Story i really need to talk about what happened.

[Aleksandra]

i've posted a few times already and honestly, i have nothing to lose anymore. i just wanna write my story down and hope that someone, somewhere can relate and know i know how you feel.

i wasn't even meant to be born. my dad got my mum pregnant as she was a prostitute. he wanted me gone and my mum wanted to use me as a weapon to get him to marry her. mostly for money. so he took her back to his country (poland) and my life started there. my mum had an affair with a man whom then took me and her to the uk when i was barely 3.

as i got to around the age of 5 he started slapping me, prodding me, spitting on me. it only progressed to being beaten near every night. my dad was hardly in the picture because he was too busy getting high or shitfaced. when i turned 7 i was visiting him, i remember seeing a rope on the ceiling attached to a metal hook, he said in polish "sweetheart look over there, there's a present i hid for you in the cupboard". i remember running over, rummaging looking for it, i heard something drop. i turn around and my dad was jerking. dangling from the ceiling. i was frozen and it took me about 4 hours until i called the police. i was taken to some care facility where my mum picked me up. i couldn't leave the country for a little bit until it was all cleared up. home life wasn't so wonderful, i wasn't in school, i was constantly getting beaten and sexually assaulted by my step dad. i turned 14 and my mum had gotten a divorce with him and i was starting in school. i had no idea how to interact with anyone because i had never been around so many people. i was constantly flinching at any loud sounds or movements. i cried everytime a teacher shouted at me.

eventually i was thrown into counselling because they knew something wasn't right about me. i didn't even talk during my weekly sessions with my counsellor. i just cried for an entire hour. i would get home and my mum would tell me how much of a piece of shit i was, then moments after tells me that she loves me. i would just isolate myself in my bedroom for most days staring at walls. at around 16 my older brother moved into home with us because him and his ex wife were having issues. i was relatively close with him, i guess. i was about to finish school and start college. i got the grades i needed for sixth form and was told it was a lot better than school. one day my brother said "i'm just going to the bathroom for a long shower, use the downstairs toilet if you need. i said ok and ignored him after as i saw nothing of it.

about 7 hours passed and i was so immersed into my game i hadn't noticed time went by. i went to the bathroom and it was locked. i knocked and no answer. i left it. i went back an hour later, still locked, so i just got the key and opened it. my brother had pills all over the floor and was basically bathing in his own blood. my reaction was the same. i just froze. i didn't cry because the feeling was all so familiar. i said "mum, ______ is dead." she was distraught.

at this point i was on and off with the mental health services over the years. i was forced to see them and it was just useless. i was forced to do CBT, put on countless meds and yet i never spoke.

i started college in september 2016 and i had no friends. i remember in philosophy i became really attached to the tutor, he had some fatherly feels to him. i ate lunch alone in the toilets. as usual. one day i came into philosophy and i bursted out crying. to him at the end of the lesson and told him everything. he took me to the nurse and she told me to take as long as i needed off and to not worry about my classes. i got emails from both my sociology and chemistry teacher. they hadn't known then.

i stopped going to college after that, they didn't mind as long as i was talking with them. one day i called them and said "i don't want to go to college anymore" and so they put me on medical leave instead of "dropout".

i spent my time where i was meant to be in college in the woods, so my mum wouldn't be suspicious. my mum found out soon enough and screamed at me when i was in bed. told me i was a failure and i can't do anything right. i took an OD on codeine and walked out. i immediately called an ambulance because i got scared. i was hospitalised and had to be put on an iv and take liquid magnesium every so often. i had an RMN outside my room at all times. i started screaming for them to let me go. they just gave me diazepam and i passed out not too long later.

i was hospitalised for 2 weeks and put in a ward for 5 months. worst time of my life. this was because i had attempted about 8x before. eventually i got my diagnosis as to what's wrong with me and they admitted they gave me the wrong diagnosis on purpose. because of that i wasn't getting the correct treatment. go figure. i was 17 and i started going out and sleeping with random men on tinder, drank my nights with them in a hotel and lived like that.

i met my ex partner a few months after that. he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. because he understood me as he had the same conditions and loved me for what i was. after things became toxic when we moved in together he decided last month he couldn't love me anymore. i'm so used to that feeling but this one is different. i'm all alone again. i am tired, and i just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

if you have any similar experiences, i'm here and i say this to many people, for as long as i'm alive, i'll be here to talk as i don't want anyone to feel like they have to die alone.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through so much trauma.

