I was verbally abusive to innocent people who didn't deserve it and got called out. Rightfully so. I became obnoxious and assumed things about the person that weren't even true and lost a friendship. Rightfully so. Among other horrible things to people, things I can't name here for the sake of my conscious.
I struggle with getting a job not just because they're hard to get but because of a mix of things, my fear, my anger, my impulsivity, my excuses. I struggle to kill myself only because it's just so hard and... because I had the chance to long ago. I used to have the money to buy a shotgun from the gun shop near where I live. They didn't cost anything for background checks and you could order the gun online and get in-store. I didn't buy it because I spent my money on the casino for some stupid reason. I was also confident in the tourniquet method, hoping it would work. It didn't.
I could hang myself but I don't have the rope to do it and I'm not sure clothing would work and I'm not sure I even have a place I can hang (save for a particular tree and even then I'm not even sure about it). And I could take my SN but I can't do it on my bed because my brother would see me with my vomit and call the hospital or maybe he would hear a death rattle or maybe my convulsions would wake him up or something else I'm not aware of. I also have to have time enough to do it on my own without getting caught and the only way to do that is to drink it outside but... I fear someone may find me. I have to be gone for a long time before anyone can do anything about it.
I struggle with getting a job not just because they're hard to get but because of a mix of things, my fear, my anger, my impulsivity, my excuses. I struggle to kill myself only because it's just so hard and... because I had the chance to long ago. I used to have the money to buy a shotgun from the gun shop near where I live. They didn't cost anything for background checks and you could order the gun online and get in-store. I didn't buy it because I spent my money on the casino for some stupid reason. I was also confident in the tourniquet method, hoping it would work. It didn't.
I could hang myself but I don't have the rope to do it and I'm not sure clothing would work and I'm not sure I even have a place I can hang (save for a particular tree and even then I'm not even sure about it). And I could take my SN but I can't do it on my bed because my brother would see me with my vomit and call the hospital or maybe he would hear a death rattle or maybe my convulsions would wake him up or something else I'm not aware of. I also have to have time enough to do it on my own without getting caught and the only way to do that is to drink it outside but... I fear someone may find me. I have to be gone for a long time before anyone can do anything about it.
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