I still want to CTB despite having everything I've wanted out of life

[JustSomeDude]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. In my case I have never wanted to be alive. I do not understand how people can want to live. I feel like no matter what happens to me, I would still be empty, nothing would ever make me want to live. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you do not want to be here. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[SovietSuicide]

When did you first start experiencing suicidal thoughts?

If you think about when the change happened you might figure out why.

 

[Insomniac]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

but do you have children?

The truth is, most people can achieve material and romantic success in life if they're willing to sacrifice having children.

However, I'm not suggesting that you make children. I'm an anti-natalist. I'm simply pointing put the fact that we are deeply wired to feel like our life is meaningless if we don't have children.

There's no solution to this except either CTB or distracting ourselves with work, pleasure etc. The feeling of unease will never go away.

 

[JustSomeDude]

When did you first start experiencing suicidal thoughts?

If you think about when the change happened you might figure out why.

It started when I was 9 or 10, I'm 22 now. I think it started when I finally understood what living was. I have attempted several times, and think about it pretty much always.

I don't think it's gotten better, despite all I've gained through life nothing feels like it's worth it. Which of course makes me feel guilty because I do care about the people in my life and all that has been given to me, I just feel so empty all the time.

but do you have children?

The truth is, most people can achieve material and romantic success in life if they're willing to sacrifice having children.

However, I'm not suggesting that you make children. I'm an anti-natalist. I'm simply pointing put the fact that we are deeply wired to feel like our life is meaningless if we don't have children.

There's no solution to this except either CTB or distracting ourselves with work, pleasure etc. The feeling of unease will never go away.

Yeah, I'm CF and plan on staying that way. If life is really just about procreation I can't have kids so there's no shot under that framework my life would have meaning beyond distractions and void fillers that don't seem to be working.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I am sorry you're suffering inside like this. Our brains can torture us from
Out of nowhere. In my situation I am not attractive and therefore became depressed and didn't see life as worth living and faced ostracism, boredom, fatigue and loneliness since 14 I'm 28 now. Despite what you said you have everything I would desire to have landed a career and a partner however it goes to show although people have everything on the surface they can suffer internally.

 

[forgotten15]

I am sorry you are suffering like this, I can imagine it's torture having everything but feeling misery. Have you ever tried to talk to your girlfriend about these feelings? Is there any chance she could understand and help you?

 

[Kristicide]

but do you have children?

The truth is, most people can achieve material and romantic success in life if they're willing to sacrifice having children.

However, I'm not suggesting that you make children. I'm an anti-natalist. I'm simply pointing put the fact that we are deeply wired to feel like our life is meaningless if we don't have children.

There's no solution to this except either CTB or distracting ourselves with work, pleasure etc. The feeling of unease will never go away.

Is it weird that I never once felt the need to have children? I always thought that was a blessing in my case cause if I did I'd probably be even more depressed or in a bad relationship just bc I wanted kids.

 

[whatevs]

I'm sorry you are going through this. In my case I have never wanted to be alive. I do not understand how people can want to live. I feel like no matter what happens to me, I would still be empty, nothing would ever make me want to live. I know that it can be hard to carry on when you do not want to be here. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

GPT-3 has come a long way, hasn't it.

 

[calathea]

My word is meh-ness. Totally not a word (and English is not my first language) but it describes the feeling I've had of..." I've checked so many boxes and still meh, not sold on this life thing". Along with the meh-ness there's the fireworks moments: those instants when everything is SO right, all is good. When my dog curls up with me. When the right song comes along. I will ctb when the fireworks moments are gone.

 

[Zzzzz]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I also don't think there is anything that will stop me from constantly thinking about suicide.

 

[Pen>Sword]

I can't believe that I'm advising this overrated answer: you need to see a therapist. You don't have a good reason to CTB. You're not dealing with any major problems, or at least none that you've mentioned in your post. You've been having these interruptive thoughts. You have friends, family, gf that you're leaving behind. There's absolutely no need to leave them behind and scar them.

Like you said, you're having a blast of your life. There's no need to rush for an exit. Enjoy the show for now. If you've found yourself cornered like most of us here, then suicide becomes a reasonable option. For you, you don't need suicide right now, you need therapy.

 

[FuneralCry]

GPT-3 has come a long way, hasn't it.

How is this even relevant to the op's thread. You can start threads in offtopic about this, if you want to write about this.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

Many people find having children fulfilling. I would prefer to do volunteer work if I had my crap together. I think you definitely need to figure out why you are suicidal before having kids.

 

[Someone123]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

I really think this is solvable, that there can be ways for your to have the happiness you hope for in life. WIth the things you have going for you please try to explore options to make your life rewarding.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

OP, do you enjoy your job? Do you have friends at work?

 

[lostautist]

Is it weird that I never once felt the need to have children? I always thought that was a blessing in my case cause if I did I'd probably be even more depressed or in a bad relationship just bc I wanted kids.

No, that's not weird. I never wanted to have children to avoid them having to go through any of things that I had. I would have been a good parent, I had one great example and one horrible example, it's everything else that I wouldn't have control over that I worried about. My best friend when I was like 9 or 10 electrocuted himself in the bathtub and a jr high school girl I really really liked blew her brains out just a couple days after I found out she really liked me. If I had any idea I would have done everything to try to save her. Nobody cared about sexual abuse in the 70's and early 80's. I had nightmares about that for a couple of years. That's what life was to me and I didn't want to bring something that would go through any of it.

 

[MourningGal]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

Hi there, I think we're in a similar boat and I just made a post about where I'm at. I want you to know that you are not alone in this feeling. I consider myself someone that did everything right, pushed through some really tough times, am going to counseling, and have everything I need. However, the intrusive thoughts are always there. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know it can be difficult to to keep going when you (or anyone that knows you) don't even know what's causing it since everything looks completely fine on paper, but you feel absolutely awful. Sending you support and calm thoughts today.