 

[Aleksandra]

I'm so sorry. No one should have to go through so much trauma.

my therapist told me i didn't deserve it but trauma is what makes you who you are. i like to think i'm caring, and i probably wouldn't be this compassionate about other's if i didn't go through it. i guess my purpose in life until i go is to care for those who need it because i didn't get it. :)

 

[Worndown]

A lot of people on here appear to have had parents more focused on their own interests than those of their children. Nature, nurture or hit with a stick?
Not everyone should have children.

I hope you find kindred souls here and life is more tolerable.

 

[Aleksandra]

A lot of people on here appear to have had parents more focused on their own interests than those of their children. Nature, nurture or hit with a stick?
Not everyone should have children.

I hope you find kindred souls here and life is more tolerable.

definitely not. especially not to use as a weapon.

i've met some very caring people here and before here, i'm still deciding if what day next week i'll be gone, unless someone needs me on here, i'll postpone.

 

[Centerism]

Hey,
How you doing, honestly? I want you to know that I have been through some very similar situations. I was abused by my father, sexually and physically. He truly ruined me. Today I'm still so traumatized that I find myself obsessing over the fact that this shit actually happened to me. Like wow!!! Why do some people have the power to ruin anther person's life? Seriously, why??!?

I also lost my partner. I thought that since I've experienced loss so many times Ivey that I'd be used to it. But no, absolutely not. I felt as if I had lost everything. And there was no way out. It has truly scarred me in so many ways. I just have to remind myself that he is in a better place. RIP

I feel your pain. I really do. And I am so sorry you have gone through so much. I lovingly spread my arms to hug you and love you like most of us need. Just remember that no matter what we need to put ourselves first. Forget that other people don't understand us and don't care that we're hurting. Just make sure you put your feelings and decisions firstmost and foremost.

I love you. No matter what I'll be here for you. Message me if you wanna talk. I'm be your best friend and biggest supporter.

Don't let these moments fail you...

 

[Aleksandra]

Hey,
How you doing, honestly? I want you to know that I have been through some very similar situations. I was abused by my father, sexually and physically. He truly ruined me. Today I'm still so traumatized that I find myself obsessing over the fact that this shit actually happened to me. Like wow!!! Why do some people have the power to ruin anther person's life? Seriously, why??!?

I also lost my partner. I thought that since I've experienced loss so many times Ivey that I'd be used to it. But no, absolutely not. I felt as if I had lost everything. And there was no way out. It has truly scarred me in so many ways. I just have to remind myself that he is in a better place. RIP

I feel your pain. I really do. And I am so sorry you have gone through so much. I lovingly spread my arms to hug you and love you like most of us need. Just remember that no matter what we need to put ourselves first. Forget that other people don't understand us and don't care that we're hurting. Just make sure you put your feelings and decisions firstmost and foremost.

I love you. No matter what I'll be here for you. Message me if you wanna talk. I'm be your best friend and biggest supporter.

Don't let these moments fail you...

i don't feel okay but i guess it's alright to not be okay. however i'm just tired, and i'm more ready for death than i have ever been. i cant live like this much longer. i have no money for food let alone to even try to enjoy life. i'm about to be homeless too. so, just using my time under a roof to just be alone in a quiet room watching some youtube videos for a while, i guess

 

[Centerism]

i don't feel okay but i guess it's alright to not be okay. however i'm just tired, and i'm more ready for death than i have ever been. i cant live like this much longer. i have no money for food let alone to even try to enjoy life. i'm about to be homeless too. so, just using my time under a roof to just be alone in a quiet room watching some youtube videos for a while, i guess

Hey, it's alright not to feel ok. We all go through it. I feel for you though. Being ready to die is something I've felt for a very long time. I wad planning on ctb tonight. Butt I was love through the episode of pure panic I was going through. People like you fill me with passion. I just want to hug you and love you through your hardest of times.

