Sep 22, 2020
I feel so manipulated. I am hopeless and suicidal and I signed a contract that I will commit to healing, whatever the fuck that means, and that I won't permanently hurt myself. I feel played. My mom pays for my therapy anyway and it's a lot of money. This is the 4th therapist I will quit. I am so done with life and everyone just manipulates me into going further. I will cut myself and I will research suicide nethods and I sure will continue being suicidal and soon she will say she's stepping back and I will be abandoned on top of the regular suffering. I can't handle that. I never want to go there again. And I sure hope the search bar starts working again because I need to rresearch how to do and get nembutal. I also want to call a social worker or somebody and tell them i've been kicked out of my family home or something so they help me find a place. I can't stand those fuckers anymore and I feel homicidal around them. I live at night and try to sleep during the day so I dodon't have to see or hear them. I just want to go. I don't want to be aware of my body. I am exhausted. I can't be in this body anymore, I don't want to see or feel it ever again. I don't want it and I couldn't give less of a fuck if it's because of trauma. I don't want it and I don't want to want it. I am so done. I am so tired. And everyone is just fucking with me. I need nembutal and some shitty apartment somewhere in a shithole away from my family and my therapist. And then I want to get some shitty job so I can have money and buy my peaceful pill and leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live in this disgusting rotting body anymore.
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