I regret recovery.

[BPD Barbie]

Well, as the title says, I regret ever going into recovery. Mainly because while things might be better mentally, it opens up all the shit I've left behind and the destruction I've caused while being mentally ill. Debt, for example. I now have to face things I was almost blissfully unaware of thanks to be wrapped up in my suicidal bubble. My biggest regret was not committing suicide when I was at my worst.
Almost daily I try and push myself to stop the medications, I want that feeling back. I hate the way I feel now, almost empty, not really depressed, just dead inside, void of anything. I wish I had never started on this stupid journey and I wish I had gone when I had the chance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else regret trying to start to recover?

 

[Mr2005]

I don't regret that you've tried. You're a major asset to the forum

 

[Sensei]

You will always have the option to end your own life at your own terms at any time. Knowing that can actually make your recovery easier as you'll feel less pressure.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I don't regret that you've tried. You're a major asset to the forum

Thank you love

You will always have the option to end your own life at your own terms at any time. Knowing that can actually make your recovery easier as you'll feel less pressure.

Yeah, I still have the items needed and stuff, but now I lack the courage and I don't know if I will ever have it back.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yes I definitely agree with you on this. I regret every day I didn´t kill myself when I was 18-19 where I moved out for the first time to have all the space to kill myself with no eyes on me I still had depression and my teenage hormones which was a great drive so I could still cry and feel nostalgia not like now with 100% apathy no feelings to give me the drive of suicide but I STUPIDLY decided to give life a second chance, had I just killed myself back then that would have been perfect because my apathy and all my health problems got was by each year starting from age 20 god I wish I never gave life a second chance I have only gotten physically and mentally worse by each passing year ( I have over a dozen physical and mental problems now) and have had no friends for years.

Giving life a second chance only have made me suffer more than I could ever imagine for 6 years and I just want out of this horrible existence!!!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That must be so tough, to have started down that road and to have turned back, to see the devastation left behind.

Last year, after I was bullied out of my home and left here, I gave up and began to rot. I barely ate, didn't shower, hardly slept, etc. I was sure I was going to die anyways so what did it matter. I was suffering physically and wound up in a&e only to be kicked out because I wasn't actually dying yet.
That was nearly the end of me, that night.
I clawed my way back and bullied an out of hours go into giving me the medication I needed to survive. From then it's been an uphill struggle and I frequently look back at the trail of destruction I left behind me in my life. I lost so much because I didn't care.
Now I want to care and I'm trying but I grieve the things I've lost and the opportunities I've missed and part of me wishes that I'd got what I wanted when I went to a&e that night, which was to die.

When you start to try and recover, you realise how hard everything is. And suicide is that golden promise, that seductive siren that promises an end to all the struggles, that instead you now find yourself facing. So now you have to fight again, only weaker and more exhausted.
I can sympathize to regretting the decision to try and recover, the fight often seems endless and pointless.

It takes real courage to do that, and I think that's a courage you may yet posses. I was really impressed to see you go into recovery and heartbroken when you left. I agree, you are a real asset to this place and I hope you can carry on.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm starting to feel the same thing about my own recovery. I wanted to give myself another chance of finding happiness, but all I ever get are more and more obstacles. They just keep coming. It feels like it's all been a waste of time and now I'm just angry and more suicidal than ever. It's good that you at least gave yourself another chance, even though it doesn't seem like it has helped much.

I hope you can find a reason to keep trying and keep going, but if it gets to be too much, you will always have the option of leaving whenever you want to. That is an option that all of us have, but I wish it was one we didn't have to resort to using.

 

[qwerty32]

I'm tired of the waiting period of recovery. I've waited most of my life.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

Exactly how I feel. I hate the way I'm right now because I know it's totally fake. I've tried to stop taking the meds but felt like shit not just mentally but also physically, that's why I had to take em again

 

[BPD Barbie]

It's like when the fog lifts and you can see clearly again, just chaos, where to start, where to begin, what have I done etc. Now I'm stuck in this limbo where I'm not happy or sad, I don't want to live but I don't want to die, I just want to feel something, anything. Thank you guys for saying I'm a asset to the forum, that means a lot. I love this place despite the fact I come and go like the seasons. You're all my extended online family and I'd be lost without this place to turn to at times.

 

[Deathcabforugly]

Well, as the title says, I regret ever going into recovery. Mainly because while things might be better mentally, it opens up all the shit I've left behind and the destruction I've caused while being mentally ill. Debt, for example. I now have to face things I was almost blissfully unaware of thanks to be wrapped up in my suicidal bubble. My biggest regret was not committing suicide when I was at my worst.
Almost daily I try and push myself to stop the medications, I want that feeling back. I hate the way I feel now, almost empty, not really depressed, just dead inside, void of anything. I wish I had never started on this stupid journey and I wish I had gone when I had the chance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else regret trying to start to recover?

Barbie, I know what your dealing with in terms of that empty feeling. It's one of the symptoms that makes us borderline. Don't regret that you tried to get better though, never regret that.

 

[waterbottleman]

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world......

Sorry I had to say it.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world......

Sorry I had to say it.

