I ruined my life. Hope I will end it soon

[StuckLikeARat]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

 

[witchcraft]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

"I ruined my life."

Maybe I'm wrong here, but you didn't choose your depression in childhood, or the unresolved mental issues, addictions and traumas of your parents / the rest of your family. When examining all this through the lens of cause-and-effect, I have a hard time concluding that you caused any of that.

I doubt you hoped and actively plotted to be misunderstood, lonely, and sad ever since you were little. To not know what love is.

It's fine to recognize that the decisions you made as a result of such an upbringing during those formative years further sabotaged yourself, but I just thought it might be a... worthwhile experiment to reframe things a bit. I don't think anybody wants to end up in our positions, let alone our younger selves.

Of course, I don't mean to gaslight you or presume I know your life and personal experience better than you do. This is just my view from the outside.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, obviously I would do things very differently. I think that's the case for most people here. Only the people who manage to make it out the other side of this Hell can say shit like "I wouldn't change a thing, it all made me who I am today." But when you don't get that Hollywood redemption arc, the comeback opportunity / underdog moment, going back in time and doing things differently feels like the only way out. So in other words, there is no way out, because going back in time isn't possible and going forward in time will change nothing for the better.

 

[StuckLikeARat]

"I ruined my life."

Maybe I'm wrong here, but you didn't choose your depression in childhood, or the unresolved mental issues, addictions and traumas of your parents / the rest of your family. When examining all this through the lens of cause-and-effect, I have a hard time concluding that you caused any of that.

I doubt you hoped and actively plotted to be misunderstood, lonely, and sad ever since you were little. To not know what love is.

It's fine to recognize that the decisions you made as a result of such an upbringing during those formative years further sabotaged yourself, but I just thought it might be a... worthwhile experiment to reframe things a bit. I don't think anybody wants to end up in our positions, let alone our younger selves.

Of course, I don't mean to gaslight you or presume I know your life and personal experience better than you do. This is just my view from the outside.

If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, obviously I would do things very differently. I think that's the case for most people.

Thanks for your message.

That is the deterministic (yet realistic) view I take regarding others, but one I struggle to apply to myself—at least not fully.

I could have simply hurt myself—or perhaps indirectly harmed others—but no, I made a conscious choice to manipulate and use people, right from childhood.

I inflicted trauma on people who had done nothing to deserve it.

I wish I had seen life differently, but deep down, I knew the harm I was causing.

 

[witchcraft]

Thanks for your message.

That is the deterministic (yet realistic) view I take regarding others, but one I struggle to apply to myself—at least not fully.

I could have simply hurt myself—or perhaps indirectly harmed others—but no, I made a conscious choice to manipulate and use people, right from childhood.

I inflicted trauma on people who had done nothing to deserve it.

I wish I had seen life differently, but deep down, I knew the harm I was causing.

In a general sense, I suppose that I can relate.

And actually I think the majority of people with moderate self-awareness can as well. The difference is usually in how hard one is on themselves, I have found.

I don't know if selfishness can be escaped, technically / pedantically speaking. But not all selfishness is equal. Paying someone to get what you want from them (their time, their labor, their knowledge, their abilities, their resources) isn't the same as enslaving them and beating them until they give it to you. There came a time when I realized that I needed to temper my own selfishness to make room for the selfishness of others and be selfish together. I've found that one's self-interest can often be aligned with the self-interest of somebody else. Things aren't always so neat-and-tidy but that's the basic idea at least.

 

[fadedghost]

Hello everyone,

I am a 21-year-old man.
For years, I've thought about suicide every single day.
I have been in a constant state of dissociation for years.
I struggle to distinguish reality from unreality.
I used drugs to escape reality, which worsened my dissociation and my already disastrous mental state.

I have suffered from depression since childhood; there are many unresolved mental health issues in my family.
Almost everyone has one or more addictions and is on antidepressants.
I, too, have tried numerous treatments, all to no avail.

