Help i think i abuse him

[Life_and_Death]

"is it ok if i...." this is the question my friend asks me on occasion. i feel horrible that this is something he does subconsciously. "is she ok?" "can i leave her alone for a minute?" my neediness hurt him. hes so much better off with out me. all i do is hurt him.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I can understand at times what it's like to have people care and to try and avoid them for that very same caring behaviour on their end.
But in the end, it should be your choice. If what you wrote in the final part of your post is true that he might be better off that way... Then don't feel guilty over any of it. Guilt, Fear and Doubt are some of the worst emotions to be honest... The less they happen in one's mind, the better it will be. :)
Perhaps you could tell your friend that it's a good thing and that they are caring towards you with the question " Is she alright or okay? ", but that it's also a thing which requires them to give you distance and breathing space as well? I had people in the past get obsessive over me though and that can be a bit scary. At least that friend is being harmless with their questions, perhaps expressing human curiosity and a concern.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I can understand at times what it's like to have people care and to try and avoid them for that very same caring behaviour on their end.
But in the end, it should be your choice. If what you wrote in the final part of your post is true that he might be better off that way... Then don't feel guilty over any of it. Guilt, Fear and Doubt are some of the worst emotions to be honest... The less they happen in one's mind, the better it will be. :)
Perhaps you could tell your friend that it's a good thing and that they are caring towards you with the question " Is she alright or okay? ", but that it's also a thing which requires them to give you distance and breathing space as well? I had people in the past get obsessive over me though and that can be a bit scary. At least that friend is being harmless with their questions, perhaps expressing human curiosity and a concern.

ive been trying to change it by assuring him im fine and that he doesnt need to ask. basically the opposite of how it started

 

[so tired or manic]

I've been told that thinking this way is taking away their choice. it's wanting to remove yourself to save him, without letting him decide if he wants to leave. maybe ask him why he asks these things? ask him if he wants to stick around.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

ive been trying to change it by assuring him im fine and that he doesnt need to ask. basically the opposite of how it started

Hm, I see. I guess a lot of factors can depend, but I guess he should give you more space then and stop with the questions? :)

 

[Life_and_Death]

I've been told that thinking this way is taking away their choice. it's wanting to remove yourself to save him, without letting him decide if he wants to leave. maybe ask him why he asks these things? ask him if he wants to stick around.

i already know the answer. its something i ask him a bit. basically as long as im happy hes cool with whatever. but he'd really love to stay in my life no matter what.

Hm, I see. I guess a lot of factors can depend, but I guess he should give you more space then and stop with the questions? :)

hes just concerned my disorders will act up while hes gone and he wants to be there in case i need to vent.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I understand... Hm, maybe it's not a bad thing then. I guess in the end it all depends on how you feel.
Venting is always important though... Being heard out, it does make a difference.

 

[so tired or manic]

well, you have your answers then. anything from there is on him and you've done everything you can. I know that's implying you're abusive, but that's the thinking that gets me to stop worrying how people are responding to me. it's not my decision if they want to put up with me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

well, you have your answers then. anything from there is on him and you've done everything you can. I know that's implying you're abusive, but that's the thinking that gets me to stop worrying how people are responding to me. it's not my decision if they want to put up with me.

i wouldnt say it implies im abusive. i take the steps necessary to talk about things and he understands its my disorders. it just means its up to him at this point.

I understand... Hm, maybe it's not a bad thing then. I guess in the end it all depends on how you feel.
Venting is always important though... Being heard out, it does make a difference.

it really does. i dont think i would have made it this far if i didnt have someone i trust the way i do him :)
@so tired or manic @Vorty27 thank you guys i dont feel quite so horrible now, but i guess everyone has something that wouldnt be a bad idea to change :)

 

[CuddleHug]

I struggle with this as well. My therapist keeps telling me it's up to them to decide what they can handle. It's jsust so hard for me to accept that someone would sacrifice part of their own well-being for me. I'm not worth it. I know I'm not. However, again, I can't decide that for someone else, they are entitled to their own opinion on the matter. If they think I'm worth the effort, it would be wrong of me to deny that to them.

Something like that... I understand the concept of it, but honestly, I don't live by it. I keep pushing people away to protect them from me. To me that feels right. I'd argue that that's my choice as well.

