Long story short, I'm 32 years old and I've been having suicidal thoughts pretty much constantly since I was 14. It's been 18 years thinking of doing it and, honestly, I'm tired.
I oscillate between feeling good for a couple of months/years and having depressive episodes that last for 2-4 years a time. Even when I'm feeling fine, there's always this chatter at the back of my mind pushing me to act impulsively and end it all. When I'm good I can mostly ignore these thoughts, but sometimes they overwhelm me and drag me down to a dark state of mind.
I tried ending my life before. I was 16/17 at the first time, but I was as clueless, and on a time when the internet was merely a fraction of what it is today, I tried OD'ing with paroxetina, the antidepressant I was taking (mind that it was before they found out that paroxetine was a scam that actually worsened your symptoms). My mother had a sixth sense and decided to check on me while I was still in the act of gulping the last pills, and made me puke everything.
It was roughly at this time that I started cutting myself, and habit that I still could not let go. When everything is a blur and my mind is numb, the almost orgasmic pleasure I derive from the sweet pain helps me to unfocus from the emotional to the physical pain. So cutting became not only an escape, but an addiction and a pleasure.
The second time I tried offing when I was 18, and being too coward for doing the deed myself, I decided to just start jaywalking until I was hit by a truck or a bus. I have no idea how, but I survived a whole week of this and caused no traffic accidents. Living on a small town has its pros and cons... On this time, however, I had to spend 3 months at home under 24/7 surveillance by doctor's orders. It was this or being institutionalized because my parents were freaking out.
Eventually, I got better. Knew a girl, we started dating and throughout the years she started to make me see the joy in life again. Took me more 4 or 5 years, but she helped me get good enough to get off meds. With the mental stability I finished my undergrad level, got a master's diploma and started working on a career that I like.
My relationship with her progressed, we got married and recently had a child. We bought a plot of land and built our house. I have a good job that pays very well. Basically, I can't complain of my life, and I feel like the worst PoS that breathes in this world for wanting to CTB. At the same time that I desperately want it (emotionally), I also don't want it by any means (rationally).
Rationally I should be feeling well, but emotionally I'm not. Even after I got better, I passed through some severely strong depressive episodes each lasting at least 2 years. Now I'm passing through the strongest depressive episode that I ever passed, and I'm simply tired of it.
I started to cut again on a regular basis, but I got better I hiding it. I learned the exact amount of pressure to do more than a scratch but not leave a scar, and have a cut that's gone in a couple of days.
I reached the conclusion that I should had CTB'd years ago when I had the chance, preferentially before meeting my wife so that wonderful woman wouldn't be affected by my death. All my days now are filled with regret for being too much of a wuss for not having the guts to do it before.
Ending my life is what I want the most, but at the same time I cannot fathom scarring my wife and child like this. I know they will NEVER recover from it. Selfishly I think that this wouldn't be my problem once the worms are eating my flesh under the ground, but I care too much for them.
Not only them, but we also tend to my parents and my wife's parents too. My wife opted to take care of the home chores so I can focus on my work, and neither of these people for whom I deeply care would be able to keep on living properly if I go.
There's far too much at stake. I simply can't deal with these horrible thoughts anymore. Any time I close my eyes I see myself carving my flesh to the bone, jumping in front of a truck, hanging myself, piercing my heart with a knife, blowing my brains out, drinking 3 bottles of N, etc. Every. Single. Blink. Of. The. Eye. It's all the time. 18 f****ing years of this shit and I'm simply tired. But at the same time, I can't do this. My child didn't asked to be born, it was we who decided to bring that life to the world.
Not only this, I know that, objectively my life is good. I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts and wanting to CTBing when there are so many people in truly bad situations who are happy. I feel like an arrogant PoS.
I'm back to therapy once again for the n-th time. I wish there was some magical treatment that could make these thoughts finally go away. I'd consider even lobotomy of shocking my brain.
Sorry for the long ramble. CTBing is what I most want in this life, but what I also really can't do. I deeply regret not having the balls to do it before. If I had done it before getting married, having a child and building a house, people would have found a way of moving on. Now, it's impossible.