Since I was little, I have always felt misunderstood, lonely, and sad.
My parents had traumatic childhoods and inadvertently passed their fears and beliefs on to me.
I never learned to develop empathy due to childhood abuse and a constantly conflict-ridden home environment.

I don't know what love is.
I've always ruined my relationships with the few girls who were interested in me because I told myself I didn't deserve to be loved.

I haven't felt anything for years.
Since childhood, I've done everything to sabotage my life: my relationships, my plans, and the image others have of me.
I've always made sure to appear as detestable as possible in order to isolate myself.
I have committed horrible acts and used very violent language.

I think I have antisocial or borderline personality disorder—perhaps both.

I hate this life; I want it to end so badly, yet I am terrified of death.

I've always wondered what comes next; I hope there is nothing.
I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

This life is a constant waking nightmare.
Even at night, nightmares destroy me.

I'm going to end it all for good soon.

My parents will be devastated, but I just can't go on living like this.

have you considered www.na.org?

 

[StuckLikeARat]

have you considered www.na.org?

I don't take drugs anymore so no

 

[fadedghost]

I don't take drugs anymore so no

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

 

[StuckLikeARat]

Have you tried Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?

When I was 15 or 16, I underwent standard therapy with a psychologist; he was competent. I used to lie to him regularly to test my powers of persuasion and to avoid revealing my true self.
I was terrified of facing my demons. My family life was very turbulent back then.

I went back to see the same psychologist when I was 20. He didn't know what to say in the face of my suffering and hinted that suicide might offer a release in my situation.
He told me I was one of the most difficult cases he'd ever encountered in his entire career.
He was holding back his tears.

I almost never cry, but I cried that day.

Two weeks ago, I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get back on medication.

I only needed to get a blood test done, yet I couldn't even bring myself to go, even though the clinic is just ten minutes from my home.

It's been about five days since I last showered.
Everything requires a superhuman effort.

I'm going to do my best to go tomorrow.

I ought to try therapy again, but I'd need an open-minded therapist to deal with a monster like me.

I don't do such horrible things anymore, but I don't think I have the faith left to change.

I've done unforgivable things.
My mother cried because of me again tonight.

I snapped after an argument and told her I wished the suicide attempt I made last year had succeeded.

I know I resent her for being so harsh with me during my childhood and adolescence, but that's no excuse; I don't know how to handle my emotions—I'm breaking down.

 

[jesteroutofwork]

It's been about five days since I last showered.
Everything requires a superhuman effort.

you should really try another medication. Bringing back energy and drive is probably the most useful thing that antidepressants do. for me it felt like i could just tank emotional pain even though I resent some parts of my life on a daily basis, but my depression wasn't as severe as yours honestly. If i remember correctly, severe depression usually responds better to medication than mild/moderate according to science. Can you remember what prescriptions have you already tried? I think proper meds could give you a lot of relief and energy, please consider it man. I pray for you op

 

[StuckLikeARat]

you should really try another medication. Bringing back energy and drive is probably the most useful thing that antidepressants do. for me it felt like i could just tank emotional pain even though I resent some parts of my life on a daily basis, but my depression wasn't as severe as yours honestly. If i remember correctly, severe depression usually responds better to medication than mild/moderate according to science. Can you remember what prescriptions have you already tried? I think proper meds could give you a lot of relief and energy, please consider it man. I pray for you op

Thanks a lot for your message.
I'm going to get that damn blood test done tomorrow and go back on medication; I had stopped for a while because I planned to treat myself with psilocybin, but looking back, that's a recipe for either a major psychotic episode or throwing myself out the window.

Even though the effect was interesting the first time—albeit it felt a bit like being on ketamine.

I started when I was 17 with sertralin
then quetiapin for a year (was always sleepy with a blurry mind)
then lamotrigin with fluoxetin and I stopped everything in March as I said earlier

But the depression made me forget to take my medication and skip appointments with psychiatrists to renew my prescriptions, which led to forced withdrawals that were sometimes horrible...

