most of my life I have been depressed and suicidal. I never had any friends growing up (or now). let alone being in a relationship. and my life just seems to get worse and worse over time.
when I was a teenager I developed severe psoriasis all over my body, and no medicine has ever been able to help it. making me feel horrible and look horrible. well lucky me, cause then ~18yo I also developed rheumatoid arthritis in all of my joints and to this day (26yo) no medicine has been able to help me even slightly.
I struggled in college, I was a CS major at first but really struggled and dropped out, but my parents convinced me to go back and do accounting just to have a job. years later I finished and got a bachelors, major in accounting and minor in finance, 40k in debt, but it's obviously worth it because a job is almost guaranteed... well it's not, more than a year later and 3000+ applications put out and I only had 2 interviews and no acceptances.
still with arthritis I am now working a physically demanding job stocking shelves with heavy things.
but... there is one more thing I didn't mention, the one thing that makes it such that a happy life can never be achieved, no matter what I do.
I have gender dysphoria. growing up I always kinda knew something was going on, feeling uncomfortable as a boy, wishing to grow up to be a woman.
going through puberty hating how I masculinized and feeling deep despair whenever someone complimented how masculine I looked or how deep my voice was.
dissociating almost constantly, where it feels like I'm out of body and (best analogy I can come up with, doing photography) feels like I'm experiencing everything looking through a camera lens. but sometimes even more extreme things like distortion of the size and distance of objects, some things looking over double their usual size.
I would have maladaptive daydreaming too, about living as a woman, or reimagining memories, like going on vacation, but as a woman. nothing too remarkable, but it just felt "right".
even growing up and at work when a teenager a couple of times, having long hair, I'd mistakenly be called for with ma'am/miss, and it just felt natural, like someone saw me for who I was, but I felt I had to hide how it made me felt. my parents were always really bigoted, and enforced gender roles on me really strongly, I was always fearful since an early age to share how I felt at all.
it wasn't until after I dropped out of CS did I actually find out about transitioning, after reading a story of a trans person, I knew what I had felt my whole life. it all made sense. how I would keep people away from me, for fear of them learning of how I felt, never even being able to conceive of being in a relationship since someone seeing me as a man was the worst thing I could imagine, and how I would dissociate almost constantly, ruining my memory and making learning (like calc 2 (my biggest issue)) near impossible.
but even worse, I figured it out too late, I found out when I was too old, and too masculinized. I could probably continue living on, if I could transition and actually live as a woman, but my body is so far gone that no amount of hrt, or ffs (facial feminization surgery) could help me. not that I can afford them with my low paying job. but if I actually had a chance, I would have found a way to make it work even with the bad pay. but sadly that chance has passed me.
and now, knowing my greatest struggle I have been trying to control since I was a child, doesn't have any solution now that I was too stupid to realize and now too old to do anything about.
I just can't see myself living much longer.
the reasons people give to keep living; family, friends, partners, wealth, happiness, health, etc.
I have none of that, and what's more, I don't even have myself, not being able to look in the mirror, hating every moment that I speak, barely even human.
I have talked to many people about this, and come to realize there are usually only 2 responses, people who agree with my assessment that death might be the preferable option, and those who say that I shouldn't do it because suicide is inherently wrong.
it's a shame that my life has come to this, but I truly believe death is the best option, when all roads ahead are negative, the neutral option of death seems the most attractive.
when I was a teenager I developed severe psoriasis all over my body, and no medicine has ever been able to help it. making me feel horrible and look horrible. well lucky me, cause then ~18yo I also developed rheumatoid arthritis in all of my joints and to this day (26yo) no medicine has been able to help me even slightly.
I struggled in college, I was a CS major at first but really struggled and dropped out, but my parents convinced me to go back and do accounting just to have a job. years later I finished and got a bachelors, major in accounting and minor in finance, 40k in debt, but it's obviously worth it because a job is almost guaranteed... well it's not, more than a year later and 3000+ applications put out and I only had 2 interviews and no acceptances.
still with arthritis I am now working a physically demanding job stocking shelves with heavy things.
but... there is one more thing I didn't mention, the one thing that makes it such that a happy life can never be achieved, no matter what I do.
I have gender dysphoria. growing up I always kinda knew something was going on, feeling uncomfortable as a boy, wishing to grow up to be a woman.
going through puberty hating how I masculinized and feeling deep despair whenever someone complimented how masculine I looked or how deep my voice was.
dissociating almost constantly, where it feels like I'm out of body and (best analogy I can come up with, doing photography) feels like I'm experiencing everything looking through a camera lens. but sometimes even more extreme things like distortion of the size and distance of objects, some things looking over double their usual size.
I would have maladaptive daydreaming too, about living as a woman, or reimagining memories, like going on vacation, but as a woman. nothing too remarkable, but it just felt "right".
even growing up and at work when a teenager a couple of times, having long hair, I'd mistakenly be called for with ma'am/miss, and it just felt natural, like someone saw me for who I was, but I felt I had to hide how it made me felt. my parents were always really bigoted, and enforced gender roles on me really strongly, I was always fearful since an early age to share how I felt at all.
it wasn't until after I dropped out of CS did I actually find out about transitioning, after reading a story of a trans person, I knew what I had felt my whole life. it all made sense. how I would keep people away from me, for fear of them learning of how I felt, never even being able to conceive of being in a relationship since someone seeing me as a man was the worst thing I could imagine, and how I would dissociate almost constantly, ruining my memory and making learning (like calc 2 (my biggest issue)) near impossible.
but even worse, I figured it out too late, I found out when I was too old, and too masculinized. I could probably continue living on, if I could transition and actually live as a woman, but my body is so far gone that no amount of hrt, or ffs (facial feminization surgery) could help me. not that I can afford them with my low paying job. but if I actually had a chance, I would have found a way to make it work even with the bad pay. but sadly that chance has passed me.
and now, knowing my greatest struggle I have been trying to control since I was a child, doesn't have any solution now that I was too stupid to realize and now too old to do anything about.
I just can't see myself living much longer.
the reasons people give to keep living; family, friends, partners, wealth, happiness, health, etc.
I have none of that, and what's more, I don't even have myself, not being able to look in the mirror, hating every moment that I speak, barely even human.
I have talked to many people about this, and come to realize there are usually only 2 responses, people who agree with my assessment that death might be the preferable option, and those who say that I shouldn't do it because suicide is inherently wrong.
it's a shame that my life has come to this, but I truly believe death is the best option, when all roads ahead are negative, the neutral option of death seems the most attractive.
