Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 110
I'm doing well, I started planning more and writing the letters I wanted. This one is for my ex/best friend, I censored some things and cut others, but I wanted to share how it turned out:
Hi Fuji, how are you? This is a suicide note. There are some things I wanted to say, but you don't need to feel obligated to read this. Just writing it helped me a lot, so please, if you feel it might hurt you, or if it's simply inconvenient, stop reading or delete it. If everything worked out, I died; these are just some things that were still on my mind, and I don't think I was able to express enough. You're not to blame or have any influence over this; in fact, you've always helped me see things from a different perspective and find the strength to think on my own. Thank you very much. If you're still reading, that's basically it. I'll say a few things, but don't force yourself to read this. Yes, it's repetitive. I can't get a grasp of this kind of thing; I gave up trying to understand you a long time ago. So whenever something gives you room for a reaction, I just have to wait and see. It's actually fun and relaxing, without so much anxiety. I don't know if it will impact you. I hope not. I don't think so either. At least that's my first thought, but I'm not sure. Still reading? Rice and nuggets, reheated Yakisoba, survival dumplings, ambrosia, crème brûlée. What did you eat today? Did you eat anything, man? Whenever I'm thirsty, I feel that scratchy sensation in my throat, I remember you. "How does he do it? How does he manage to not live with water?" It doesn't make sense that my immunity is worse than yours, bro, but I'm glad it is.
I've always admired you, liked you, and still like you. Mainly because, well... you complain a lot about things but still manage to do them. Like, "OMG, IT WENT BAD!" but in the end, it all works out. You're so strong, much stronger than I ever imagined possible. I've always wanted the best for you, so if at any point I was rude or just made you uncomfortable, I'm really sorry, I was probably an idiot. Okay, almost certainly. Look, I probably was. Okay, I was. You get it. I really always wanted the best for you.
Before, I felt like I needed to be there for you, to stay close, because I wanted to see how you would grow, how you would change, and also to be there for anything. We grew apart over time. I was very worried at first, but I don't think it was a bad thing. I realized you were fine on your own, I didn't need to do anything. I know you'll be fine, no matter how bad the subject and the assignment are, those damned alphabet soups. You know that too, I think.
At some point, I wrote a poem about us. Yes, idiot, but I did it. This is just an excerpt, because it's embarrassing, I'll just take the cringe to myself.
"Lamentation like a scope of wine,
That our minds drank
In shards, but painting smiles;
Skirt, tassel, a beautiful dress,
Book, letter, pairs of earrings,
Sweets and songs - such rich times;"
I wish our relationship had worked out, but I think it was good that it ended. Many things with us are like that. I tried really hard, and then I ended up losing control. I was content with the title "girlfriend," but I didn't think about how you were feeling. College, your head. At first, when you talked about breaking up, I was sad and angry, thinking you'd given up too easily. But I gave up too, even when I responded. I didn't try to understand you or talk to find a solution, I just accepted and asked for distance. I think it could have worked, done better. I regret not having talked and understood more, but I've always been a coward.
Fuji, are you okay? I wanted you to be okay.
Once, when I talked about my scars, about how scared a doctor would be when I got vaccinated, you said, "You get what you ask for," or something like that. At the time, I was hurt by it, but after thinking about it, you were right. It's like that with a lot of things. I'm sensitive/weak, so sometimes I was hurt by what you said, but you were always honest and direct. And that's something I value, because I can't be. I've always lied a lot, out of fear. I've never been able to be as honest as you, but I wanted to.
I don't know what else to say. I love you, and every moment I spent with you was comforting. You helped me so much, much more than you can imagine, and I've always been so grateful for that. I always tried to repay you, but I never could. I could have died much sooner, but without knowing it, you saved me with a few Paint lessons. Fuji, thank you so much. I really do.
Be well, take care. Bye.
Hi Fuji, how are you? This is a suicide note. There are some things I wanted to say, but you don't need to feel obligated to read this. Just writing it helped me a lot, so please, if you feel it might hurt you, or if it's simply inconvenient, stop reading or delete it. If everything worked out, I died; these are just some things that were still on my mind, and I don't think I was able to express enough. You're not to blame or have any influence over this; in fact, you've always helped me see things from a different perspective and find the strength to think on my own. Thank you very much. If you're still reading, that's basically it. I'll say a few things, but don't force yourself to read this. Yes, it's repetitive. I can't get a grasp of this kind of thing; I gave up trying to understand you a long time ago. So whenever something gives you room for a reaction, I just have to wait and see. It's actually fun and relaxing, without so much anxiety. I don't know if it will impact you. I hope not. I don't think so either. At least that's my first thought, but I'm not sure. Still reading? Rice and nuggets, reheated Yakisoba, survival dumplings, ambrosia, crème brûlée. What did you eat today? Did you eat anything, man? Whenever I'm thirsty, I feel that scratchy sensation in my throat, I remember you. "How does he do it? How does he manage to not live with water?" It doesn't make sense that my immunity is worse than yours, bro, but I'm glad it is.
I've always admired you, liked you, and still like you. Mainly because, well... you complain a lot about things but still manage to do them. Like, "OMG, IT WENT BAD!" but in the end, it all works out. You're so strong, much stronger than I ever imagined possible. I've always wanted the best for you, so if at any point I was rude or just made you uncomfortable, I'm really sorry, I was probably an idiot. Okay, almost certainly. Look, I probably was. Okay, I was. You get it. I really always wanted the best for you.
Before, I felt like I needed to be there for you, to stay close, because I wanted to see how you would grow, how you would change, and also to be there for anything. We grew apart over time. I was very worried at first, but I don't think it was a bad thing. I realized you were fine on your own, I didn't need to do anything. I know you'll be fine, no matter how bad the subject and the assignment are, those damned alphabet soups. You know that too, I think.
At some point, I wrote a poem about us. Yes, idiot, but I did it. This is just an excerpt, because it's embarrassing, I'll just take the cringe to myself.
"Lamentation like a scope of wine,
That our minds drank
In shards, but painting smiles;
Skirt, tassel, a beautiful dress,
Book, letter, pairs of earrings,
Sweets and songs - such rich times;"
I wish our relationship had worked out, but I think it was good that it ended. Many things with us are like that. I tried really hard, and then I ended up losing control. I was content with the title "girlfriend," but I didn't think about how you were feeling. College, your head. At first, when you talked about breaking up, I was sad and angry, thinking you'd given up too easily. But I gave up too, even when I responded. I didn't try to understand you or talk to find a solution, I just accepted and asked for distance. I think it could have worked, done better. I regret not having talked and understood more, but I've always been a coward.
Fuji, are you okay? I wanted you to be okay.
Once, when I talked about my scars, about how scared a doctor would be when I got vaccinated, you said, "You get what you ask for," or something like that. At the time, I was hurt by it, but after thinking about it, you were right. It's like that with a lot of things. I'm sensitive/weak, so sometimes I was hurt by what you said, but you were always honest and direct. And that's something I value, because I can't be. I've always lied a lot, out of fear. I've never been able to be as honest as you, but I wanted to.
I don't know what else to say. I love you, and every moment I spent with you was comforting. You helped me so much, much more than you can imagine, and I've always been so grateful for that. I always tried to repay you, but I never could. I could have died much sooner, but without knowing it, you saved me with a few Paint lessons. Fuji, thank you so much. I really do.
Be well, take care. Bye.
