Venting I really don’t know what to do anymore.

[Stroopwafel.]

I'm completely lost. I've never been so confused in my life before. The last few weeks have been TERRIBLE.

I lost one of the most important people in my life, my support worker. She did some really weird shit, I never ever imagined her to do. I mean it's just like I'm back in the mental health care all over again. Things go worse with me and people tell me 'fuck that now I wanna see you less because I have no fucking idea what to do with you anymore' it happend so many times in my life now, but never ever before were those people even close to important to me. So I was like 'alright fuck you too, I'm out of here'
But this time it really breaks my heart, I'm seriously devastated. I loved my support worker so much and I never thought she would so sometimes like this to me. I just can't believe what she did.

The system is so broken and people keep punishing ME for it. I can't do this anymore. I've been SO extremely confused in the past few days. I really don't know what happend to me. I keep walking away from home because I can't stand it anymore. I walk away in the rain, in my pyjamas, I'm just so lost. I want it to STOP. I want life to be over. In the past few weeks I've heard a lot of people say 'we can't help you' 'nope, there's no place you can go' I know all of this for many years now, please stop repeating that to me.

When I walk away I just try do decide if it's worth it to end it all NOW and jump in front of a train. But before I can even make that decision they pick me up and bring me back home. I know I don't wanna end it this way, but I've never felt like this before and I seriously think I can't do this for many more days. I just want peace right now. I can't think clearly, I'm just yelling or crying almost 24/7 and my parents go insane because of it. I lost ALL my self control and it fucking scares me. I don't feel like myself anymore. Whenever I'm not trying to walk away I scream, cry, of lay on the floor for hours and hours.

I'm the one who decided to stop everything with my support worker, because it just hurts too much. But it doesn't mean I want it to be this way. What I really want is things to go back to 'normal', to how they were. I already felt extremely bad back then, but now I'm just completely lost??

I just want it all to stop. As soon as possible but it scares me that I don't even care about HOW it ends anymore. I just want to leave this damn world so bad. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I feel like a stranger in my own house. I lose track of time, days. I don't even know where I am when I walk around in the woods. The woods where I came since I was a kid. Every time I feel like it's the first time I visit those woods when I walk around.

I am slowly losing all my self control and it's fucking scary to experience that tbh. I don't know what will happend in the next few days or weeks.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That sounds so awful. You must feel so lost and abandoned. I know how that feels, when everyone gives up on you because you're just not getting better. Ironically that's when you need more help not less.
In that situation I've tried to appear to others as if I'm coping better so they can deal with me better but it's unbelievably hard to pull that off when you're actually worse.
Can you get another support worker? Is there any chance you can get your old one back?

 

[Stroopwafel.]

That sounds so awful. You must feel so lost and abandoned. I know how that feels, when everyone gives up on you because you're just not getting better. Ironically that's when you need more help not less.
In that situation I've tried to appear to others as if I'm coping better so they can deal with me better but it's unbelievably hard to pull that off when you're actually worse.
Can you get another support worker? Is there any chance you can get your old one back?

Yes it's definitely an awful feeling. And that's exactly what I said: it goes worse and I get LESS help, like how the heck does that work? This happend ALL the time.
Do you say to someone with cancer: 'well, things are getting worse, now I will come less to help you' nope no one would ever said that, but when it's something with you mental health it's just normal to do things like this.

I can not help the fact that the system is completely broken and I won't get any help, please do not punish me for that, it already feels bad enough.

My current (old? Idk at the moment) support worker isn't completely gone yet, they are still in contact with my parents, and my parents wanna give them one last chance next week. My parents are suffering a lot as well from this, but those damn people just refuse to listen to any of us. They think they know better. They say they do think this will be 'good' for me, and I asked for an explanation about 10 times already, but I still don't have an answer on how this is good. They just have this extremely frustrating 'we know everything better attitude' and they never ever had that before. I don't know where it's coming from?? I'm so confused. Tbh I don't think things will become fine again at this point. Next week will probably be the last week. And even if things will be sorted out, I completely lost my faith and trust in them and I don't see how that can ever be fixed.

I can not get a new support worker in this situation because I'm doing 'too bad' but at this point I don't really care about that anymore. I know for a long time now that it's over for me. I just liked talking to my support worker even though it did not make me better. I could just vent to her and I felt save with her.

I'm so sorry stuff like this happend to you before. It's just so sad how YOU are blamed and getting punished in this world for not getting better.