I know how it is to be broke and homeless. I wad homeless for a few months. And I've lived in places where I was in the brink of eviction and had no money for anything. I had to panhandle just to eat. It scarred me. But it also made me stronger. And today, even though I want to ctb desperately. I will push forward and move on. All we can do is try to live as honestly as we can.

So what helps you the most? Anything?

 

[Righttodie]

I couldn't read more than hearing about being sexually abused. That triggers me.

I don't have much words other than to say I wish you didn't go through what you did and how awful it must have been for you. I am deeply sorry you had to suffer.

X

 

[Aleksandra]

I couldn't read more than hearing about being sexually abused. That triggers me.

I don't have much words other than to say I wish you didn't go through what you did and how awful it must have been for you. I am deeply sorry you had to suffer.

X

it's okay, i hope it didn't affect you too bad. :( i'm sorry for whatever you went through, i wish for you to pull through and feel better.

 

[Donewith_]

This is heart breaking. I am sorry you had gone through all that. It must have been terrible .. this is how life is..it throws any kind of shit at you and you have to deal with it..

I have gone through some traumatic things in my childhood.. it was difficult for me at that time.
Its good that you have got to meet a person who loved you.. i know its hard to move on from it..

And it makes you think that your whole life has come to an end.. and all the things you have gone through will have some impact on you.. and in the way you see things.. coz some traumatic things might trigger previous things.. and make it appear much more bigger.

If there is a possibility that you can move on from this .. and find a person who can understand you..
You think you can go through it?

 

[Aleksandra]

This is heart breaking. I am sorry you had gone through all that. It must have been terrible .. this is how life is..it throws any kind of shit at you and you have to deal with it..

I have gone through some traumatic things in my childhood.. it was difficult for me at that time.
Its good that you have got to meet a person who loved you.. i know its hard to move on from it..

And it makes you think that your whole life has come to an end.. and all the things you have gone through will have some impact on you.. and in the way you see things.. coz some traumatic things might trigger previous things.. and make it appear much more bigger.

If there is a possibility that you can move on from this .. and find a person who can understand you..
You think you can go through it?

it's not so much me ending my life because we didn't work out for now. he even said we can maybe try again in the future if we both recover and stay in contact as friends. i just can't bear the feeling of living anymore. even when i was with him i was still actively suicidal and trying to die. the trauma is too much and even after writing all that, it isn't even remotely close to my whole story. i went through therapy for years. so many psychiatrists and therapists had given up on me because i was very complex to work with and due to certain traumas, 3 of them told me it's very unlikely i would ever really truly recover. i still get days where i am half asleep and i hear a knock on my door. the other night i heard it, i heard it open and my brother's voice "do you want pizza?" and i just replied with "nah you're good" and then my heart dropped. i looked up and he wasn't there. i haven't had a night where i don't have vivid nightmares about my dad's suicide. the worst part was he was struggling and he looked like he regretted it. i cry every night, i did to my ex anyway. and i hate it when someone tells me i'm not trying hard enough to move on. i've done so many different therapies, with one and alone. i like life sometimes, the thought of not existing doesn't scare me but what's on the other side does. but this was a long time coming. my ex just made living a bit more bearable. but it's selfish of me to try and make him stay when he wants to have a future and career and i don't. too much has traumatised me and it's not even just emotional pain, it's been physically hurting for years too. i just want this to stop and honestly with all the effort i put in, disappointed is the lowest i can describe my "progress". i won't dismiss that i am better than i was 4 years ago in terms of behaviour but i can't and i don't want to deal with things that can't be fixed. like my psychosis. my dad was schizophrenic and i inherited the psychotic traits, my mum has bpd and because of that i developed it too. i was doomed from birth and i wish she had just aborted me. she told me everyday she should've and i just can't anymore. i'm simply done. i'm tired. if there was a machine where it could give you a clean slate i would give life another chance.
i'm just so sad because now i'm 19, everyone expects you to be an adult. i never even got to be a fucking child. i never had to grow up because i did it before i was even able to speak.

