itsneverbeenmoreove
You are just my love
- May 21, 2024
- 78
My girlfriend of 8 years left me last month. On the same day she broke up with me, she stated dating a different person (they were on a date together when she texted me) who she had admitted several days earlier being attracted to after we had a discussion about her wanting to end our relationship. I certainly wasn't a perfect partner, but man has it turbocharged all of my problems. It was absolutely a mistake of me to check her social media, but it turns out she had been thinking about this for weeks beforehand, even as we were planning some significant future stuff. Also I had just taken her on an expensive vacation and during our discussion about breaking up she specified she waited until after our trip to bring it up, so that was "nice". And she told me that all of her friends hated me and thought I was abusing her.
Admittedly, she was only my 2nd girlfriend, but 8 years is almost all of my adult life. We had been through a lot together. And in the process of this break-up, some of the reasons he provided included him being much more attractive than me (and that she had stopped having sex with me because she hadn't found me attractive) and her belief that I had no future. There were also elements of her BPD and CPTSD that she said made it so that every fight we'd had weighed heavily on her constantly, but it's so hard to figure out what to believe about the whole situation.
Either way, I've been left without her, after she essentially convinced me to believe in soulmates (which I hadn't believed in before) and I also sacrificed my focus on education and career to maintain my relationship with her. And I bailed her out of credit card debt. And now she's going out with another person and I had the displeasure of seeing a professional photoshoot they did together the other week. And man, I wasn't able to stop myself from looking at the posts and I know social media isn't an accurate representation of people's actual life, but she seems far happier with him than she ever was with me.
The thing is, I can't bring myself to be angry at her. I am just way too in love with her to blame her or be really angry, even though she owes me money and broke up me in a really painful way, and probably cheated on me. I know that I was to blame for a lot of the problems, and I don't know why I took everything for granted. Maybe it was because she was constantly assuring me that yes, she still loved me, no, she didn't think I was a horrible partner, yes, she found me attractive, yes, she believed in me, and then she tells me that she was lying about that. So I blame myself entirely and regret everything I did.
I've been pretty fortunate in life and having a very loving and supportive family, but I put everything into my relationship with her and I don't really have anything else. Even my parents couldn't come up with any accomplishments I'd had it my life besides previously having a successful long term relationship with her and graduating high school. I don't really have any skills or education and I've been battling depression and shit for most of my life, and considering she was basically the driving factor in me trying to go back to school and stuff, I've found myself much more inclined to CTB than any time before.
Honestly, there's so much more to it, my thoughts are so very complicated and in some cases kind of deranged, but I at least am clear on not having done anything worthwhile with my life except be with her. Also, we had a massive google photo album of all of our pet pictures from the past 8 years that she blocked me from and so I don't have any of those now. So uhhhh, that sucks.
On top of that, it feels really embarrassing to have this be the thing that pushes me to stop struggling with everything. Like, I can't shake the perception that it's pathetic of me to be feeling this way. I just can't respect my own feelings on this. Yeah I've wasted most of my adult life, I've had a vast number of my insecurities about my body and my personality, and many of my worst fears have come true, but I know that I'm supposed to "get over it" eventually.
Should I feel like I'm cringe for feeling this way? I haven't fully committed to anything yet, but after having been such a burden on my loved ones for so long, having so many failures, having so many problems, and now this?
Admittedly, she was only my 2nd girlfriend, but 8 years is almost all of my adult life. We had been through a lot together. And in the process of this break-up, some of the reasons he provided included him being much more attractive than me (and that she had stopped having sex with me because she hadn't found me attractive) and her belief that I had no future. There were also elements of her BPD and CPTSD that she said made it so that every fight we'd had weighed heavily on her constantly, but it's so hard to figure out what to believe about the whole situation.
Either way, I've been left without her, after she essentially convinced me to believe in soulmates (which I hadn't believed in before) and I also sacrificed my focus on education and career to maintain my relationship with her. And I bailed her out of credit card debt. And now she's going out with another person and I had the displeasure of seeing a professional photoshoot they did together the other week. And man, I wasn't able to stop myself from looking at the posts and I know social media isn't an accurate representation of people's actual life, but she seems far happier with him than she ever was with me.
The thing is, I can't bring myself to be angry at her. I am just way too in love with her to blame her or be really angry, even though she owes me money and broke up me in a really painful way, and probably cheated on me. I know that I was to blame for a lot of the problems, and I don't know why I took everything for granted. Maybe it was because she was constantly assuring me that yes, she still loved me, no, she didn't think I was a horrible partner, yes, she found me attractive, yes, she believed in me, and then she tells me that she was lying about that. So I blame myself entirely and regret everything I did.
I've been pretty fortunate in life and having a very loving and supportive family, but I put everything into my relationship with her and I don't really have anything else. Even my parents couldn't come up with any accomplishments I'd had it my life besides previously having a successful long term relationship with her and graduating high school. I don't really have any skills or education and I've been battling depression and shit for most of my life, and considering she was basically the driving factor in me trying to go back to school and stuff, I've found myself much more inclined to CTB than any time before.
Honestly, there's so much more to it, my thoughts are so very complicated and in some cases kind of deranged, but I at least am clear on not having done anything worthwhile with my life except be with her. Also, we had a massive google photo album of all of our pet pictures from the past 8 years that she blocked me from and so I don't have any of those now. So uhhhh, that sucks.
On top of that, it feels really embarrassing to have this be the thing that pushes me to stop struggling with everything. Like, I can't shake the perception that it's pathetic of me to be feeling this way. I just can't respect my own feelings on this. Yeah I've wasted most of my adult life, I've had a vast number of my insecurities about my body and my personality, and many of my worst fears have come true, but I know that I'm supposed to "get over it" eventually.
Should I feel like I'm cringe for feeling this way? I haven't fully committed to anything yet, but after having been such a burden on my loved ones for so long, having so many failures, having so many problems, and now this?