Thats where part of my profile info comes from :P

 

[Squiddy]

I'm trying to recover, but so far, no luck. I kinda wish I ctb 2 years ago when I was at my worst

 

[Deathcabforugly]

I've been making some dark humored, fucked up mimes today to deal with my mood.

 

[faust]

I can't say I regret giving myself another chance. It was not a recovery then, it was another chance. I did not do a huge mess before starting a new life. Now the damage is catastrophic and I have only a short time-span to CTB before the results appear. Huge debts would be yet to come with all other unpleasant things. From this point of view, it would be better to CTB before, but who knew it would be that way.

 

[Mm80]

Can completely relate and i put a lot of it down to psychiatric drugs. When i was on them (on and off for 20 years) i didnt lay the foundations and build a life like others do ie pursue a meaningful career, make healthy long lasting relationships, buy a home etc. This was because the tablets numbed me from the realities of life. I was in a bubble where i thought everything was fine, didnt strive for things and was generally apathetic and uncaring about things.
When i recently stopped taking them it became very clear what i had missed out on and how id wasted my life, im now watching others who actually enjoy life and have built foundations and happiness. Also i believe that my brain has been permanently damaged to some degree. Feels like the only thing to do is to ctb or start taking meds again and enjoy the bliss in a world of my own.

 

[Watcher]

Well, I agree that I should CTB before. One year and half ago I had a car accident, I left the university, I lost my friends cause I was unable to explain them what was going inside my head. All due to, I was confused and scared I´v lost someone I loved, and before that I was already suffering major depresion since three years ago.

The car accident was my limit. I just wished it was all over, but I´ve survived. And now I don´t now how I´m still here...

And Ctb is more difficult due to this quarantine, ´cause I can only think about the effects it can produce to my family.

I don´t say they don´t have any fault; but at this point ¿Why I would want a revenge?

Like you I´m in the "limbo", not alive, not dead, can´t feel anything. Difficulty to process everything... It is really worst than as you say, when you could accumulate the will to ctb.


¿And if this is the true meaning of being crazy? being alive when you can no longer live any more.


This is my history, but I know many BPDs that support a lot, you are very strong. On the other hand, I have never understood the world well.

 

[mr nobody]

I'm in the same boat. The meds are preventing me from feeling depressed and for some reason I don't like it. I'm also worse off now after spending time in the hospital and facility. I'm in debt and I have no desire to even continue. I gave it a try and things just seem worse. I had a failed attempt 3 weeks ago, as my girlfriend somehow managed to save me. I'm seriously considering doing it tonight, far away where it will be successful.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

And me. To realize it was all for nothing, that extra topping off mid twenties suffering to finish off the life story of shit.
Now I'm taking my time to get back the will to follow through 100%
I think suicide takes ethic.
Like all the things I had to regain trying to recover like work ethic, that's alot of pain for someone who lost the will to live
That 18 months I could've shuffled off this 'hopefully' mortal coil.

 

[Muirthemne]

I can kinda identify with this. I was very isolated my whole life cause of my upbringing and mental health issues, and the last few years I've been finally getting out and meeting people, but it's so hard and so exhausting. I had to sacrifice so much and hurt myself so much just to fit, and I still have hardly anyone I'm actually close to. The people who mean the most to me always leave me behind. I've had these brief tastes of what it's like to actually feel comfortable and loved, but it always slips away.

Every day I wonder if I made a mistake by even trying. It feels like mostly all I've achieved is to realize just how different I am and how much I'll never belong. That life experience I missed out on can never be made up for. I'll always be behind everyone else, and every encounter with other people is another reminder of that.

I think I might be too scared of dying to really kill myself, but nonetheless I'm pretty sure committing suicide years ago would have been the right choice. I'm tired of trying so hard to change and it still never being good enough for anyone.

 

[muffin222]

I feel the same way at times. It's like being stuck in purgatory

 

[darkhorse256]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Recovery, to me, is more painful than the actual trauma that has been inflicted on me. I regret going for recovery because people keep telling me to try but in reality, I have tried. I've tried and failed. And to expect me to do any more than that is just so draining. I wish people were more patient when it comes to recovery and understanding. Recovery opens up a lot of old wounds and people just expect you to be able to deal with them. But recovery is just so hard. I really wish I had succeeded in CTB sooner.

 

[SerialFailer]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Recovery, to me, is more painful than the actual trauma that has been inflicted on me. I regret going for recovery because people keep telling me to try but in reality, I have tried. I've tried and failed. And to expect me to do any more than that is just so draining. I wish people were more patient when it comes to recovery and understanding. Recovery opens up a lot of old wounds and people just expect you to be able to deal with them. But recovery is just so hard. I really wish I had succeeded in CTB sooner.

Same. Had to deal with everything twice and was actually worse than the first time around since I couldn't trick and delude myself to cope. I wasn't and am still not able to deal with it, it's been 3 years since I forced myself to "deal with everything" that was awful in my life. It's been 3 years since I had exactly nothing but suffering to live for.
I was very miserable before, yes, but even though I knew I would end up CTB eventually I could barely cope and survive with the amount of suffering I could then stand.
Ironically, recovery is what is going to kill me.

