I'm sorry. You don't deserve this gruesome, horrid pain you have gone through. Is there room for reconciliation? I really hope you can get some sleep and comfort. You've probably tried hot water bottles right and a long pillow to hug. Sorry for the advice. Wishing you the best, love. <3
thank you, i hope there's a chance for reconciliation, but I really don't know. we both have bpd and things have been getting worse between us for a while. we can't even have a conversation anymore without both of us being worried we're gonna be yelled at. on top of that we're not technically dating, they've been playing hot and cold and leading me on with half answers for 8 months. and now we're in a lease together.
i do have a body pillow, and sometimes it helps. last night my cat fell asleep on my chest so I was able to sleep, but she usually sleeps in my roommate's room.
Hi I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this at such a young. The cruelty of others is astonishing but you are a warrior to have made it this far and we are here for you and understand. You can vent as much as you want to try to let things out instead of leaving it bottled up inside.
Have you ever had a pet? Maybe you could get a dog, they are the best company, they love you unconditionally, never judge you and they will never leave your side, the love they give you is Incredible. I think it could help.
thank you <3 i got an account on here a few days ago and so far it has been nice having a place to vent without getting the same 5 regurgitated answers that reddit gives when anyone vents, and not having the details of my sexual abuse censored.
i have 2 cats, they're both really affectionate, one of my babies fell asleep on my chest last night and helped me sleep.
I can only imagine the exhaustion you must be feeling through all of this, I'm so sorry bun :( it sounds as though the act of being alone before bed reopens all of the prior excruciating traumas you've endured and convinces your brain it'll happen again. You must feel run down after existing in the system and facing constant threats
I understand that fear, being on overdrive from ptsd, the wreckage it does and the sleep deprivation.
I'm sorry that you've been alone since that conflict, would you like to talk more about what happened during it, and what your relationship is like with them?
Its small, but when alone + s/a ptsd I've tried warming a hot water bottle, sock with rice or a warmie plushie to emulate being held.
Lots of love, stay safe
i was able to spend this past friday-sunday at my partner's house (i'm poly), but they get very anxious about having people in their house for a long time, so i went home yesterday night.
(im so sorry for the novel) as far as the conflict and mine and their relationship, me and her met in the end of march while i was with my ex/old fp, me and my ex broke up in a really really ugly way and she helped me through that, and the self hate that i was feeling afterwards. she kept me alive and was there for me every second that i needed her.
during the summer, my two roommates who i had paid entirely to move across the country to me (because they were trans, poc, homeless, and one of them were pregnant), left with no word in the middle of the night and blocked me everywhere, they also stole some of my electronics. after they left, she moved in with me (august) because her lease was ending and mine was ending in a few months. (we didn't have to pay rent bc my abuser was paying for the apartment as a grooming tactic so i took advantage of it).
before she moved in with me, i had told her about my feelings for her, and about how if we got closer emotionally she would become my fp. she said she didn't want to start a relationship with someone who she was relying on for housing, but over the next few months we talked more and she just kept saying that "once we have the time, money, and energy, we will progress our relationship".
if october her partner moved in with us because they had been kicked out by their family and were homeless, trans, and a poc in texas. bad situation, so she paid for them to come here. after they got here, she all but stopped being interested in me sexually. we've done anything together like that twice since they moved here. i won't go into it, but it makes me feel almost worthless. i've been seen as a sex object my whole life, so when she doesn't want me it makes me feel like shit, i don't know how to explain it. she's allowed to not want me, i just wish we could have a conversation about it without her dodging me. i just want her to tell me so i'm not anxious about wanting to try so she doesn't forget me.
at the end of october we got a one year lease together at a new place, so now, no matter what happens with our relationship, i'll be trapped here with them for a year.
through this whole thing, since we moved in together, she's been extremely hot and cold. very sweet and caring and attentive for a week or so, then cold, distant, and blowing me off for the next 2 or 3 weeks.
the conflict that spurred her sleeping in her room started last sunday. i'll call her R and my partner F. F found out i was suicidal, and the way i started that conversation (i was trying to say goodbye, i was going to ctb the next day) was telling F that for the past 2 years since i got my cat, she's kept me alive because of her disability. i know that no one would want to deal with her. but a few days before that, R told me that if anything happened to me, she'd take care of my cat. F immediately knew what i was trying to say, and we talked for 4 hours. the next day (the 1st), F told R that she was stupid for taking away one of a suicidal's person's few reasons for living, and went on for a few sentences about it. R just said "but i love (cats name)" and went back to their room. they didn't care at all.
the next day (the 2nd), i was getting ready to ctb, and R and her partner got up out of bed at 2am. i didn't want to be found too soon so i decided to postpone my plan. i went to R's room and we ended up talking about the day before. as soon as i brought it up she got really mad and started posturing at me. i asked if she knew what they were trying to say, and she said yea. she was mad at them for telling her about me being suicidal because "it was a holiday, in her house, and they were about to leave, and she has a lot going on right now and that was too much to put on her plate". during that argument aswell, she said she talked to other people with bpd, and said that i blame things on my bpd that aren't caused by bpd (i have quiet bpd, which is a rarer subtype, my symptoms do not look the same), and that when i have an episode and say awful things, i'm making a choice to do that. that hurt so fucking bad. one of my big reasons for ctbing is how much i hurt others without meaning to. i feel like an awful person for the things i say, i feel the guilt in my chest. she said unless i'm having a manic episode (bpd DOES NOT cause manic episodes, i love the culture of self diagnosis) i shouldn't be doing that. to make those moments a choice, it would take years of therapy. i was able to do that for my physical outbursts, but i don't have the same resources anymore. or the energy to keep going to therapy for years all for the chance of relapse to still be very real if i even manage to go into remission.
i left that night and went to my partner's house for 2 nights. they work together and while they were at work she told them that she's suicidal. so now i'm trying to continue being nice to her, but also not giving in to her hot and cold cycle that she's trying to keep me in. she's given me head rubs a couple times, but i'm not just going to give in unless she's able to have an adult conversation. when i came home from my partner's house after that all her pillows were out of my room.
