Venting I should’ve never been born

[wannawayout]

I wish I was never brought into this awful world. I wish I never had to experience all the horrible things that has happened. Growing up with neglectful and abusive parents hurt so much. All the emotional scarring feels too heavy to carry on everyday. Going to school as a child and seeing all my classmates who I could rarely ever relate too hurt a lot. I had to try extra hard to "fit in" . It seemed like everyone had supportive and loving parents and had activities to look forward too and I just couldn't relate . I was always envious of their happiness. My horrible uneducated parents would hit and scream at each other on a daily basis growing up and would never care for us . I always wonder how they could be so selfish to decide to have 5 kids when they hated each other, didn't know how to raise children, and were struggling financially. My dad was and still is a gambler . We never had a stable place to live and sometimes wouldn't even have enough money for good because of his gambling addiction. My mom was a stay at home mom while we were all growing up and still somehow managed to neglect all of us. Shes always made me feel horrible about myself and her presence has always been so cold . I'll never forget all the days they spent fighting like psychopaths ,the times my mom beat me for no reason, when she dragged me by my hair onto the ground while I was asleep because I hung something on my wall she didn't like when all I wanted was to cover the hole in the wall that they never fixed. My dad told her I was just a kid when she told him to punish me for doing so ( she wanted him to hurt me) and when he didn't she hurt me herself … while I was asleep. I'll never forget when my brother put my mom in jail for punching me in the face when I was 11 because I asked her why she was treating my little brother so horribly.Oh and when she came out of jail she hated me even more . I thought the way she treated me wouldn't get any worse but it did . She treats her children like they're her slaves. She would tell me he's her son and it's none of my business. I would always stand up for my little brother and sister when she would treat them horribly and ask her to stop talking to him like that or just simply ask why she's being so mean to them for no reason and I would always end up getting hurt for it. While she was in jail I had to take care of my younger siblings and couldn't even be a kid. I had to cook and clean for everyone , including my dad at the time because the guy apparently doesn't know how to take care of himself. I'll never forget when I would use my moms phone when I was 12 and would find nude photos of her and see her texting other men when she was still married to my dad . I was terrified of her so I locked myself in the bathroom after crying and telling her I was going to tell my dad. I didn't unlock the door because I knew she was going to hurt me once I got out so she made a hole in the door with a knife and unlocked in and came in to beat me. The only time he would call me when he moved out when I got older was too clean his apartment for him and do his laundry for him and he would give me money for it. He never asked how I was doing even though he knew I was severely depressed. When I would have breakdowns he would yell at me and say he doesn't know what's wrong with me and took me to the er and told them he doesn't know what to do with me . I felt so broken and felt like I couldn't talk because of how uncomfortable he made me so its clear why I would never open up to him. When I was 17 I was raped by a 42 year old and nobody cared . He would hit me and others saw and never stood up for me. I hate the way I look. I never go outside anymore because I'm scared of other people and interactions . I just want out of this life . I know this sounds all over the place and really dumb . There's so much more trauma I've went through and I've missed out on so much yet been through so much I have nothing to look back to other than pain and misery. I've missed out on so many developmental milestones that others have experienced and I just feel so dumb. Im also very unattractive so I feel awful about how I appear physically as well. I stopped taking care of myself because all I want is to die and there's no point in taking care of a body that I want dead and it's just making me look even uglier than I already am. I want out of this life so badly.

 

[theboy]

You've had a hard time, friend. I haven't had a story similar to yours but I understand the pain of wanting to sleep forever.

 

[Why Me?]

Sorry that life has treated you this way. I hope you can find some sort of peace & happiness. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrifying what you have had to endure, I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been. Some people really are so cruel and to me it's awful the way that many people treat others. Life is just too unfair. I hope that in whatever happens, you find some relief as none of us here should ever have to suffer.

 

[Leiden]

Me too. So unfair to be born without my consent. I would of never wished to be born to this horrific life.

I'm sorry you've had it so rough, you didn't deserve that.

 

[Darkover]

yeap life still leaves a lot to be desired still better to of never existed in the first place then existed at all

 

[Mary5689]

Your life is a real hell, my dear friend. I perfectly understand what you feel, this is an incredible pain, and the desire to quit everything and leave is so logical. There are such fates that one way out is suicide. Just know that you are not alone, we are all in the same position here. I wish you to find world

 

[theboy]

I'm sorry you have to suffer like this. I also believe that my life is a resounding mistake

 

[Winterreise]

I wasnt planned.