 

[Letmego. Please]

@BPD Barbie

You have my greatest respect for starting on the long slog, cause sadly when we have been 'unwell' for a while it takes a lot of time & self kindness to start to feel better over time.

When I was your age I had the same diagnosis, by then I had already caused untold damage to everything in my life with my self destructive behaviour, including myself, but the thing with 'Recovery' is it is dam hard, even more so when you have a backlog of destruction behind you. It is also a long bloody hard slog that will at times feel never ending. I spent a good few years in 'recovery' resenting it, like you wanting that feeling of no boundaries, no responsibilities, just the ability to feel what I did back then.

I cannot tell you it will work for you, as nobody knows that, but 30 yrs on I learnt most of the stuff that childhood hadn't taught me from other people in my life, I no longer have the diagnosis nor fit the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD, I guess what I am trying to say is that just because traumatic stuff taught us to think and live a certain way doesn't mean you cannot learn as an adult all the stuff that we lost out on, & as a result you can & do change & grow as a person.

Sorry I'm not doing great at explaining myself today. And yes I know I'm still here, but for different reasons than I was at your age. All I can do at the mo is hope that you stick with it and send you my best wishes and ((Hugs))

Hang in there (but not literally)

 

[jgm63]

Well, as the title says, I regret ever going into recovery. Mainly because while things might be better mentally, it opens up all the shit I've left behind and the destruction I've caused while being mentally ill. Debt, for example. I now have to face things I was almost blissfully unaware of thanks to be wrapped up in my suicidal bubble. My biggest regret was not committing suicide when I was at my worst.
Almost daily I try and push myself to stop the medications, I want that feeling back. I hate the way I feel now, almost empty, not really depressed, just dead inside, void of anything. I wish I had never started on this stupid journey and I wish I had gone when I had the chance.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else regret trying to start to recover?

Really hope you can feel a little better soon.

 

[Quarky00]

Yeah I feel the same, I had the perfect opportunity and time, and I regret that. Some things got better but hell continues. I get the zombie feeling. Not feeling anymore is vexing and depressing in itself. Daily empty feeling and in the broader picture -- meaningless. Not sure I wanna die. I experience awful limbo / purgatory / ambivalent strong: die , don't die , die , don't die , die , don't die ...

Other people here have written better than me. I do hope you are just wary of the problems and the shit rather than add blame to yourself. Don't. You had other big problems before (I assume) so they had just transformed into new ones (debt). That's my personal view. Helps me understand that I haven't really "created new problems". Life in general is big shit balls thrown at us all the time.. Its just the texture of the shit that changes ;)

Btw yeah many people have debt hovering over their head, not only in SS. It's such a huge burden and a reason to ctb in itself. It could be just despairing and another endless uphill battle. Or it could be really distressful (feeling existential danger: once my severe financial stress calmed I felt calmer).

I don't know if you experience distress, or if you can enjoy small things in life. I was given a great advice here in February to go to the beach (which I liked in the past but couldn't care less in recent years) everyday. I did not feel a thing for a while. Only recently -- after 3 months! -- I've gain 'some interest' in sunsets or nature. Some feeling of nice comfort. Perhaps psychiatrist can lower dosage (improbable). Perhaps there could be a way to 'fight' the zombiness, but it's a daily battle of actively seeking things and constantly not enjoying them or being frustrated -- until you finally do. But I also feel much comfort thinking of ctb and how peaceful it would be. Mind drifts away, not dealing with harsh reality or condition, one of the best soothers.

You still have a lot to live for, I guess. And being suicidal while living is okay.

Plough through.

I love this place despite the fact I come and go like the seasons.

We suffer from Barbie Seasonal Disorder

 

[terry_a_davis]

I had far far less thoughts about suicide when I was seriously mentally ill as I didn't think much about how my life had gone wrong. Now I'm past that mental illness and have had chance to assess the state of my life I think about suicide most days.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I'm really proud of you for trying to recover and being so open about things not going so well.

I'm sort of trying to recover and I already regret it so much. I stupidly decided to be way more open with my psychologist than I should have been and I think I've fucked up any chance I have suicide for a while

 

[NekoNomNom]

The first time I tried to ctb was at age 12. I honestly regret having failed and not persisting. Thinking that life would improve was such a naive mistake on my part. It seemed that my fate to continue living was sealed when I ended up having my son at 16. My son is the best thing to happen to me. He gave me the strength to do what was best for us.

Almost 11 years later, and I'm right back to square one in terms of wanting to ctb. I now feel that my son is old enough to have a successful life without me, although I'll never really know if I leave. To be honest, I had planned to ctb when he turns 18, anyway. However, I don't think that I can wait that long. I feel that I've raised him quite well for being a single parent. I got us out of my mom's terrible grip, and have set him up nicely in the event of my death.

Despite all of that, it's still so difficult trying to leave. I've made a few attempts in the last two months, but I've failed each time because I couldn't stop thinking about my son. He became my world the moment I found out I was pregnant. I have made sacrifices, took full responsibility, and have done everything within my power to make his life far better than what mine has been.

Why is this so difficult.