I really think a lot about that quote. So far I did talk about it in this forum because people might argument it glorified suicide. Though I have wasted a lot of time thinkig about it and what it means to me. I think I have an own version of it. Not how Kurt Cobain probably meant it.
I got a pretty bad news today. A news which makes my suicide even more likely. It happened exactly what I predicted and this scares me because I also predict my suicide and an hellish future for me. I won't go in detail what happened. But it fuels my panic about the future even more.
The quote of Cobain means for me inter alia a question what is important in life, what life actually is about, about values and a personal philosophy/approach to life. I have experienced a huge transformation in my life. My personal relationship to suicide changed. When I was a teenager I might romanticized suicide. I was suicidal to that time. It was like escapism but I did not seriously approached it. I wished I would die, that something killed, that an accident happened or things like that. I thought suicide was easier than it actually is. I thought about choosing a violent method because I experienced domestic violence and this induced the desire to end all of the pain violently. I think in some way I thought suicide was cool and maybe heroic. ( I changed my mind on that as an adult.)
In my case it rather is an escape of a nightmarish life fully of pain and an act out of desperation. Though still rational because I carefully weigh the positive and negative aspects and prospects of my life. It is for me important that it is a rational suicide. I don't want to do it because a bias would have deluded my thinking or something like that. This is why I try things out. I try so many things to recover. Even things that I don't consider as very promising. I spoke to a lot of professionals, listened to different advices which I implemented in my plans. I had some success by doing that. Though in all honesty only a couple of miracles could prevent my suicide.
I liked that quote of Kurt Cobain as a teenager. It sounds like suicide was easy. Though this does not reflect the reality that I experience. When I was acute suicidal and planned my actual suicide this quote rather sounded for me like a platitude which cannot properly capture the pain that choosing suicide involves. This at least what I have felt. When I approached partial hanging and went to a high floor of a building I was absolutely devastated. I had extreme problems to leave my bed and cried like all the time. I think I am quite sensitive and emotional. I think I will cry the whole day when I finally commit suicide. As an adult I barely cry anymore (also because of my medication which stabilizes my mood) but I will be like the child that was abused by its mother I once was. I watched some videos of people before they killed themselves. And I think they resemble me in my last hours. I will beg the universe to avoid that fate. For me though when my days are numbered I will know there is no other escape anymore.
My personal stance to the Cobain quote is: For me it makes suicide look easy. The metaphor of burning out seems to be more "exciting" than to slowly fading away. Though I did not experience committing suicide as something exciting. It rather felt nightmarish and was an escape of unbelievable pain. When I only superficially and hypothetically thought about suicide the quote had a bigger allure to me. However when I faced the reality of my personal suicide this feeling was completely gone.
My personal conclusion was suicide is for me the last resort. I wanted to give life another shot. The whole quote has for me another layer. it is about living in the present or for the future. Maybe this was not intended but for me it is related to it. Financial issues are for a main reason for suicide. I am extremely anxious about poverty and I think it will be lethal for me. I am not made for it. I am quite sure about that. I am extermely anxious about the future because the prospects are horrendous and the past was beyond nightmarish. Further my illness proceeds in cycles so I have not a high likelihood to survive anyway. There are so many scenarios which would force me to commit suicide. Sometimes I have the feeling it is rather a question about when and not whether I kill myself. My family is utterly utterly fucked. And so many horrible problems accumulate and barely any of it gets solved. There are even scenarios that scare me more than my own suicide.
In the past I only lived for the future. I even simulated poverty to make me used to it. Well it was hell on earth for me. There was no benefit in that except being more sure about the fact that it will kill me. A friend of mine said something like "In your position I would try to enjoy my hobbies as long as I can instead of living already in poverty". I think he helped me a lot with that. I try to act strategically and save money. However in the end I will kill me anyway because the amount of won't be significant anyway. In the last 2 years I rewarded me for always fighting so hard. (bought me things) My attempts to recover will probably not succeed but at least I honestly tried. I really want to give life a shot. I plan and search for the optimal strategy. Though the game is extremely rigged against me and I barely have any chance. to win that game. My current strategy is: trying recovery, finding a balance between living in the present and living for the future. giving me sometimes breaks of sorrows and worries. My worries often overwhelm me and scare the shit out of me. But in all honesty I think I cannot change my fate anyway. I try my best to avoid suicide. I fight against the odds. But in the end I can only try my best.
So for me rather trying recovery is like Cobain puts it to "burn out". I ty to recover so hard till I collapse which is not unlikely (complicated to explain but in fact this scenario is not really unlikely) and then kill myself. I am not scared about fading away. For me fading away rather resembles giving up and endorsing fatalism.
I hope this thread is okay to be in this subforum. I try to recover but my personal percentage to succeed are so fucking low. And the news that hit me today scared the shit out of me. It confirmed some theories I had how devastating my future will be and that there probably is not escape for me except suicide.
What do you think about the quote? This thread was probably a little bit long. It is a quote I have thought a lot about.