I oscillate between feeling good for a couple of months/years and having depressive episodes that last for 2-4 years a time. Even when I'm feeling fine, there's always this chatter at the back of my mind pushing me to act impulsively and end it all. When I'm good I can mostly ignore these thoughts, but sometimes they overwhelm me and drag me down to a dark state of mind.
I tried ending my life before. I was 16/17 at the first time, but I was as clueless, and on a time when the internet was merely a fraction of what it is today, I tried OD'ing with paroxetina, the antidepressant I was taking (mind that it was before they found out that paroxetine was a scam that actually worsened your symptoms). My mother had a sixth sense and decided to check on me while I was still in the act of gulping the last pills, and made me puke everything.
It was roughly at this time that I started cutting myself, and habit that I still could not let go. When everything is a blur and my mind is numb, the almost orgasmic pleasure I derive from the sweet pain helps me to unfocus from the emotional to the physical pain. So cutting became not only an escape, but an addiction and a pleasure.
The second time I tried offing when I was 18, and being too coward for doing the deed myself, I decided to just start jaywalking until I was hit by a truck or a bus. I have no idea how, but I survived a whole week of this and caused no traffic accidents. Living on a small town has its pros and cons... On this time, however, I had to spend 3 months at home under 24/7 surveillance by doctor's orders. It was this or being institutionalized because my parents were freaking out.
Eventually, I got better. Knew a girl, we started dating and throughout the years she started to make me see the joy in life again. Took me more 4 or 5 years, but she helped me get good enough to get off meds. With the mental stability I finished my undergrad level, got a master's diploma and started working on a career that I like.
My relationship with her progressed, we got married and recently had a child. We bought a plot of land and built our house. I have a good job that pays very well. Basically, I can't complain of my life, and I feel like the worst PoS that breathes in this world for wanting to CTB. At the same time that I desperately want it (emotionally), I also don't want it by any means (rationally).
Rationally I should be feeling well, but emotionally I'm not. Even after I got better, I passed through some severely strong depressive episodes each lasting at least 2 years. Now I'm passing through the strongest depressive episode that I ever passed, and I'm simply tired of it.
I started to cut again on a regular basis, but I got better I hiding it. I learned the exact amount of pressure to do more than a scratch but not leave a scar, and have a cut that's gone in a couple of days.
I reached the conclusion that I should had CTB'd years ago when I had the chance, preferentially before meeting my wife so that wonderful woman wouldn't be affected by my death. All my days now are filled with regret for being too much of a wuss for not having the guts to do it before.
Ending my life is what I want the most, but at the same time I cannot fathom scarring my wife and child like this. I know they will NEVER recover from it. Selfishly I think that this wouldn't be my problem once the worms are eating my flesh under the ground, but I care too much for them.
Not only them, but we also tend to my parents and my wife's parents too. My wife opted to take care of the home chores so I can focus on my work, and neither of these people for whom I deeply care would be able to keep on living properly if I go.
There's far too much at stake. I simply can't deal with these horrible thoughts anymore. Any time I close my eyes I see myself carving my flesh to the bone, jumping in front of a truck, hanging myself, piercing my heart with a knife, blowing my brains out, drinking 3 bottles of N, etc. Every. Single. Blink. Of. The. Eye. It's all the time. 18 f****ing years of this shit and I'm simply tired. But at the same time, I can't do this. My child didn't asked to be born, it was we who decided to bring that life to the world.
Not only this, I know that, objectively my life is good. I feel terribly guilty having these thoughts and wanting to CTBing when there are so many people in truly bad situations who are happy. I feel like an arrogant PoS.
I'm back to therapy once again for the n-th time. I wish there was some magical treatment that could make these thoughts finally go away. I'd consider even lobotomy of shocking my brain.
Sorry for the long ramble. CTBing is what I most want in this life, but what I also really can't do. I deeply regret not having the balls to do it before. If I had done it before getting married, having a child and building a house, people would have found a way of moving on. Now, it's impossible.
