choose abortion because they get little benefit from having the child and loss of income etc. Not many women are willing to make a sacrifice to have a child for someone else if they don't get compensated well for it.

 

[Cupcake]

I felt nothing after my abortions either at least initially. It only caught up with me many years down the road when I realized my kids would have brought me a lot of meaning. I suddenly realized the gravity of what I did by aborting all of my children. Thankfully u got to have some of your kids because for me childlessness is painful at 42. I feel like there's a huge part of my life missing. Abortion is legal for reasons many people don't really understand. Its not because it's good for women although in some instances it may be needed, but the majority are carried out because the baby is inconvenient at the time or reasons that are not legit to destroy the life of the unborn child. It's also an incentive problem. If you don't pay women to go through with a pregnancy to give up to someone who can raise the child they will choose abortion because they get little benefit from having the child and loss of income etc. Not many women are willing to make a sacrifice to have a child for someone else if they don't get compensated well for it.

Hello Final Escape,



Thank you for your thoughtful reply.



I'm very sorry that you had to go through the abortion experience. I wish things had turned out differently for you, better for you. I wish it for all of us on here, that our lives had been better, different, that we could all be happy and enjoy life to the fullest.



Maybe I will feel something years down the road, if I'm still here, we'll see. I just feel like I'm doing something wrong or that I am evil for not grieving the loss of my child.



But, as that one song by the Goo Goo Dolls, "you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'.



So, I can't force it: I guess the feelings are going to have to come on their own terms, if they come at all.



In a way, though, I also kind of like feeling numb. I've felt so much pain already in my relatively short life, I feel like I don't have any more room for more.



Anyway, peace/hugs to you, and thanks again for your thoughtful post.