 

[occamsrazor]

I can relate to you completely. Except I didn't come from wealth. I have success now tho and have most everything I could ask for. I used to sit in my office at work and look at the obituaries wanting nothing more than for me to be on that list and my life be given to one that died. Sometimes I would shut my door and cry quietly while looking at those obituaries. Some of us just aren't meant to be happy. We see the reality of the world. It's like life forced us the red pill (the matrix) I would have happily chosen the blue pill

 

[JustSomeDude]

Some of us just aren't meant to be happy. We see the reality of the world.

I have wondered this for a while. So much neurodiversity in the world, some of us may be just incapable of feeling happiness.

 

[summers]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

Maybe it's knowing that it will all go to shit at some point. We get old, sick, cheated on, lose jobs, etc... Still, I say live it up while it's good. Nothing wrong with riding it out until it's not fun anymore. Plus, you'll have the means for a peaceful exit when the time comes.

The truth is, most people can achieve material and romantic success in life if they're willing to sacrifice having children.

Truth. I have both thanks to no kids. The people I know with kids have neither.

However, I'm not suggesting that you make children. I'm an anti-natalist. I'm simply pointing put the fact that we are deeply wired to feel like our life is meaningless if we don't have children.

Guess my wiring is fucked. I always said if I got someone pregnant and they wouldn't have an abortion, I would kill myself. I know I would suck as a father, because I have no interest in raising or caring for anyone. Also, there goes all the plans I had for my money. Luckily, pulling out in HS, and a vasectomy at 20 solved this for me.

Edit: Just to be clear, I never would have let someone know I was going to off myself to guilt them into an abortion. I simply would have said I'm not ready to be a father. The choice would have been theirs.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I can't believe that I'm advising this overrated answer: you need to see a therapist. You don't have a good reason to CTB. You're not dealing with any major problems, or at least none that you've mentioned in your post. You've been having these interruptive thoughts. You have friends, family, gf that you're leaving behind. There's absolutely no need to leave them behind and scar them.

Like you said, you're having a blast of your life. There's no need to rush for an exit. Enjoy the show for now. If you've found yourself cornered like most of us here, then suicide becomes a reasonable option. For you, you don't need suicide right now, you need therapy.

I have to say, I completely disagree here. You write as if you're certain therapy would fix his issue, when no one can really know if it would, and I don't think the success rate for therapy is very good. I'm not saying don't go to therapy, I'm saying don't be so sure. And, you're implying that someone who "has it good" has no business ending their own life, which I think is wrong.

 

[Chancerator]

I feel the exact same way as you. It's a relief to know that someone else is in the same boat. I have everything I've ever wanted and more. I have the career that I envisioned for myself. I have a loving husband and enjoyable hobbies and a wonderful family and great friends. Everything. And yet the suicidal demon continues to haunt me. In some ways, my suicidal thoughts are more intense now that I HAVE everything I've ever wanted than they were during the periods of my life when I DIDN'T. When you can identify what's lacking, there's always a tiny (tiny) chance that you can find it someday. When nothing's lacking--and you STILL want to die--things feel hopeless in a whole new way.

Idk.
It's strange. I can recognize the perfect moments for what they are. The perfect sunset, the perfect dinner with loved ones, the perfect news of success about my career. I can acknowledge the importance of those moments. I can dwell in the peace and satisfaction, but there is always a voice in the back of my head: "No matter how much beauty you find it this world, it will never outshine the pain you will suffer to see it."

I know that sounds selfish. How dare I consider CTB when I've been given so much? Idk. Maybe some of us are just marked.

At the same time, however, I will second what others have said. Try everything you can to save yourself. Set your sights on big goals, which can serve as distractions from distress. Meditate. Be in nature. Climb a mountain. Give therapy a shot. Give ketamine a shot. (Infusions have been a help for me, even if only for a few weeks at a time.) Keep trying for as long as you can, and stare Death down like the motherfucker that he is. That little devil will get us all some day, whether we CTB or not, but we can give him one hell of a fight before he wins.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

You should definitely seek God, that's what is missing for most people. They don't know that though. They don't know how to have a relationship with God and be filled with Holy Spirit. My minister often says u will never be happy with anything unless u begin to put God first. Nothing of the physical world will give lasting fullfillment because it wasn't meant to. God put us here because he wanted a family, and to be loved. He didn't put us here for us to live for our own selfish pursuits. Often nothing gives lasting pleasure, people break up, money comes and goes, family might not get along, youth fades, illness strikes, but God will be with us no matter what. He loves us unconditionally. I know this probably won't help, but God inspired me to say this.

 

[Zegers]

Maybe the problem is your life is boring? travel, meet new people.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

I just graduated college, have a full-time job, have more money than I could need, am about to move in with my girlfriend, come from immense privilege. I'm not sure what more I could want. But so many days and nights I just find myself wishing for death to happen sooner rather than later. I don't know how to make it stop, or if I can make it stop.

Like right now I'm sitting in my office, looking at the pictures of how happy I am with my love, in a job I've worked to get to my entire life, but last night I was up until 4 am fighting with myself trying not to slice myself open again or jump out a window. I don't know how to express these thoughts to people in my life. I'm grateful for all that life has given me, I truly am, I just don't think I'm happy living, and I don't think I ever will be.

Did you follow what you love? Did you follow what you thought you should do? Is there something you find deeply meaningful that isn't related to your college course, great job, etc? Is it a meaningfulness/purpose issue? Things have to be deeply meaningful to me, for me to even consider bothering with them. I can't do a 9 till 5 for money - my brain makes me tell bosses to go fuck themselves and walk out the door - I have no control over that.