Venting I really feel the urge to CBT tonight

[roju]

Since my main chronic ailment started last year (which is my main reason why I want CBT) my relationship with my bf (6 years of relationship) has become hell. Up and downs, ups and downs everytime.

We had never fought before, until my illness started.

He loves me and he has endured a year by my side after my accident, but after my recurring autolytic ideas and my endless suicidal mood, tonight, a few minutes ago, he told me via chat: "I do not want more dramas in my life, no more sadness and no more bad things, I do not want it."

And then he proceeded to block my number. Without prior notice.

At the beginning I was shocked. Scared. Mad.

And right after, while I was still holding the mobile, I felt a very powerful internal heat, a very evil and powerful internal force telling me to kill myself tonight.

I really feel the urge to go to a hotel and do it right now. This feeling is HUGE.

But I know that rash and impulsive attempts, without a meticulous planning often go wrong.

I have been crying for two hours trying to decide what I was going to do, fighting my true inner urges to get into the car with my SN and Meto and kill myself. But I knew that without the necessary planning it would not go well. Or is it just a lie that I tell myself because I can't do it? Because I am not prepared and I am a coward?

I have taken 2 ½ Zolpidems and 2 Lorazepam, because I am in freaking panick. I want to kill myself so bad and I feel so mad with this person... I think he betrayed me, leave me blocked when I was telling him that I was having a great crisis. Is this normal? I know he has put up with a lot but this is not the best time to push me away and blocked me. I was in the middle of a crisis explaining how bad I felt.

I just want to go out and take that SN. But I have not done fasting or taken Meto hours before. This is horrible. I can't even breathe.

I wanted him to get away from my life so that I wouldn't hurt him much when I leave this world. In fact I asked him to leave me. But now that he is really gone, and in this way... I feel a lot of sadness and I feel stuck. I want CBT but I don't know if I'm ready. I feel trapped here.

I don't know what to do right now.

PD. Sorry because english is not my mother language.

 

[rikamonie]

im so sorry ): i understand your feeling in some ways because my girlfriend of 2 years suddenly blocked me everywhere when i was feeling in crisis and talking about my feelings, i think you should try to breathe, try to get some rest i know its so hard to do right now because of everything going on in your mind, but it's possible he will regret what hes done and come back when he realises, so its important to try and not make impulsive decision so soon incase, take time to plan these things <3 sending you hugs

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey luv...First, breathe..

While I am in a very "low" state right now in my relationship, I have also played the role of the person on the other end, the person dealing with someone with multiple crises..I can tell u that it can def wear u thin..

Just give him a minute to gather his thoughts. I agree, his timing for blocking u was a bit cruel, but self-preservation is also important and necessary for him..

Don't do anything rash right now! Wait and see how long it takes for him to reach out to u. I think he just needs some time..

In the meantime, take care of YOU.

 

[roju]

Oh my god, this is my first thread on the forum and I didn't expect such a level of understanding, support and mutual help. Your messages are really very sweet, caring, supportive and kind. So thank you so much to both of you.

I'm still in a massive panick atack. I am criying like crazy in the pillow and I can't sleep (it's very late in my country). I think I am going mad. I have huge urges to go out my room, leaving my house and walking in the street at night. But it also scares me a lot.

I have no one to talk to. This may sound irrational but right now I feel so much hatred towards my partner, I hate him for being so egotistical and doing this to myself. Leave me in this state.

I want to cry loud, I want to hit myself hard.

On the other hand, @Lostandfound7 thank you so much for portrait the other side of the coin, showing us what it's like to played the role of the person on the other end of the couple. However, I don't think he will come back to me latter. Tomorrow morning I will still be blocked by him and he will be gone. Maybe forever.

I don't think he will regret what he's done and definitely I don't think he will come back...

I'm in pieces.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Oh my god, this is my first thread on the forum and I didn't expect such a level of understanding, support and mutual help. Your messages are really very sweet, caring, supportive and kind. So thank you so much to both of you.

I'm still in a massive panick atack. I am criying like crazy in the pillow and I can't sleep (it's very late in my country). I think I am going mad. I have huge urges to go out my room, leaving my house and walking in the street at night. But it also scares me a lot.

I have no one to talk to. This may sound irrational but right now I feel so much hatred towards my partner, I hate him for being so egotistical and doing this to myself. Leave me in this state.

I want to cry loud, I want to hit myself hard.

On the other hand, @Lostandfound7 thank you so much for portrait the other side of the coin, showing us what it's like to played the role of the person on the other end of the couple. However, I don't think he will come back to me latter. Tomorrow morning I will still be blocked by him and he will be gone. Maybe forever.

I don't think he will regret what he's done and definitely I don't think he will come back...

I'm in pieces.

Your welcome, honey♡

Take it ez..Chances are, after being together for 6 yrs, it must b quite difficult for him also..

Call me stupid or optimistic, but I can almost bet that u will hear from him again..maybe sooner than u think....

Plz keep us posted♡

 

[rikamonie]

Oh my god, this is my first thread on the forum and I didn't expect such a level of understanding, support and mutual help. Your messages are really very sweet, caring, supportive and kind. So thank you so much to both of you.

I'm still in a massive panick atack. I am criying like crazy in the pillow and I can't sleep (it's very late in my country). I think I am going mad. I have huge urges to go out my room, leaving my house and walking in the street at night. But it also scares me a lot.

I have no one to talk to. This may sound irrational but right now I feel so much hatred towards my partner, I hate him for being so egotistical and doing this to myself. Leave me in this state.

I want to cry loud, I want to hit myself hard.

On the other hand, @Lostandfound7 thank you so much for portrait the other side of the coin, showing us what it's like to played the role of the person on the other end of the couple. However, I don't think he will come back to me latter. Tomorrow morning I will still be blocked by him and he will be gone. Maybe forever.

I don't think he will regret what he's done and definitely I don't think he will come back...

I'm in pieces.

i agree with lostandfound, his feelings wont have disappeared after a 6 year relationship it probably feels like that but give it some time just to be sure