I am probably high on self-hatred. But not that extreme either when I am not in a major-depressive episode. I hate me for some reasons. But what I envy even more is the life quality of other people.
I am very high (crippling high) on conscientiousness and neuroticism. And this combination is really tormenting. I have so much OCD desires which I need to fulfil. So many responsibilites, high-expectation and extreme pressure. I am endlessly ruminating and moving anxiously back and forth.
There are some people I really envy.
First comes Lil Peep. I think in his relationship to drugs he is the complete opposite of a good role model the same goes for David Foster Wallace. But Lil Peep was a dreamer. This is at least my impression. He said he was not surprised that he became a famous rapper after all the shitload of work he put into it. For me that is kind of a naive thought. My personal biography showed me that it is extremely hard and highly dependent on luck whether one has success. He lived for the moment. And this is something I am extremely bad at. The different approaches have advantages and disadvantages. The biggest disadvantage for him was probably that his addcition killed him. And it was pretty predictable. Still he was not that concerned about it. I would have felt trapped and had analyzed that like every single day in this forum that there is no escape, that nothing can save, and the extreme anxiety about withdrawal. The pressure to avoid relapse etc. I am also very high on self-discipline and would have blamed me every single day for my demise if I would have been in his position. I think Peep also was good at overthinking and ruminating. This is at least what I feel when I read his lyrics. But I had the feeling he had way less self-hatred than me.
A big contra point to my lifestyle to live for the future and always moaning about the past and how abuse still haunts me is that it takes a huge part of life quality. But I think even without that my life quality would be pretty bad. Maybe even worse. The worst time when I experienced that was the following: I was fired from my job due to the fact I am a mental wreck. My therapists gave me up one of them saying it would be probably easier just to give up and let it happen. (she also knew about my suicidality that would happen when ending unemployed). I disappointed other people. I put extreme effort in that job. The desperation, pain, panic grew to an unimaginable level. It probably started a mixed-manic episode. And holy shit this was by far the worst mixed episode it was extremely agonizing. I had no control. I wanted to avoid my fate. I pressured me without finding a solution. I almost lost my mind over it. When I talked with my friends they were very worried because the pain was palpable. In the end this mixed-manic episode ended in a symptom free time period. However I am not willing to endure all of this extreme sick pain once again. When I relapse I gonna kill myself. Maybe this was not at the core of the topic. But it demonstrated that I am someone who worries extremely much, someone who worries all the time. my sorrows oftern overwhelm me. And I am extremey scared that this torture returns one day which is far from unlikely.
I am extremely scared about poverty. I even simulated it. That is part of the lack of being able to live for the moment. Gladly I stopped that experiment.
Now to different people.
Average people. People who don't know how it feels to suffer daily and questioning life on an existential level. People who know hardship only from watching the news or when the train is once again delayed because of an "accident". Not sure what the term is on English.
Now to another type of person. My best friend. He likes and enjoys life. He fears death. He has a normal life, has a girlfiend. He has a lot of healthy self-esteem. Probably because the education of his parents was good in contrast to mine. At school I was the hard worker and had to do a lot of work to get good grades. In comparison to me he did way less and almost was as good as me. It was a pretty cool time. I always motivated him and he helped me to relax. Sadly my psychosis led to an abrupt end. I think other people would never fight as much as I do it. I have huge expectations of me and I don't treat myself friendly enough.
I have the feeling some people with good parents, good genes, good environment live a great life without the necessity to do hard work for it. Others die a thousand deaths when they try to catch a slight breath of positivity. Just so that life spits them in the face and there barely exists joy or happiness in their life.
The thread is not that coherent I was interrupted. Sorry for that.
There are others things I envy. Very high IQ, wealth, a good childhood. having a significant other, having a nervous system which is not extremely toxic and instructed to torture me alive etc. From all of these point the good life quality is probably the point I crave the most. But instead I am prisoner in my mind and the game is rigged against me.
However I have to remind myself that there are always people who have it even worse. Sometimes that notion is extremely annoying on the other hand always when I seem to lose one of my privileges I realize that some things mean so much to me without being thankful for it.