It sounds totally stupid when put that way, and I know it, but still...

 

[jesteroutofwork]

Thanks a lot for your message.
I'm going to get that damn blood test done tomorrow and go back on medication; I had stopped for a while because I planned to treat myself with psilocybin, but looking back, that's a recipe for either a major psychotic episode or throwing myself out the window.

Even though the effect was interesting the first time—albeit it felt a bit like being on ketamine.

I started when I was 17 with sertralin
then quetiapin for a year (was always sleepy with a blurry mind)
then lamotrigin with fluoxetin and I stopped everything in March as I said earlier

But the depression made me forget to take my medication and skip appointments with psychiatrists to renew my prescriptions, which led to forced withdrawals that were sometimes horrible...

It sounds totally stupid when put that way, and I know it, but still...

yeah psilocybin might be a bit dangerous when you're in a really bad state. There's still a ton of meds you could try. MAOI's, TCA's, SNRI's, and some atypicals. What you said doesn't sound stupid, it sounds really sad. Again I really recommend giving it a try one more time. Exhaust all options before deciding to ctb. take care man. do your blood test

 

[StuckLikeARat]

yeah psilocybin might be a bit dangerous when you're in a really bad state. There's still a ton of meds you could try. MAOI's, TCA's, SNRI's, and some atypicals. What you said doesn't sound stupid, it sounds really sad. Again I really recommend giving it a try one more time. Exhaust all options before deciding to ctb. take care man. do your blood test

I would have loved to experiment with psychedelics if I were more stable, but it's best not to push your luck. I know I would advise someone in my situation against taking them.

I thought it was my last hope for recovery, which is why I stopped all my medication, but a bad trip can be so mentally devastating.


I shouldn't give up so soon. Perhaps, with advances in AI, they will discover new molecules in the near future capable of offering spectacular cures.


I wish you the best in life.
Take care of yourself

 

[heal]

I inflicted trauma on people who had done nothing to deserve it.

I wish I had seen life differently, but deep down, I knew the harm I was causing.

Maybe I think that to reassure myself and avoid facing up to who I really am?

If hell exists, I've got a golden ticket to get in.
I've always been a bad person.
I've done so many terrible things in my life.
It's as if there's a force deep inside me driving me to ruin everything in my life.

It sounds like you feel as though you are only remorseful due to the consequences of your actions. I cannot assume to know how you actually operate, but this perspective may be skewed by your self-loathing. Even if that is truly the case, I still do not think that form of remorse is worth nothing like so many people claim, because it can still serve as a powerful catalyst for change, regardless of whether or not it offers you forgiveness. If that is what it takes for you to consider treating others kindly, and you do your best to follow that path going forward, I would only offer praise. Remorse is remorse.

There are evidently others sympathetic and open to understand you here as well, and such people also exist in the real world. Perhaps finding that understanding may not be enough to sway your mind against the weight of the world at large, but my hope is that it could make living more tolerable for you. You may not receive forgiveness from everyone, but I still believe you can have a place in this world.

I hold a rather deterministic and materialist view of the world. I think everything is just a chain reaction of cause and effect.

I agree with this perspective, and that is why I feel people should be willing to extend compassion and forgiveness beyond the extents of their understanding. There is always a cause, and I believe even people that take pleasure in exacting harm lack the full understanding to consider the ways they are harming others and themselves by proxy. There are many forms of cruelty that are socially celebrated and rewarded, and not everyone will develop the readiness to receive or be given the same tools of discernment at each juncture in life. We all have to learn somehow, and sometimes it takes an extreme for a person to finally discover remorse. I do not feel that is worth discarding or admonishing.

I have only sympathy for you and hope you can be kinder to yourself, even if you stumble along the way. I am rooting for and wishing you well.