I wanted to post this thread in suicide discussion but I changed my mind on it because I also talk about recovery. However it certainly does not fit to recovery so so maybe off-topic is a compromise???
I got a pretty bad news today. A news which makes my suicide even more likely. It happened exactly what I predicted and this scares me because I also predict my suicide and an hellish future for me. I won't go in detail what happened. But it fuels my panic about the future even more.
The quote of Cobain means for me inter alia a question what is important in life, what life actually is about, about values and a personal philosophy/approach to life. I have experienced a huge transformation in my life. My personal relationship to suicide changed. When I was a teenager I might romanticized suicide. I was suicidal to that time. It was like escapism but I did not seriously approached it. I wished I would die, that something killed, that an accident happened or things like that. I thought suicide was easier than it actually is. I thought about choosing a violent method because I experienced domestic violence and this induced the desire to end all of the pain violently. I think in some way I thought suicide was cool and maybe heroic. ( I changed my mind on that as an adult.)
In my case it rather is an escape of a nightmarish life fully of pain and an act out of desperation. Though still rational because I carefully weigh the positive and negative aspects and prospects of my life. It is for me important that it is a rational suicide. I don't want to do it because a bias would have deluded my thinking or something like that. This is why I try things out. I try so many things to recover. Even things that I don't consider as very promising. I spoke to a lot of professionals, listened to different advices which I implemented in my plans. I had some success by doing that. Though in all honesty only a couple of miracles could prevent my suicide.
I liked that quote of Kurt Cobain as a teenager. It sounds like suicide was easy. Though this does not reflect the reality that I experience. When I was acute suicidal and planned my actual suicide this quote rather sounded for me like a platitude which cannot properly capture the pain that choosing suicide involves. This at least what I have felt. When I approached partial hanging and went to a high floor of a building I was absolutely devastated. I had extreme problems to leave my bed and cried like all the time. I think I am quite sensitive and emotional. I think I will cry the whole day when I finally commit suicide. As an adult I barely cry anymore (also because of my medication which stabilizes my mood) but I will be like the child that was abused by its mother I once was. I watched some videos of people before they killed themselves. And I think they resemble me in my last hours. I will beg the universe to avoid that fate. For me though when my days are numbered I will know there is no other escape anymore.
My personal stance to the Cobain quote is: For me it makes suicide look easy. The metaphor of burning out seems to be more "exciting" than to slowly fading away. Though I did not experience committing suicide as something exciting. It rather felt nightmarish and was an escape of unbelievable pain. When I only superficially and hypothetically thought about suicide the quote had a bigger allure to me. However when I faced the reality of my personal suicide this feeling was completely gone.
My personal conclusion was suicide is for me the last resort. I wanted to give life another shot. The whole quote has for me another layer. it is about living in the present or for the future. Maybe this was not intended but for me it is related to it. Financial issues are for a main reason for suicide. I am extremely anxious about poverty and I think it will be lethal for me. I am not made for it. I am quite sure about that. I am extermely anxious about the future because the prospects are horrendous and the past was beyond nightmarish. Further my illness proceeds in cycles so I have not a high likelihood to survive anyway. There are so many scenarios which would force me to commit suicide. Sometimes I have the feeling it is rather a question about when and not whether I kill myself. My family is utterly utterly fucked. And so many horrible problems accumulate and barely any of it gets solved. There are even scenarios that scare me more than my own suicide.
In the past I only lived for the future. I even simulated poverty to make me used to it. Well it was hell on earth for me. There was no benefit in that except being more sure about the fact that it will kill me. A friend of mine said something like "In your position I would try to enjoy my hobbies as long as I can instead of living already in poverty". I think he helped me a lot with that. I try to act strategically and save money. However in the end I will kill me anyway because the amount of won't be significant anyway. In the last 2 years I rewarded me for always fighting so hard. (bought me things) My attempts to recover will probably not succeed but at least I honestly tried. I really want to give life a shot. I plan and search for the optimal strategy. Though the game is extremely rigged against me and I barely have any chance. to win that game. My current strategy is: trying recovery, finding a balance between living in the present and living for the future. giving me sometimes breaks of sorrows and worries. My worries often overwhelm me and scare the shit out of me. But in all honesty I think I cannot change my fate anyway. I try my best to avoid suicide. I fight against the odds. But in the end I can only try my best.
So for me rather trying recovery is like Cobain puts it to "burn out". I ty to recover so hard till I collapse which is not unlikely (complicated to explain but in fact this scenario is not really unlikely) and then kill myself. I am not scared about fading away. For me fading away rather resembles giving up and endorsing fatalism.
I hope this thread is okay to be in this subforum. I try to recover but my personal percentage to succeed are so fucking low. And the news that hit me today scared the shit out of me. It confirmed some theories I had how devastating my future will be and that there probably is not escape for me except suicide.
What do you think about the quote? This thread was probably a little bit long. It is a quote I have thought a lot about.
I wanted to post this thread in suicide discussion but I changed my mind on it because I also talk about recovery. However it certainly does not fit to recovery so so maybe off-topic is a compromise???
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