 

[who doesn't matter]

Some parts of your story relates to mine, like growing up way too early, best parents/companions in the world. I know the feeling when you run out of fuel by dragging your life forward all by yourself and the reward you get - another mile for you to drag it. For me, I know eventually I will lose all the strength I have, so , I must exit before that happens.

 

[Etherealdignity333]

God. I don't even know what to say.

Sending all the love.

 

[Donewith_]

it's not so much me ending my life because we didn't work out for now. he even said we can maybe try again in the future if we both recover and stay in contact as friends. i just can't bear the feeling of living anymore. even when i was with him i was still actively suicidal and trying to die. the trauma is too much and even after writing all that, it isn't even remotely close to my whole story. i went through therapy for years. so many psychiatrists and therapists had given up on me because i was very complex to work with and due to certain traumas, 3 of them told me it's very unlikely i would ever really truly recover. i still get days where i am half asleep and i hear a knock on my door. the other night i heard it, i heard it open and my brother's voice "do you want pizza?" and i just replied with "nah you're good" and then my heart dropped. i looked up and he wasn't there. i haven't had a night where i don't have vivid nightmares about my dad's suicide. the worst part was he was struggling and he looked like he regretted it. i cry every night, i did to my ex anyway. and i hate it when someone tells me i'm not trying hard enough to move on. i've done so many different therapies, with one and alone. i like life sometimes, the thought of not existing doesn't scare me but what's on the other side does. but this was a long time coming. my ex just made living a bit more bearable. but it's selfish of me to try and make him stay when he wants to have a future and career and i don't. too much has traumatised me and it's not even just emotional pain, it's been physically hurting for years too. i just want this to stop and honestly with all the effort i put in, disappointed is the lowest i can describe my "progress". i won't dismiss that i am better than i was 4 years ago in terms of behaviour but i can't and i don't want to deal with things that can't be fixed. like my psychosis. my dad was schizophrenic and i inherited the psychotic traits, my mum has bpd and because of that i developed it too. i was doomed from birth and i wish she had just aborted me. she told me everyday she should've and i just can't anymore. i'm simply done. i'm tired. if there was a machine where it could give you a clean slate i would give life another chance.
i'm just so sad because now i'm 19, everyone expects you to be an adult. i never even got to be a fucking child. i never had to grow up because i did it before i was even able to speak.

I am sorry.. i have no words.
I know how severe trauma..especially from the childhood can scar you for life.
I hope it gets a bit tolerable for you.

The things i have gone through in my life are a bit similar to this
My father is narcissistic.. and i have gone through emotional abandonment in my early childhood..at that time.. i knew that no one has got my back. I always felt alone.. like no one is there for me , cares for me. I knew that..when i get hurt or cry.. i cry fora long time till i get tired and just go on with the day usually.. and when i got bullied , got beaten by my bro and other kids..no one helped at that time.. my mom too.idk why. I knew that no one gives a shit about me.
I faced emotional abuse for a long time..physical abuse for some time.

The worst thing is.. i myself am emotionally shit.. and my dad just emotionally abuses everyone.. the first thing he does when he meet a person is.. he reminds them of something that they feel guilty about in their talk casually and makes them feel guilty. He is really good at manipulating with words..i know that. Many people suffered because of him and his actions.. some even cursed him and me too. He was emotionally abusive to my mom too..
I was unable to help my mom who was emotionally exhausted with all this abuse.. and i was unable to help her because i myself was broken down mentally from abuse at that time.. i failed as a daughter to help. I myself was hurting a lot and to see my mom crying because of the abuse.. and me not being able to do anything.. its a lot.
Sometimes.. i feel its not his fault entirely too.. its not that he enjoys it..its how he is as a person and how he was raised. But he can try to change. I myself am narcissistic to some extent..i know that.. i stop speaking or acting out when i feel like i am abusing people.
I wish i didn't have any connection with these traits.

