I realized a lot of my depression stems from the way I've been treated by others, and it's not my fault

[tiredplant777]

So the other day I did only 200 mg of mushrooms. I thought it would be mild but it actually hit me really hard which I didn't expect. All of this numbness and hopelessness and apathy and feeling like life has no purpose for me felt like a wall that was removed, and behind this wall was just a whole bunch of pain from being treated like shit over and over again. It was like my very being couldn't handle it anymore, so I or it was just shutting down over and over again to the point where I stopped being able to feel good things. The lack of compassion I was receiving from others was messing me up so badly and it made it so I flat out can't trust anyone. The 'small' ways people treated me poorly seemed to carry the same weight as the really bad ways, mostly because they are or feel inherently interconnected. It was a relief to know that I am not crazy and that there isn't something innately wrong with me, and that what is wrong is when people treat me and others badly and act in selfish ways. It was so painful though, I know it was a very low dose, but all that pain was so unbearable I could hardly handle it. I left a close friend some messages just so I could talk about what I was feeling. The main thing I got from this is that the ways I've been abused mean that I can't tolerate things like betrayal or lack of compassion. I had a friend give me shit for locking the door while I was home alone, despite knowing my history of serious trauma, and this came up a lot because it ended up being the last straw for me in a really fundamental way. It's hard because I feel like there is so much messaging to be able to heal on our own, and get over things on our own, but I realized as long as I'm around people who don't make an effort to have empathy towards me I'm basically screwed. I get that these people are just behaving out of their own ignorance and life experiences and they are not bad for not being able to have empathy towards me, but their behaviour has definitely impacted me in super negative ways and there is just no getting around that. Since feeling all of that pain I have been feeling better, not totally better, but I do feel more alive. I also feel a bit less resentful over all. I may do another very low dose after finding this process helpful. I'm also seriously reconsidering my relationships with others, I've been doing this anyway, but now that I see the harm I carry from some of these people's behaviours towards me, even if it's unintentional, I think it's better to part ways with them or really really minimize my expectations of them if they remain in my life. Even any one read this thanks, it's just me working through all of this.

 

[whatevs]

On one hand this is bad news, because the more people I meet the worse opinion I have about what it means to be human. So you have discovered that you have always been more compassionate, sensitive and noble than most people, yep, you're screwed.

On the other you shone a light on the actual problems you are facing, so you can concentrate on the solutions.

What's the solution to being this way? Become a successful artist or intellectual and live in an ivory tower, carefully controlling what enters in your fragile ecosystem? Because if you don't, you will have to put up with normal people everyday, and they fucking suck. There is a reason why they let themselves be masked up, locked up and branded. Humans are scum, and if you aren't scum I'll contend that you aren't even human, but an anomaly.

 

[timf]

A person may be hit by a car through no fault of their own. The injuries may not ever heal completely, but there is usually some degree of therapeutic rehabilitation that can be achieved.

There are people who are unkind. It is up to each of us to make assessments to either identify and avoid them or having encountered them to withdraw. Drug use to sooth painful encounters is understandable. However, there is a danger that being soothed can inhibit corrective changes and actually compound a problem.

 

[Rabhen]

So the other day I did only 200 mg of mushrooms. I thought it would be mild but it actually hit me really hard which I didn't expect. All of this numbness and hopelessness and apathy and feeling like life has no purpose for me felt like a wall that was removed, and behind this wall was just a whole bunch of pain from being treated like shit over and over again. It was like my very being couldn't handle it anymore, so I or it was just shutting down over and over again to the point where I stopped being able to feel good things. The lack of compassion I was receiving from others was messing me up so badly and it made it so I flat out can't trust anyone. The 'small' ways people treated me poorly seemed to carry the same weight as the really bad ways, mostly because they are or feel inherently interconnected. It was a relief to know that I am not crazy and that there isn't something innately wrong with me, and that what is wrong is when people treat me and others badly and act in selfish ways. It was so painful though, I know it was a very low dose, but all that pain was so unbearable I could hardly handle it. I left a close friend some messages just so I could talk about what I was feeling. The main thing I got from this is that the ways I've been abused mean that I can't tolerate things like betrayal or lack of compassion. I had a friend give me shit for locking the door while I was home alone, despite knowing my history of serious trauma, and this came up a lot because it ended up being the last straw for me in a really fundamental way. It's hard because I feel like there is so much messaging to be able to heal on our own, and get over things on our own, but I realized as long as I'm around people who don't make an effort to have empathy towards me I'm basically screwed. I get that these people are just behaving out of their own ignorance and life experiences and they are not bad for not being able to have empathy towards me, but their behaviour has definitely impacted me in super negative ways and there is just no getting around that. Since feeling all of that pain I have been feeling better, not totally better, but I do feel more alive. I also feel a bit less resentful over all. I may do another very low dose after finding this process helpful. I'm also seriously reconsidering my relationships with others, I've been doing this anyway, but now that I see the harm I carry from some of these people's behaviours towards me, even if it's unintentional, I think it's better to part ways with them or really really minimize my expectations of them if they remain in my life. Even any one read this thanks, it's just me working through all of this.

