Venting I ruined my life by being dumb; now suicide seems like my only option

[SoulWantsHome]

Due to the inherent limitations of the human brain, which disable one's ability to think clearly in a state of fear and panic; I unfortunately managed to make 2 gigantic mistakes when I was in a state of fear and panic, that resulted in permanent damage to myself. This is the reason why I joined this forum.

It was like a "perfect storm", where the circumstances were just right for me to make these 2 mistakes - which I never would have made under normal circumstances (as I would have been calm and undistracted enough to think properly, under normal circumstances).

The permanent damage is problematic in itself, of course. But the self-criticism/self-blame and disappointment with myself, for being THIS DUMB when I was in a state of fear and panic (despite actually being a very smart person under normal circumstances), is unbearable! The regret, sorrow, disappointment and anger I feel, due to these mistakes I made, is simply impossible for me to live with!

I was already quite suicidal before this incident happened - but after this incident happened, it was the final straw for me.



Life is so unfair... I had such big plans for helping the world become a better place. And then THIS happens...! And now, all my years of hard work, and all my plans to help the world, are completely WASTED! I'm definitely going to have a SERIOUS talk with my spirit-guides and life-organizers in the spirit-world, once I return there! They fucked up BIG TIME by allowing this incident to happen to me!

I plan to commit suicide about 1 week from now. I just hope my suicide-method works flawlessly. My spirit-guides and life-organizers in the spirit-world, should grant me that at least!

(By the way, there's not really a point to this post of mine, aside from just expressing how I feel about this situation.)

 

[Off_Switch]

You sound like a giver. This world is not made for givers. You have to take, take, take. Fck the next person.

 

[SoulWantsHome]

You sound like a giver. This world is not made for givers. You have to take, take, take. Fck the next person.

That's 100% correct. I've always been an exceptionally caring, considerate, empathetic and giving person by nature (although all of those traits are variable/selective, as they depend on the circumstances, of course). It's part of the reason why I've always felt like "this isn't my type of world", ever since I was in kindergarten (or even younger).

I sincerely want to help others. It's simply how I fundamentally am as a person. I don't even like killing flies, as I usually try to help them instead. It actually saddens me a bit when I have to kill anything - including insects.

 

[Off_Switch]

That's 100% correct. I've always been an exceptionally caring, considerate, empathetic and giving person by nature (although all of those traits are selective, as they depend on the circumstances, of course). It's part of the reason why I've always felt like "this isn't my type of world", ever since I was in kindergarten (or even younger).

I sincerely want to help others. It's simply how I fundamentally am as a person. I don't even like killing flies, as I usually try to help them instead. It actually saddens me a bit when I have to kill anything - including insects.

It's admirable but very futile, my friend. No one will ever truly appreciate you, most will step all over and take advantage of you.

 

[Realgar]

I hear you. I want to go home as well. My time on Earth is done. I just wish there was a pain free and easy way to end my existence on this Earthly plane.

 

[SoulWantsHome]

It's admirable but very futile, my friend. No one will ever truly appreciate you, most will step all over and take advantage of you.

I get what you're saying. However, it's not entirely accurate (although it's accurate to a large extent, of course). This is because people truly appreciate a person, if the person has certain other, desirable traits (the "secret sauce") in addition to those traits that I mentioned here.

In other words:
Only being nice, is quite futile, yes. But being nice in combination with certain other, desirable traits (the "secret sauce"), is highly effective.

I hear you. I want to go home as well. My time on Earth is done. I just wish there was a pain free and easy way to end my existence on this Earthly plane.

There is - at least with the right equipment.

Nitrogen-hypoxia (by using a nitrogen-gas-tank, a gas-regulator and a mask) is the ultimate suicide-method, when used with the right equipment. This ideally entails using a full-faced scuba-diving-mask for a mask, although those (as well as its connections) are expensive. The next best thing is probably to use a oxygen-mask for a mask - if you manage to fasten it properly onto your head, and to seal it properly onto your face. That's what I intend to be using.

(By the way, using an "exit-bag" instead of an oxygen-mask, seems to be way more work/hassle, and also seems to be way more risky.)

 

[golddustwoman]

I get what you're saying. However, it's not entirely accurate (although it's accurate to a large extent, of course). This is because people truly appreciate a person, if the person has certain other, desirable traits (the "secret sauce") in addition to those traits that I mentioned here.

In other words:
Only being nice, is futile, yes. But being nice in combination with certain other, desirable traits (the "secret sauce"), is highly effective.

tbh if you're autistic you've got no hope. people don't give a fuck about autistic people no matter how nice you are, you don't matter, you will never have that 'secret sauce'. speaking from experience. there's nothing you can do to make people love you, even other autistics will just never, ever get you. personally, i think i'll be loveless for the rest of my pathetic life because there's just something wrong with my blood that makes me unlovable as an autistic person.

OP i get you. i wish i could help but that's not what either of us are here for. we as humans aren't meant to function the way we do in the society we live in. it's no wonder so many of us want to ctb.

 

[SoulWantsHome]

tbh if you're autistic you've got no hope. people don't give a fuck about autistic people no matter how nice you are, you don't matter, you will never have that 'secret sauce'. speaking from experience. there's nothing you can do to make people love you, even other autistics will just never, ever get you. personally, i think i'll be loveless for the rest of my pathetic life because there's just something wrong with my blood that makes me unlovable as an autistic person.

Yeah, I fully believe you about that (at least for people who have severe, or relatively severe, cases of autism).

What I was referring to in your quote of mine, was only in the context of "normal people". (And I don't mean the term, "normal people", in a condescending way towards you/autistic people. I just mean the term, "normal people", as a way of differentiating between autistic people and the vast majority of people.)

 

[golddustwoman]

Yeah, I fully believe you about that (at least for people who have severe, or relatively severe, cases of autism).

What I was referring to in your quote of mine, was in the context of "normal people". (And I don't mean the term, "normal people", in a condescending way towards you/autistic people. I just mean the term, "normal people", as a way of differentiating between autistic people and the vast majority of people.)

oh yeah i get you dude, sorry if i sounded snarky or something, was just adding on to your point. sorry i'm just in a state right now (as i'm sure you can imagine since i'm on here) so i think i'm sounding snippier than i mean.

you are 100% right, it sucks to not be normal, yet it still sucks to be normal as well. what kind of world are we living in that people have to feel this way?

 

[SoulWantsHome]

oh yeah i get you dude, sorry if i sounded snarky or something, was just adding on to your point. sorry i'm just in a state right now (as i'm sure you can imagine since i'm on here) so i think i'm sounding snippier than i mean.

That's okay. I totally understand your need to point out the exception to the rule (namely autistic people), regarding what I wrote. Besides, I often feel the same need to point out exceptions to the rules, in other cases; so I get "where you're coming from" here.

(...) it sucks to not be normal, yet it still sucks to be normal as well.

Yeah - "you're damned if you are, and you're damned if you aren't".

what kind of world are we living in that people have to feel this way?

Well, actually, if you really want to know (and if you weren't just asking this question rhetorically):

We live on a planet that's designed by the spirit-world, specifically to be a difficult/challenging/problematic environment for souls to incarnate in - which thereby provides souls with incredibly hard and effective learning-experiences.

Earth is actually just a school for souls. (And earth is actually known as a particularly hard school, in the spirit-world. Only the bravest of souls dare to incarnate here at all - and only the super-bravest of souls dare to have extremely difficult/challenging/problematic lives here.)

You're actually in the "classroom of earth" right now, where you're undergoing the task of dealing with your personal issues in life (such as being an autistic person, in a world where most people aren't autistic).