Besides all this.. for me , its a bit different.. the things i have gone through have impact on me, my life.. but its me who has ruined my life with my decisions..it is what it is..things are unpredictable.. and somethings pile up over time..and lead to more shitty things. I cant go back anymore now. I am completely broken.
Actually, whenever i speak about my past things..i just speak endlessly..after a while i realise it will be of no use.. i am digging things up again..it leads nowhere. Coz nothing is gonna change now for me. I know i can't fix things.

But, you are more than welcome if you want to share things or just want to get things off your mind.

 

[Baskol1]

i've posted a few times already and honestly, i have nothing to lose anymore. i just wanna write my story down and hope that someone, somewhere can relate and know i know how you feel.

i wasn't even meant to be born. my dad got my mum pregnant as she was a prostitute. he wanted me gone and my mum wanted to use me as a weapon to get him to marry her. mostly for money. so he took her back to his country (poland) and my life started there. my mum had an affair with a man whom then took me and her to the uk when i was barely 3.

as i got to around the age of 5 he started slapping me, prodding me, spitting on me. it only progressed to being beaten near every night. my dad was hardly in the picture because he was too busy getting high or shitfaced. when i turned 7 i was visiting him, i remember seeing a rope on the ceiling attached to a metal hook, he said in polish "sweetheart look over there, there's a present i hid for you in the cupboard". i remember running over, rummaging looking for it, i heard something drop. i turn around and my dad was jerking. dangling from the ceiling. i was frozen and it took me about 4 hours until i called the police. i was taken to some care facility where my mum picked me up. i couldn't leave the country for a little bit until it was all cleared up. home life wasn't so wonderful, i wasn't in school, i was constantly getting beaten and sexually assaulted by my step dad. i turned 14 and my mum had gotten a divorce with him and i was starting in school. i had no idea how to interact with anyone because i had never been around so many people. i was constantly flinching at any loud sounds or movements. i cried everytime a teacher shouted at me.

eventually i was thrown into counselling because they knew something wasn't right about me. i didn't even talk during my weekly sessions with my counsellor. i just cried for an entire hour. i would get home and my mum would tell me how much of a piece of shit i was, then moments after tells me that she loves me. i would just isolate myself in my bedroom for most days staring at walls. at around 16 my older brother moved into home with us because him and his ex wife were having issues. i was relatively close with him, i guess. i was about to finish school and start college. i got the grades i needed for sixth form and was told it was a lot better than school. one day my brother said "i'm just going to the bathroom for a long shower, use the downstairs toilet if you need. i said ok and ignored him after as i saw nothing of it.

about 7 hours passed and i was so immersed into my game i hadn't noticed time went by. i went to the bathroom and it was locked. i knocked and no answer. i left it. i went back an hour later, still locked, so i just got the key and opened it. my brother had pills all over the floor and was basically bathing in his own blood. my reaction was the same. i just froze. i didn't cry because the feeling was all so familiar. i said "mum, ______ is dead." she was distraught.

at this point i was on and off with the mental health services over the years. i was forced to see them and it was just useless. i was forced to do CBT, put on countless meds and yet i never spoke.

i started college in september 2016 and i had no friends. i remember in philosophy i became really attached to the tutor, he had some fatherly feels to him. i ate lunch alone in the toilets. as usual. one day i came into philosophy and i bursted out crying. to him at the end of the lesson and told him everything. he took me to the nurse and she told me to take as long as i needed off and to not worry about my classes. i got emails from both my sociology and chemistry teacher. they hadn't known then.

i stopped going to college after that, they didn't mind as long as i was talking with them. one day i called them and said "i don't want to go to college anymore" and so they put me on medical leave instead of "dropout".

i spent my time where i was meant to be in college in the woods, so my mum wouldn't be suspicious. my mum found out soon enough and screamed at me when i was in bed. told me i was a failure and i can't do anything right. i took an OD on codeine and walked out. i immediately called an ambulance because i got scared. i was hospitalised and had to be put on an iv and take liquid magnesium every so often. i had an RMN outside my room at all times. i started screaming for them to let me go. they just gave me diazepam and i passed out not too long later.

