And I'm horrified by what I've done and hate myself so much and my parents and brother are pressuring me to get better but I just can't given how I've severely screwed up my life and I also can't tell them what I've done because it would bury them so I live with the horrid secret and I just want to die. I'm so trapped so very trapped!! I don't know what I was thinking and I am just a shattered broken shell of myself with severe depression and panic disorder. And no way to ctb either so am just trapped in a cage like an animal in a zoo with no way out and it is horrid. Day in and day out every second of every day I hate myself. There is no recovering from this!
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Bebophunny
The only thing I'll miss is whiskey.
- May 20, 2019
- 13
Being this vague, I don't really have the right words. I can only tell you that I'm thinking of you and wanting you to be free from these issues. Be well <3
JadedGray
Life Eternal
- Jul 24, 2018
- 991
I sympathize. I've made a terrible mess of my life too. I'm sorry your family isn't being more understanding of your situation.
Yea I completely understand that feeling.
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Dead beat dad
Enlightened
- Mar 5, 2019
- 1,030
Hi friend. I had a very dark moment but SI got the better of me
ZixivaldYrxes
Archduke Demoness Villaintropic
- Apr 3, 2019
- 120
Zer0
Nem sempre se pode ser Deus
- Sep 14, 2018
- 124
Dealing with family is always hard, the feeling that if you cbt you will forsake them is not easy too, if there is anyway you can talk about your problem to someone who will understand without judging it will make you feel better. Just don't try to deal with this alone.
I understand. It's so hard. Living is painful but so is dying. What is your method?
I've been talking with my therapist but I, just not getting any better. It is awful
Secrets are hard. I have had depression and anxiety since High School so I can relate. For me it's just the fact barely anyone in my family has any empathy towards someone different than themselves. If you don't fit into the society mold then you are less than. It doesn't help they all think depression and anxiety is something you create rather than are predisposed to. Sucks. Sorry for what you are going through. Just wanted to say I can feel isolated too and do.
Dead beat dad
Enlightened
- Mar 5, 2019
- 1,030
@Allpainnogain
SN is my plan, but on the night it was going to be hanging.
I want to believe in a peaceful and painless exit, but a I am a twisted, self loathing POS and also in my darkest moments believe that I deserve pain, violence and distress in my final moments. Going out as I came, leaving a big brown stain on the floor.
SN is my plan, but on the night it was going to be hanging.
I want to believe in a peaceful and painless exit, but a I am a twisted, self loathing POS and also in my darkest moments believe that I deserve pain, violence and distress in my final moments. Going out as I came, leaving a big brown stain on the floor.
I'm sorry you feel that way also. I don't think people truly understand depression and anxiety unless they have experienced it themselves
You are so hard on yourself. And yet you come across as such a kind and caring person here. I'm so sorry for the torment your mind puts you through - I relate all too well :(
Kyrok
Paragon
- Nov 6, 2018
- 970
I struggle every day with rage towards myself for my stupid mistake last year. I've not faced any real-world repercussions from it, but I'm still furious with myself for losing control. I'll never be the same.
Hopefully, you'll find a way through your mess. If you're young, you'll have a lot of time to create a new you.
Hopefully, you'll find a way through your mess. If you're young, you'll have a lot of time to create a new you.
not-2-b-the-answer
Archangel
- Mar 23, 2018
- 8,412
I understand what you are going through. I fucked up what little joy I had in this life and it will never come back.
I can't wait to die.
I can't wait to die.
marcusuk63
CTB
- Mar 24, 2019
- 1,735
Sounds very similar to my situation , then to throw a spanner in the works of me CTB my brother died a couple of months ago and the worst part was all the family hugging me and telling me they loved me and are always there for me , as i was very close to my brother and i found him dead .
Robbyna
Student
- Mar 6, 2019
- 182
I messed my life up and lost my best friends. I completely understand and empathize with how you're feeling. I hope whatever it is that you've done you can come to terms with. You may find that it be that bad once you discuss it.
GAKitty
Member
- May 3, 2019
- 24
Honestly, I can't say I really understand. I empathize for sure, but I guess it's just how vague the phrase "I screwed up my own life" is. Is it like, I will end up in jail and everyone hates me bad? Or is it I dropped out of high school because of a drug addiction bad? Or just a people don't liked me bad? Honestly, I hate my life, but I for sure recognize that my life could get a lot worse. I have like two friends, and they don't really like talking with me, and my parents really couldn't care less if I ctb. However, I'm still in college, have decent grades, and will potentially have a soul crushing career eventually. Is it the panic disorder and depression alone that's causing you to screw up your life, or are there other factors as well?
On another note, if this is a less rational type of feeling, I can empathize. I don't really understand, but I've seen a similar situation unfold with one of my former friends. He was (arguably) rude to one of his friends and felt like he couldn't be friends with anyone anymore because of how terrible of a person he was. It really hurt me to be honest, because I always liked him, but eh. Shit happens sometimes.
Anyways, I will say this... There may be recovery... I'm not going to be one of those optimists or pessimists and tell you there will be recovery or cannot be recover from whatever you're going through because 1. I don't know you or what you're going through 2. I'm not precognitive 3. Nothing is ever certain or impossible. But I sincerely hope that you can talk to others about this, and I'm glad that you've at least reached out to people here. If you ever need to chat, I'm more than welcome to do so through DMs.
On another note, if this is a less rational type of feeling, I can empathize. I don't really understand, but I've seen a similar situation unfold with one of my former friends. He was (arguably) rude to one of his friends and felt like he couldn't be friends with anyone anymore because of how terrible of a person he was. It really hurt me to be honest, because I always liked him, but eh. Shit happens sometimes.
Anyways, I will say this... There may be recovery... I'm not going to be one of those optimists or pessimists and tell you there will be recovery or cannot be recover from whatever you're going through because 1. I don't know you or what you're going through 2. I'm not precognitive 3. Nothing is ever certain or impossible. But I sincerely hope that you can talk to others about this, and I'm glad that you've at least reached out to people here. If you ever need to chat, I'm more than welcome to do so through DMs.
