i really wish i were dead!!!!

[woofwag]

not my normal typing style still kinda tipsy


there are only two things i want rn: 1) to be madly, unhealthily obsessed with someone and have them be obsessed back and have it hurt the both of us and 2) to fucking die! idk i don't care which is first or if i just die or just become obsessed. i just want to self-destruct!

i am cute but idk i don't think i'm super hot enough to attract people to be obsessed with me to that degree. i have done it before. my bestie even says i'm hot enough to start an onlyfans. but idk. i'm not sure if i can do it again or how long that kind of thing will last. i need pain so bad, i need what i had before with my ex, i need to be hurt but ik they've changed and they won't abuse me again even if they still hurt me with their words sometimes. but we don't even talk now and i don't want to message them back rn. i don't want to give them the satisfaction of a response

i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i've wanted it since i was 6 years old. probably sooner, 6 was just my first attempt that i remember.

i'm addicted to pain and attention despite being scared of both. i post on here because i can't talk about this stuff anywhere else and i want attention for it. but ik if i say this shit in person it will scare everyone away. i want someone to like me first so they won't be so scared when i tell them what i really am. is that manipulative? probably! i'm fucking evil i guess!!!!! this is also why i should die!

god i just crave the idea of dying so bad. i'm a fucking disaster and ik it won't get better for me. no matter how hard i try, i'm still going to be mentally and physically disabled. those things can't ever change. they are built into me. it hurts. it hurts so bad. but i like pain sometimes too. maybe i would like the pain of dying. although my death probably will be peaceful due to my SN and meto that is supposedly going to be getting here eventually idk.

i just finished cutting after getting drunk and having a great time with my bestie. even had a really great therapy sesh today. it really does never end. no matter how much fun i have, it's right back to the bell jar after the fun is over (real ones get that reference lol).

anyway!!!!! plz respond to any part of this whether it be by reaction or a comment idc!!!!! you don't have to but clearly i'm fucking addicted to attention! oh my god, just kill me lol holy shit. what a disaster of a person. it would be funny if it weren't so fucked up

 

[TBONTB]

Are you still drunk?

Being drunk might be keeping you stuck. Harder to get better, harder to make relationships, harder to CTB is alcohol gets in the way.

If alcohol is a big deal in your life it's super hard to give it up. But it might help

 

[woofwag]

Are you still drunk?

Being drunk might be keeping you stuck. Harder to get better, harder to make relationships, harder to CTB is alcohol gets in the way.

If alcohol is a big deal in your life it's super hard to give it up. But it might help

naw p much sober now, but i've been feeling like this every night for the past uuuhhhhhh idk how long lol it's been a lot of this for a while no matter if i'm sober or not. i really don't drink that much. just occasionally on the weekends. normally not enough to do anything

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I identify with all of the points here (except my suicidality only began at 10). Self-destruction is like a drug to me.

 

[woofwag]

I identify with all of the points here (except my suicidality only began at 10). Self-destruction is like a drug to me.

Yeah. I slept off all the alcohol, but I still feel the same way. Just so suicidal and wishing I had even more drugs to get fucked up on I hate that exploding my life feels so familiar and comforting in all the worst ways possible

 

[Vlad Tepes]

Yeah. I slept off all the alcohol, but I still feel the same way. Just so suicidal and wishing I had even more drugs to get fucked up on I hate that exploding my life feels so familiar and comforting in all the worst ways possible

Ive never taken drugs (cuz of my religious fundamentalist family, and also I have no money and dont know people who sell drugs). But yeah if circumstances were different id probably be a chronic alcoholic and addicted to several other kinds of drugs. Im an "addict" type person in general, if that makes any sense.