Thank you so much to everyone who reacted or replied. I feel overwhelmed with emotion right now - I wasn't expecting this kind of response at all. I said in my OP that I didn't know what I wanted from this thread, but I think I needed this kind of diverse set of responses to figure out what felt good and what didn't. This post will get ugly if I quote each and every post, so I'll mostly reply with tags instead.
@bankai,
@beandigger404,
@Namelesa,
@dust-in-the-wind, and
@monetpompo, thank you for letting me know explicitly that I'm not alone right now. Everyone who reacted or replied let me know this in a way, but it felt especially good to read it outright.
@Namelesa and
@Grog my counting pals, thank you for thinking that I'm not a terrible person for wanting to die. I've basically never gotten this message from anyone in my life, and I will do my best to internalize it. Even if it doesn't feel true. Maybe especially because it doesn't.
@darksouls and
@Doll Steak, thank you for expressing sympathy for my suffering and wishing me peace in my decision. Again, this is a message that I've basically never gotten before, and I wonder if I'd be feeling so terrible right now if the people in my life had told me the same thing.
@bankai,
@beandigger404, and
@Tired_birth_1967, thank you for wondering if it truly is the right time for me to go. I think it is, but I reserve the right to back out if it ends up feeling wrong with the noose around my neck. I hope beyond hope that that doesn't happen.
I can empathize with you and want to die very soon as well. I am also mostly bedridden with major depression and can hardly move, although I don't hallucinate, I do have pretty bad anxiety too. I cry several times a day and cry thinking about my death. I also have people I will devastate and my beloved dog. But my quality of life is zero. I am seriously mentally ill. You are not alone in your anguish.
This was relatable as fuck to read. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain right now, and if you do end up dying soon, I hope it grants you the relief you're looking for.
In fact, I think you're a really cool person. You're someone who matters. You're someone worth knowing.
This made me weep. Thank you. I think you're really cool too.
we're in this together eva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everything sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a pretty close end date myself. i've just been thinking about it. it's pretty haunting to know that you really are going to kill yourself soon. i'm so sorry that you're at the phase where you're grieving your life and crying so much. i've literally just been playing video games and listening to music, so i'm not any better than you. you probably just wanted somebody to understand how you're feeling, i think. i always feel like that when i post something on here, since i think all my feelings are stupid and make no sense. this is probably one of my first threads i've seen from you.
it's alright if you plan to die next week like you said or way later, like next year. you're never not going to die, even if you stop thinking about suicide. my advice is to try and relax even if that's stupid. i know there's no one you want to talk to and nothing you want to hear. it's alright to feel guilty about hurting people, too. i hope you stop feeling bad soon
I desperately needed to read this today. It did a little bit of everything. Thank you so much, monet. In this together, indeed. And I hope I stop feeling bad soon, too.