My mother used to say..."You are not paranoid if they are really after you." and "It's hard to sore like and eagle when you are surrounded by a bunch of turkeys." Then she would turn and insist that I MUST have done something first to make so and so do that me. Nope, not a soul could simply be picking on me, it always HAD to start by the fact I must have been picking on them, instigating them to treat me how they have treated me. Very confusing to a child that simply stands there and looks, watching the others play, not trying to join in, not trying to get a single toy, just standing there because I was told to go outside and make friends. Had no idea what making friends meant, still don't by the way, don't think friends actually exist after 58 years, whatever, don't understand how standing there watching precipitated that I was cajoling or picking on or instigating to be shoved down to the ground, rocks and road gravel thrown into my eyes and being told to get out of here, nobody likes you and nobody wants you around, but yep mom, I MUST have started it. I still stand in the corner when I go anywhere, why is it ok for others to be wall flowers? Seen them, they stand there, just like me, just like I always have, not talking to anyone, just watching, keeping to themselves, they do not get shoved, or hit, or slapped, or pointed at and laughed at or told they don't belong and to get out. I have had this happen to me all my life and almost every single setting I have been in. I had to go shopping last night and was in a constant state of panic, surrounded and trapped in aisles with young college guys looking at me funny like I disgust them, yeah, I am staying at home.

 

[KimKevorkian]

My mother used to say..."You are not paranoid if they are really after you." and "It's hard to sore like and eagle when you are surrounded by a bunch of turkeys." Then she would turn and insist that I MUST have done something first to make so and so do that me. Nope, not a soul could simply be picking on me, it always HAD to start by the fact I must have been picking on them, instigating them to treat me how they have treated me. Very confusing to a child that simply stands there and looks, watching the others play, not trying to join in, not trying to get a single toy, just standing there because I was told to go outside and make friends. Had no idea what making friends meant, still don't by the way, don't think friends actually exist after 58 years, whatever, don't understand how standing there watching precipitated that I was cajoling or picking on or instigating to be shoved down to the ground, rocks and road gravel thrown into my eyes and being told to get out of here, nobody likes you and nobody wants you around, but yep mom, I MUST have started it. I still stand in the corner when I go anywhere, why is it ok for others to be wall flowers? Seen them, they stand there, just like me, just like I always have, not talking to anyone, just watching, keeping to themselves, they do not get shoved, or hit, or slapped, or pointed at and laughed at or told they don't belong and to get out. I have had this happen to me all my life and almost every single setting I have been in. I had to go shopping last night and was in a constant state of panic, surrounded and trapped in aisles with young college guys looking at me funny like I disgust them, yeah, I am staying at home.

I'm so sorry this member is no longer with us. This a terrifying traumatic childhood. Bullying is goddamn terrorism. I still remember one or two kids sitting on top of me and my arms. One of the kids take out a needle ot a pin and starts to put it close to my eye. I'm screaming for help. The teacher is sitting close by on the playground, but not doing a damn thing. I can see the needle get closer and closer and now so fucking close I'm beyond terrified. Luckily a teacher came over and the kid simply got off me, but no punishment and teacher didn't listen to me that this kid had just done this to me. It was then I came face to face with a psychopath and shattered my innocence. Endured years of school bullying, physical. Kept on even after schooling days were over. Hence my revenge fantasies as strong as they are. Suicide without revenge first? How could I live with myself?
Your recollections brought this back for me, I feel for you and am so sorry you had to endure others' evil natures. I hope the line across your name doesn't represent that you left permanently, though I understand why. Why are people so evil at times? And why are so many seemingly lacking in any sort of compassion. Maybe we are distant felatives of fish and are multicellular animals capable of crilliant art and inspiration, but unless we evelove the empathy gene, we're not fully human imo. Natural selection might explain why the violent genesxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (sorry, fell asleep--I bore even myself. haha)

 

[WadeingThru]

Natural selection might explain why the violent genes

Good insight. I never thought of that.

 

[CameronFrye]

First of all, I'm really glad you attempted a shroom trip and had a positive result. They really are an incredibly amazing tool for better understanding ourselves and the world around us better and it's really unfortunate governments (and big pharma lobbyists) prevent them from being used as a legal form of treatment.

As for how others treated you it's awful and you didn't deserve that. You, me, and many members of this forum have suffered immensely from the way we have been treated by others. And our schools and communities have failed us by allowing this to not only happen but be so prevalent. Its clear that this treatment by others has compounded to have effects I'm not sure any of us are fully aware of, but feel everyday. I often wonder how different things would be if instead of the poor treatment I received, I instead received love, acceptance, and support. Would I still be depressed and suicidal? I can't say for sure but I'd for certain not feel as bad. At least it would make everything else much easier to deal with. And maybe I'd even be a completely different person for the better that would be unrecognizable to my current self who had experiences and accomplishments I can only dream of.

I like to have some hope it's possible to heal from this. I don't think the pain will ever fully go away, but I hope to find a sense of peace here. Shroom trips are definitely a start, as they help to analyze things from a different perspective and understand them better. Good therapy has the potential to help as well. Maybe if I finally find the people who love, accept, and support me I can regain my faith in others and truly begin to heal. I'm not sure exactly how or if I can ever fully understand the impact of how I was treated, and if I can ever heal and find peace from it. But it's worth trying.

 

[KimKevorkian]

Good insight. I never thought of that.

We share the same amount of DNA with both chimps and bonobos. Chimps rape, kill, gang attack/murder, and will eat your face off--all on a good day. Bonobos are known to be gentle, empathetic, peace-seeking, community centered, and engaging in shameless displays of masturbatory delight, and orgiastic gatherings (at least the few I knew from college). I think the more shitty people are, the more they descend and share DNA with the chimp strain, and vice versa for the more humane people sharing more of the bonobo genes (just don't stain the couch--and don't your hands ever cramp? Sheesh)

 

[20ClownRules]

You know, that's a good observation...
Knowing what the root of the problem might be... That's a genuinely good skill to have; and I'm happy that you were the one to find it out.