Hi guys, I want to tell you that there is hope.
Last year I was in a very bad place.I had trouble with anxiety and insomnia in September and October so I went to a doctor. She prescribe me benzodiazepines. When I took the first pill I become relaxed, but I woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling of doom. The next day in the morning I went to gym to calm down and after excercising my heart started beating fast,I thought I had a heart attack, I had a full blown panic attack. I went to Emergency unit and they told me that everything is fine with my heart.
I came back to my doctor and she upped the dose of benzo and added paroxetine and trazadone. The next days were only worse, I started having suicide thoughts and terrible insomnia. Unofrtunatelly, six years before there was suicide in my family, so at this moment I was panicked that I will end the same way. I was scared that my sleep is damaged pernamently, I was anxious that I would lose my GF, I was scared that I would not be able to handle my job. I Went to doctor again ang guess what? More drugs! My mental health went down every day, the only thing i did was to spend all day in bed and ruminate. . I spiraled down and went to the psych ward for 4 days, I was discharged, they told me that I had depression and anxiety. One month later I had argue with my family, I talked them that I am suicidal and gonna kill myself. They called for the ambulance, and they took me to the most obscure and hellish psychiatric hospital you can imagine ( couldn't go to the previous one because of some covid restricitions) . I was put to the same room with narocmans and people with obvious brain damage. In the hellish psych hospital I spent more than 3 weeks and the experience was a pure nightmare. The first day, after 2 minute talk with the doctors , they said " Oh so after taking ssri you had suicide thoughts, that has to be underlying bipolar ! " They started treating me with mood stabilizers and very high doses of antispychotics. It zombified me, finally I was discharged in January 2022 with the diagnosis : Bipolar with psychotic features. I was in very dark place, I wanted to give up. My lovely GF told me that this bipolar diagnosis doesnt make sense ( I never had any mania episode or depresiion episode before. I didn't have hallucinations nor hearing voices), she convinced me to try one more doctor. I decided that I would give a try. I found the most expensive psychaitrist in my country. But it was worht it. The first meeting lasted 40 minutes and he told me that the new diagnosis is not convincing and he prepared plan for me to taper off antipsychotic and mood stabilizer - and stay off the drugs to reset my nervous system. This brought hope to my heartt. I could be drug free! I started swimming every day, went back to work and after one month, was drug free and I felt much better - still anxious and depressed but with no suicide intentions. I had hope.
Then I started therapy - cognitive behavioral therapy and I slowly recoverd to the point that there are days that I am no anxious nor depressed at all.
I learned one thing - I will never ever touch any psych drug again. I don't want to have anything to do with psychiatry. For me, this branch of medicine lost all the respect.
Please, have hope! If you suffer from depression, anxiety or insmnia , you may recover even if you don't believe it !
Last year I was in a very bad place.I had trouble with anxiety and insomnia in September and October so I went to a doctor. She prescribe me benzodiazepines. When I took the first pill I become relaxed, but I woke up in the middle of the night with the feeling of doom. The next day in the morning I went to gym to calm down and after excercising my heart started beating fast,I thought I had a heart attack, I had a full blown panic attack. I went to Emergency unit and they told me that everything is fine with my heart.
I came back to my doctor and she upped the dose of benzo and added paroxetine and trazadone. The next days were only worse, I started having suicide thoughts and terrible insomnia. Unofrtunatelly, six years before there was suicide in my family, so at this moment I was panicked that I will end the same way. I was scared that my sleep is damaged pernamently, I was anxious that I would lose my GF, I was scared that I would not be able to handle my job. I Went to doctor again ang guess what? More drugs! My mental health went down every day, the only thing i did was to spend all day in bed and ruminate. . I spiraled down and went to the psych ward for 4 days, I was discharged, they told me that I had depression and anxiety. One month later I had argue with my family, I talked them that I am suicidal and gonna kill myself. They called for the ambulance, and they took me to the most obscure and hellish psychiatric hospital you can imagine ( couldn't go to the previous one because of some covid restricitions) . I was put to the same room with narocmans and people with obvious brain damage. In the hellish psych hospital I spent more than 3 weeks and the experience was a pure nightmare. The first day, after 2 minute talk with the doctors , they said " Oh so after taking ssri you had suicide thoughts, that has to be underlying bipolar ! " They started treating me with mood stabilizers and very high doses of antispychotics. It zombified me, finally I was discharged in January 2022 with the diagnosis : Bipolar with psychotic features. I was in very dark place, I wanted to give up. My lovely GF told me that this bipolar diagnosis doesnt make sense ( I never had any mania episode or depresiion episode before. I didn't have hallucinations nor hearing voices), she convinced me to try one more doctor. I decided that I would give a try. I found the most expensive psychaitrist in my country. But it was worht it. The first meeting lasted 40 minutes and he told me that the new diagnosis is not convincing and he prepared plan for me to taper off antipsychotic and mood stabilizer - and stay off the drugs to reset my nervous system. This brought hope to my heartt. I could be drug free! I started swimming every day, went back to work and after one month, was drug free and I felt much better - still anxious and depressed but with no suicide intentions. I had hope.
Then I started therapy - cognitive behavioral therapy and I slowly recoverd to the point that there are days that I am no anxious nor depressed at all.
I learned one thing - I will never ever touch any psych drug again. I don't want to have anything to do with psychiatry. For me, this branch of medicine lost all the respect.
Please, have hope! If you suffer from depression, anxiety or insmnia , you may recover even if you don't believe it !