I am very high (crippling high) on conscientiousness and neuroticism. And this combination is really tormenting. I have so much OCD desires which I need to fulfil. So many responsibilites, high-expectation and extreme pressure. I am endlessly ruminating and moving anxiously back and forth.
There are some people I really envy.
First comes Lil Peep. I think in his relationship to drugs he is the complete opposite of a good role model the same goes for David Foster Wallace. But Lil Peep was a dreamer. This is at least my impression. He said he was not surprised that he became a famous rapper after all the shitload of work he put into it. For me that is kind of a naive thought. My personal biography showed me that it is extremely hard and highly dependent on luck whether one has success. He lived for the moment. And this is something I am extremely bad at. The different approaches have advantages and disadvantages. The biggest disadvantage for him was probably that his addcition killed him. And it was pretty predictable. Still he was not that concerned about it. I would have felt trapped and had analyzed that like every single day in this forum that there is no escape, that nothing can save, and the extreme anxiety about withdrawal. The pressure to avoid relapse etc. I am also very high on self-discipline and would have blamed me every single day for my demise if I would have been in his position. I think Peep also was good at overthinking and ruminating. This is at least what I feel when I read his lyrics. But I had the feeling he had way less self-hatred than me.
A big contra point to my lifestyle to live for the future and always moaning about the past and how abuse still haunts me is that it takes a huge part of life quality. But I think even without that my life quality would be pretty bad. Maybe even worse. The worst time when I experienced that was the following: I was fired from my job due to the fact I am a mental wreck. My therapists gave me up one of them saying it would be probably easier just to give up and let it happen. (she also knew about my suicidality that would happen when ending unemployed). I disappointed other people. I put extreme effort in that job. The desperation, pain, panic grew to an unimaginable level. It probably started a mixed-manic episode. And holy shit this was by far the worst mixed episode it was extremely agonizing. I had no control. I wanted to avoid my fate. I pressured me without finding a solution. I almost lost my mind over it. When I talked with my friends they were very worried because the pain was palpable. In the end this mixed-manic episode ended in a symptom free time period. However I am not willing to endure all of this extreme sick pain once again. When I relapse I gonna kill myself. Maybe this was not at the core of the topic. But it demonstrated that I am someone who worries extremely much, someone who worries all the time. my sorrows oftern overwhelm me. And I am extremey scared that this torture returns one day which is far from unlikely.
I am extremely scared about poverty. I even simulated it. That is part of the lack of being able to live for the moment. Gladly I stopped that experiment.
Now to different people.
Average people. People who don't know how it feels to suffer daily and questioning life on an existential level. People who know hardship only from watching the news or when the train is once again delayed because of an "accident". Not sure what the term is on English.
Now to another type of person. My best friend. He likes and enjoys life. He fears death. He has a normal life, has a girlfiend. He has a lot of healthy self-esteem. Probably because the education of his parents was good in contrast to mine. At school I was the hard worker and had to do a lot of work to get good grades. In comparison to me he did way less and almost was as good as me. It was a pretty cool time. I always motivated him and he helped me to relax. Sadly my psychosis led to an abrupt end. I think other people would never fight as much as I do it. I have huge expectations of me and I don't treat myself friendly enough.
I have the feeling some people with good parents, good genes, good environment live a great life without the necessity to do hard work for it. Others die a thousand deaths when they try to catch a slight breath of positivity. Just so that life spits them in the face and there barely exists joy or happiness in their life.
The thread is not that coherent I was interrupted. Sorry for that.
There are others things I envy. Very high IQ, wealth, a good childhood. having a significant other, having a nervous system which is not extremely toxic and instructed to torture me alive etc. From all of these point the good life quality is probably the point I crave the most. But instead I am prisoner in my mind and the game is rigged against me.
However I have to remind myself that there are always people who have it even worse. Sometimes that notion is extremely annoying on the other hand always when I seem to lose one of my privileges I realize that some things mean so much to me without being thankful for it.
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