I think a there's a piece of my brain that wants someone to come in and stop me before I go through with it in 2 weeks.

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I can't tell if that means I should put it off to another date or if it's just SI manifesting in a strange way.

When I was a young teen I used to fantasize about a teacher or parent seeing the cuts on my arm and me getting sent to a psych ward. Something about everyone pulling out all the stops just to make sure I was cared for (even against my will) made the idea very attractive to a neglected feeling young me. My mom actually did eventually see them, but she just ended up grounding me. So much for that lol.

But a very small part of me has gone back to hoping someone finds out and stops me before the 5th. Normally I'd take this as a pretty obvious sign I don't actually want to kill myself, and this is just another fantasy my brain has constructed to make myself feel worthy of care, but I just can't source where these thoughts are coming from. I don't want the "help" so called professionals would offer. And while the thought of all the friends that moved on from me to bigger and better things all suddenly caring about me again is (pretty selfishly I admit) a comforting thought, it's not like that would nullify my reasons for wanting to CTB.

I'm satisfied with my decision. I don't relate to "not wanting to die, just wanting the pain to stop". I want non-existence more than anything. Even as a child I could never see myself growing old. I mean, the whole "dying" part of actually going from existing to not existing terrifies the fucking hell out of me, but at this point that's a fear I'm more than willing to overcome.

And yet there's this teeny tiny fraction of my psyche that just wants someone to bust through my door and throw out months of planning and mental preperation, and it's enough to make me question whether or not I'm doing this for the right reasons.

 

[FuneralCry]

Well we are programmed to survive after all, even know we want to die, it goes against our instinct to survive. The survival instinct can manifest in different ways. It can be very frustrating. I also want non existence, I can relate, it isn't so much wanting the pain to stop, I am not interested in life and I want nothing to do with living. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can't tell if that means I should put it off to another date or if it's just SI manifesting in a strange way.

When I was a young teen I used to fantasize about a teacher or parent seeing the cuts on my arm and me getting sent to a psych ward. Something about everyone pulling out all the stops just to make sure I was cared for (even against my will) made the idea very attractive to a neglected feeling young me. My mom actually did eventually see them, but she just ended up grounding me. So much for that lol.

But a very small part of me has gone back to hoping someone finds out and stops me before the 5th. Normally I'd take this as a pretty obvious sign I don't actually want to kill myself, and this is just another fantasy my brain has constructed to make myself feel worthy of care, but I just can't source where these thoughts are coming from. I don't want the "help" so called professionals would offer. And while the thought of all the friends that moved on from me to bigger and better things all suddenly caring about me again is (pretty selfishly I admit) a comforting thought, it's not like that would nullify my reasons for wanting to CTB.

I'm satisfied with my decision. I don't relate to "not wanting to die, just wanting the pain to stop". I want non-existence more than anything. Even as a child I could never see myself growing old. I mean, the whole "dying" part of actually going from existing to not existing terrifies the fucking hell out of me, but at this point that's a fear I'm more than willing to overcome.

And yet there's this teeny tiny fraction of my psyche that just wants someone to bust through my door and throw out months of planning and mental preperation, and it's enough to make me question whether or not I'm doing this for the right reasons.

I feel you. Because the thing is you really don't want to die. You just want your life to be a whole lot better.

 

[4eyebiped]

I am not a therapist and I am about as dense as a block of lead. Probably more so. With that said, and from my interpretation, all your statements seem to suggest that what you want and desire is that one person to step in and sincerely say, "Hey, you are valuable, I truly and unconditionally care for you and I will do whatever it takes to protect and help you." If that is the case, then there is nothing selfish for enjoying and desiring any combination of unconditional love, attention, affection, care, concern and so forth. These are basic desires most have and I wish it was something everyone that desired it had. I imagine the world would be a completely different place if that was so.

 

[Soapie]

I get that too. I think its normal to a degree. Wanting to be cared for and just knowing that someone would do anything to keep you around is really comforting. Whenever I'm in a really really rough spot and dealing with suicidal thoughts, while I'm never able to communicate them, I always just want someone to read my mind and ask me if I'm okay. I of course know its not gonna happen but its at least a comforting thought. Same goes for an actual attempt. If I am going to get caught doing this, I at least want it to be somebody that cares for me. If I have to be saved, then I want to be woken up from my SN-induced blackout to a face that wants my pain to go away. I genuinely want nothing more in my short life than to be truly truly cared for, and in this morbid reality where suicide is inevitable, I think it's natural to want affection during such a vulnerable time.

 

[Crimsonghost3]

As much as I wish that my ex would do this she is the only person with a key to my place I would just give her the things I'm leaving for her and have her go. I don't think its SI I think its just a comfort for the end a feeling to hold onto to help some of us ease into what's next. For that feeling to come to fruition we would have to ctb so that person or people can come save us so as we go we go with the peaceful thought of being cared for at least that's what I feel mine is

 

[m13here]

I feel you. Because the thing is you really don't want to die. You just want your life to be a whole lot better.

So true! I think that's a huge part of me. I want the pain to go away and want life to be better. Except right now I don't think it will get better.

I can't tell if that means I should put it off to another date or if it's just SI manifesting in a strange way.

When I was a young teen I used to fantasize about a teacher or parent seeing the cuts on my arm and me getting sent to a psych ward. Something about everyone pulling out all the stops just to make sure I was cared for (even against my will) made the idea very attractive to a neglected feeling young me. My mom actually did eventually see them, but she just ended up grounding me. So much for that lol.

But a very small part of me has gone back to hoping someone finds out and stops me before the 5th. Normally I'd take this as a pretty obvious sign I don't actually want to kill myself, and this is just another fantasy my brain has constructed to make myself feel worthy of care, but I just can't source where these thoughts are coming from. I don't want the "help" so called professionals would offer. And while the thought of all the friends that moved on from me to bigger and better things all suddenly caring about me again is (pretty selfishly I admit) a comforting thought, it's not like that would nullify my reasons for wanting to CTB.

I'm satisfied with my decision. I don't relate to "not wanting to die, just wanting the pain to stop". I want non-existence more than anything. Even as a child I could never see myself growing old. I mean, the whole "dying" part of actually going from existing to not existing terrifies the fucking hell out of me, but at this point that's a fear I'm more than willing to overcome.

And yet there's this teeny tiny fraction of my psyche that just wants someone to bust through my door and throw out months of planning and mental preperation, and it's enough to make me question whether or not I'm doing this for the right reasons.

I understand you . I'm a middle child. To this day my parents do so much for my two sisters. I have always felt left out, unnoticed, and unloved. And lately I feel that way from my husband.
I feel abandoned and so alone. I just want one person to tell me that I matter and not alone and really truly mean it. I just wish for once I didn't feel left out or all alone. I just want to truly loved for once instead of all of my mistakes and bad qualities pointed out.
And for years I have pictured me dead in a casket as a younger person vs being old. So I know where you are coming from.
Maybe we just want to be noticed for once before it's too late.
Hugs.