I suppose this is it

[feggut]

Welp. My time has run out, there's no more lies I can tell, and nowhere left for me to run. I have no other choices. Everything I've ever done has led up to this point.
I'm going to become an hero at somepoint this coming week. No half measures. My intention is to use a giant drug cocktail clusterfuck; to take a lethal amount of oxy&dilaudid, mixed with benzos and alcohol (suggestions welcome!). Taken in both ends so if I vomit, I'll still get a lethal hit the other way. Think I'll pop dimenhydrinate and immodium to up my chances of maintaining continence. I'm prepared to suffer in agony while my body shuts down. Its inevitable.

I've left instructions for my family afterwards in which forest they can recover my body. If by some chance I don't immediately expire when found, I'll be as good as dead anyway.

Whats weird to me is that I should feel something (relief/sadness/peace?), but truth is I don't feel much of anything at all. I do however feel pity for my family for what they're about to soon endure. Nothing I can do to help it though.

Hell, why am I even writing this? Nobody cares and its not like I give two shits for a stranger's feigned pity.
lol felt emo might delete

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for and freedom from suffering.

 

[Circles]

Not to say your method won't work but if it does hope you find the peace you couldn't find in this life. So sorry.

 

[feggut]

Not to say your method won't work but if it does hope you find the peace you couldn't find in this life. So sorry.

Well if the drugs don't immediately work then I also have other methods planned as a backup. There's no coming back from this, and I'm certainly not expecting for it to be pleasant or easy.

 

[Circles]

Well if the drugs don't immediately work then I also have other methods planned as a backup. There's no coming back from this, and I'm certainly not expecting for it to be pleasant or easy.

You sound determined. I only wish I could be that determined like you but alas. Take care if you can and hope the time you have left will be tolerable. Peace be with you.

 

[MeltedJello]

Thank you for your time here & your posts. I'm sorry you had to experience this much pain & suffering. I really wish you peace with whatever you decide to do.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I wish you peaceful transition and freedom from suffering.

 

[feggut]

Thank you, everyone who noticed this thread. I appreciate you. I'm beginning to feel a tangible sense of peace for whats coming.
Still have some unfinished business to tend to, so meanwhile I'll stick around for a couple more days and contribute some more to this forum.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Welp. My time has run out, there's no more lies I can tell, and nowhere left for me to run. I have no other choices. Everything I've ever done has led up to this point.

Once the self delusion and excuses start to run out I think that is a sign letting you know it is time. Because I am experiencing the same thing at the moment.

Recognizing and calling out your own BS is the final straw. Once you realize this is it, this is your life and there is no happy ending you know you don't have much time left. What a bittersweet feeling.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I'm sorry you are here at this juncture @feggut

I'd like to offer an small appeal to your logical side just for a moment. Your chosen method sounds downright painful, maybe even downright cruel to yourself. I'm not judging you for choosing this method. I just want to remind you that the majority of drug overdoses fail and often have worse consequences such as severe organ damage. I doubt you want to wake up a week or so later in a hospital bed on machines regretting this plan.

Choosing an exit plan is the last act we do in this life, assuming its successful. No matter what you've done (or think you've done) you deserve compassion. Regardless of whether it's from a group of strangers or an act of compassion toward yourself, I hope you will consider being kinder toward yourself in your last hour. I don't think anyone deserves the torture or "agony" that will likely be the result of your proposed plan.

Either way, I wish nothing but the best outcomes for you.

 

[Luna77]

I'm sorry for your pain! Peace & love to you!

 

[feggut]

I'm sorry you are here at this juncture @feggut

I'd like to offer an small appeal to your logical side just for a moment. Your chosen method sounds downright painful, maybe even downright cruel to yourself. I'm not judging you for choosing this method. I just want to remind you that the majority of drug overdoses fail and often have worse consequences such as severe organ damage. I doubt you want to wake up a week or so later in a hospital bed on machines regretting this plan.

Choosing an exit plan is the last act we do in this life, assuming its successful. No matter what you've done (or think you've done) you deserve compassion. Regardless of whether it's from a group of strangers or an act of compassion toward yourself, I hope you will consider being kinder toward yourself in your last hour. I don't think anyone deserves the torture or "agony" that will likely be the result of your proposed plan.

Either way, I wish nothing but the best outcomes for you.

I appreciate the sentiment and your willingness to spend time on writing such a post. I understand where you're coming from with your appeal, yet I've seen/heard/read this same argument about a billion times. Though a small part of me still wishes I could be naive enough to be swayed by it.

I assure you though its not just mental illness that has brought me here. For the past decade I have suffered with a degenerative neurological/brain disease which has devestated my life and robbed me of any chance of a stable future. I've already thought things through logically, considered all my options, and weighed possible outcomes. For me there's truly no other way, if I don't do what must be done circumstances will only gradually become much worse from here on. I'm too tired to keep on in denial, waiting for the miracle which never comes. Simple fact is, life is not fair but downright cruel - let this entire online forum serve as testament to that fact.

Also I certainly don't believe I deserve any compassion, especially not in death. I am truly a terrible person at heart who has done some pretty awful things, for which I still feel no genuine remorse. Sure I've been dealt a pretty shitty hand in life but still regardless, the decisions I made were mine to make. hell.. if you only knew. And why should I soften the act of self-killing? I'm sure in a cosmic sense, I get what I deserve. Just like the how ancients used to believe, I also think some sins may only be atoned through an act of bloodshed - and they used to do it for less.

 

[feggut]

(You mentioned you have done awful things, which is a subjective term. As long as you haven't molested kids, raped, tortured, etc imo there's not much else as terrible.)

Nah, none of those things. But I did beat up and stole 15$ from the wimpy kid in grade 4, then proceeded to do his mom while he watched.