i was hospitalised for 2 weeks and put in a ward for 5 months. worst time of my life. this was because i had attempted about 8x before. eventually i got my diagnosis as to what's wrong with me and they admitted they gave me the wrong diagnosis on purpose. because of that i wasn't getting the correct treatment. go figure. i was 17 and i started going out and sleeping with random men on tinder, drank my nights with them in a hotel and lived like that.

i met my ex partner a few months after that. he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. because he understood me as he had the same conditions and loved me for what i was. after things became toxic when we moved in together he decided last month he couldn't love me anymore. i'm so used to that feeling but this one is different. i'm all alone again. i am tired, and i just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

if you have any similar experiences, i'm here and i say this to many people, for as long as i'm alive, i'll be here to talk as i don't want anyone to feel like they have to die alone.

No wonder you are so fucked up, some people should not have children, never.

 

[Aleksandra]

No wonder you are so fucked up, some people should not have children, never.

yeah, no joke. why bring a child into life, only to fuck them up and make them suffer. it's not fair and its even worse when you don't get to choose to die. why shouldn't i get that choice? i never asked to be born this way.

 

[pole]

this post was extremely overwhelming for me. shed a tear and felt goosebumps and shivers across my arm reading this, and i haven't felt that reading any post for as long as i have been on this forum. just the thought that you're probably as young as me, and have gone through so much heartache and pain, i wish i could hug you right now, im so sorry. i just don't even wanna break down every event and sort of reread it, its just heartbreaking.

no one deserves this type of pain and trauma, no one; in no way shape or form would i inflict this type of pain and trauma onto those who have done me wrong. im sorry you were born into such a terrible situation. im sorry you went through such losses with you're brother, you're dad, and the loss of YOU. You lost yourself through all that psychological and emotional abuse you've endured and all you're trauma as a whole. im sorry that you're past has shaped you feel to the way you do now; alone, scared, just wanting for this nightmare to end.

sleep does just that for me. i fell asleep at around 7pm, woke up around 6am to this. and then i intend to sleep again for like 6 more hours. sleep is like an escape for me, a safe haven. even just now in my sleep, i felt so at peace; and i just didnt wanna wake up and the moment that i did, it just hit me, that im alive still.

ive held this view for so fucking long on this forum. but therapy is a HIT OR MISS. Really? blantantly tell you that oh you wont recover, you're just a person that they give up on? Fucking bullshit. you're a person. No, this trauma, these memories arent gonna be wiped out of you're mind completely till the end of life. But does that mean you cant be fixed and should be gived up on? literally horseshit. what about those who other individuals with extreme ptsd and trauma whom have found a way in supressing their memories and heartache and learned to function, to feel, to love, to enjoy life? what the hell makes them so different to you? nothing. you are them, you arent different. fuck those therapists. Like i said therapists from what iv read from so many peoples own stories are hits or misses. some have terrible experiences because they have a therapist who fails to understand and genuinly doesnt care, and some have great experiences because they have therapists who genuinly understand and care. we dont want a therapist telling us that we arent fixable, we have this and we have that, and this wont ever leave me?? we know were fucked up, its because we've gone through so much. all we want is someone to love us, HEAR US OUT, GENUINLY TAKE THEIR TIME TO UNDERSTAND US, ACCEPT US. thats what a therapist should've done, empathized and sympathized with you, made you feel comfortable, genuinly took the time to understand and want to understand you're pain, not just blatantly dismiss you, make you feel like there giving up on you by informing and openly just telling you such things. its bullshit. Therapists are suppose to be support systems for us; help us feel less trapped, alone, make us feel better, have someone whom understands us. some do, some dont. Theres people on this site who have found better support systems ON THIS VERY SITE than their own therapist. You've only had one true support system, and it was you're ex and he made you feel a way you've never felt, and he loved and accepted you and you did the same. but he gave uo on you, a true support system, whether it be a therapist, a BEST FRIEND (S) dont give up on you. he did. just like ur therapist did, and others in life. And you dont deserve to feel that way, let alone feel incapable of having a support system.