I'm glad you feel a little better about it now. From an outside perspective, it definitely sounds like he is worth your trust and is important to you. I think you should trust him when he says he wants to be there for you.

Hugs and hugs

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I understand your desire to not hurt anyone but it's not fair to treat your friend like he can't think freely either. He clearly cares about you, and I imagine he feels like that because of his own desires and interests rather than something you've forced on him. Let people love you; care is a two-way thing, so don't punish yourself by pretending that his end of the friendship doesn't really exist and that you control him.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I understand your desire to not hurt anyone but it's not fair to treat your friend like he can't think freely either. He clearly cares about you, and I imagine he feels like that because of his own desires and interests rather than something you've forced on him. Let people love you; care is a two-way thing, so don't punish yourself by pretending that his end of the friendship doesn't really exist and that you control him.

something im told every time this bothers me lol. i know hes his own person and hes just looking out for me, but the things i say and my reactions to things....just everything bothers me and like im not a good enough friend after everything hes done for me.

 

[so tired or manic]

this thinking is part of the reason I don't have anyone I can call a friend anymore. while I miss them sometimes, I'm less worried more often because I'm not worrying about them.

it was also the PTSD. my brain goes into a flight mode when anyone gets close and in the end I hurt whoever I'm talking to in order to get them to stop trying.

during the abuse I had already chased off 90% of my friends because of the manipulation of her always telling me no one likes me except her and would back it up in various ways, twisting things. since then I haven't been able to trust that anyone gets close other than to use me.

I guess I'm trying to say that I've been more at peace without friends. not something I'd suggest since humans tend to do better with companions, but figure a different view might make some sense.

 

[Belit667]

He wants to be your bf, wants to be close to you all the time. Make a decision. Take him in or kick him in the nuts.

 

[Life_and_Death]

He wants to be your bf, wants to be close to you all the time. Make a decision. Take him in or kick him in the nuts.

not denying or agreeing but whered you get that?

 

[Belit667]

Spider sense! ;)

 

[Life_and_Death]

Spider sense! ;)

hes an ex of mine thats always cared about me but i fucked it all up then left him because of it, although our feelings never changed lol

 

[Belit667]

So I guessed right, he probably wants to get back with you and make babies! Eeeeeeewwww! ;) ;)

 

[Life_and_Death]

So I guessed right, he probably wants to get back with you and make babies! Eeeeeeewwww! ;) ;)

no he doesnt, he doesnt like kids. however you were right. he does want to be with me lol

 

[Belit667]

OK. So your choice is to keep torturing him or make things clear. Your decision. He probably still hopes to get back to you. You could just step on that hope for his sake, so he can be free and hunt for some other babe. ;)

 

[Life_and_Death]

OK. So your choice is to keep torturing him or make things clear. Your decision. He probably still hopes to get back to you. You could just step on that hope for his sake, so he can be free and hunt for some other babe. ;)

i tried. i even offered helping him make a tinder account or something lol. i cant get rid of him (ive tried many many times) and he doesnt want anyone else. we talked about his crush before he knew me and without question the answer was still me lol

 

[Belit667]

Seems like a hopeless case. His decision. You don't abuse him, it's him abusing himself and you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Seems like a hopeless case. His decision. You don't abuse him, it's him abusing himself and you.

hes not abusing anyone. although if you wanted to say he's torturing himself i wont disagree lol. with me being suicidal though hes just scared im going to do something stupid if he leaves (which i dont blame him for) i mean hes kinda been my rock while my husband took a few years to figure out how bad my disorders are. hes finally coming around and figuring it out though so now i guess i have 2 rocks lol

 

[Belit667]

I apologize for my offensive assumption.
My advise is worthless anyway. It was nice to talk to you. :)
I do hope you make things right with him.

 

[raindrops]

"is it ok if i...." this is the question my friend asks me on occasion. i feel horrible that this is something he does subconsciously. "is she ok?" "can i leave her alone for a minute?" my neediness hurt him. hes so much better off with out me. all i do is hurt him.

my partner left me because I was needy. If I give you my brutal honesty opinion without being rude... put yourself first, do stuff you enjoy without him, don't rely on him. As I type that I still haven't applied any of that to my life, it's difficult.