these tinder dates act as an escape for you; for just a temporary period of time in life, when you're with them, or far from you're environment, you for a second forget, and feel less alone, feel loved, you feel what you wish you could feel and dont feel what you wish you couldn't feel.

i just sometimes try my hardest to put myself in the shoes of someone else. and see what i'd do to maybe try and get better somehow and in someway. i know how badly you wanna ctb. You only live once, if i were you, id say screw it and just leave that environment, that place thats filled with so much negativity, trauma and heartbreak. leave, escape and go travel or go somewhere and start fresh, a place that might be of interest to you. You have absolutely nothing to lose. if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out and you have every right to do what you wanna do. perhaps give it a chance, you've been in this environment, this place for so long. and its just filled with so much darkness and negativity. Free yourself from this place and give yourself a chance to feel something different for once.

wish you find peace and happiness in life.

 

[woxihuanni]

i'm just so sad because now i'm 19, everyone expects you to be an adult. i never even got to be a fucking child. i never had to grow up because i did it before i was even able to speak.

I really think it is all what it boils down to for many of us. It is the most desolate feeling, not having been a child.

I remember watching little children playing by the pool where I worked a miserable job when I was younger. I was not jealous, just heartbroken. You just feel an outsider, an abomination for never having had that, and you cannot ever have it.

Until the moment you find someone who hushes you like a child. And then, of course, you lose them.

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

I'm really sorry for what you have been through.
Life sometimes turns into a nightmare. Why do some beings have to suffer like this.
It's beyond me...

 

[andy69]

it's not so much me ending my life because we didn't work out for now. he even said we can maybe try again in the future if we both recover and stay in contact as friends. i just can't bear the feeling of living anymore. even when i was with him i was still actively suicidal and trying to die. the trauma is too much and even after writing all that, it isn't even remotely close to my whole story. i went through therapy for years. so many psychiatrists and therapists had given up on me because i was very complex to work with and due to certain traumas, 3 of them told me it's very unlikely i would ever really truly recover. i still get days where i am half asleep and i hear a knock on my door. the other night i heard it, i heard it open and my brother's voice "do you want pizza?" and i just replied with "nah you're good" and then my heart dropped. i looked up and he wasn't there. i haven't had a night where i don't have vivid nightmares about my dad's suicide. the worst part was he was struggling and he looked like he regretted it. i cry every night, i did to my ex anyway. and i hate it when someone tells me i'm not trying hard enough to move on. i've done so many different therapies, with one and alone. i like life sometimes, the thought of not existing doesn't scare me but what's on the other side does. but this was a long time coming. my ex just made living a bit more bearable. but it's selfish of me to try and make him stay when he wants to have a future and career and i don't. too much has traumatised me and it's not even just emotional pain, it's been physically hurting for years too. i just want this to stop and honestly with all the effort i put in, disappointed is the lowest i can describe my "progress". i won't dismiss that i am better than i was 4 years ago in terms of behaviour but i can't and i don't want to deal with things that can't be fixed. like my psychosis. my dad was schizophrenic and i inherited the psychotic traits, my mum has bpd and because of that i developed it too. i was doomed from birth and i wish she had just aborted me. she told me everyday she should've and i just can't anymore. i'm simply done. i'm tired. if there was a machine where it could give you a clean slate i would give life another chance.
i'm just so sad because now i'm 19, everyone expects you to be an adult. i never even got to be a fucking child. i never had to grow up because i did it before i was even able to speak.

Sorry to hear about all the hardship you had to endure in your life. You sound like a really good person by wanting to help others even after all you have been through. I hope you can find some peace.

 

[Aleksandra]

Sorry to hear about all the hardship you had to endure in your life. You sound like a really good person by wanting to help others even after all you have been through. I hope you can find some peace.

i just want people to know they aren't alone. the feeling of loneliness is the main cause of death.