Venting I push my friends away from me

[jellymomo]

I'm so fucking socially awkward, i talk way too much, im annoying, and weird. I wish i was normal I wish i wasn't neurodivergent. I feel so selfish for saying that "I don't have friends" when I do but most of the time I don't even feel like they're my friends, just people I talk to. Most of the time I'm alone trying to reach out to them but I talk too much so i end up annoying them so they ignore me.

I can make the most perfect friends for me and ruin it by being so off-putting and annoying. I don't know when to stop talking or to start talking. I know my friends are so exhausted by me but i genuinely can't help it and don't know what to do at this point. I want to isolate myself forfuckingever. I want to die so they can feel bad for how they make me feel. It's such a sick thought that I think of everyday I just can't do this anymore

 

[parasite_eve]

Autisitc, adhd, ptsd here, lfielong maker and loser of friends; always feel out of sync, on a diff channel, detatched from what seems to come so naturually to normies socially. Some have lasted longer and maybe I could have reshaped myself enough to make them work... my jaded exp doesn't have to be yours though.

Wishing you better and truer friends <3

 

[lli_lvr]

You're much too hard on yourself, and I think you've gotten yourself involved with the wrong people if you feel so badly about yourself. That isn't a normal way to feel in friendships or relationships.

Social interaction has never come naturally to me, but I can tell you right now; If you have people who care about you, who are actually "perfect" for you, they aren't going to be tired of you. Especially not for something as stupid as "talking too much" or being "off-putting". Have you ever tried talking to your friends, to ask for some sort of reassurance? Whenever I catch myself unmasking a little too much around friends, I ask them if they're comfortable. I ask about boundaries. It makes for a good friendship that both parties can be content with.

I will say that your friends don't seem to be "the most perfect" for you. I hope you find some people that allow you to feel comfortable with yourself. It sounds like torture.

 

[human909]

i'm also social awkward and it's also ruining my relationship with my friends.

 

[jellymomo]

Have you ever tried talking to your friends, to ask for some sort of reassurance? Whenever I catch myself unmasking a little too much around friends, I ask them if they're comfortable. I ask about boundaries. It makes for a good friendship that both parties can be content with.

I can try asking them, but it's pretty awkward especially when talking about boundaries and feelings idk but i'll def ask

They're neurodivergent like me but i guess they're more "normal" than me or they probably hate me. i need new friends atp

 

[anagram]

It took me a long time to figure out that I'm fundamentally incompatible with most people.

I think there was just something psychologically wrong with me from the get go. Perhaps an error in my gene codes. I can't socialise nor connect or relate to anyone irl. I'm a social retard and everyone catches on.

I learned to stop talking irl because nobody would listen anyway. I spent years in pain trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I found peace in accepting the truth and drowning in it. I can't change the hand I was dealt

Those fantasies about how I thought my life would be like it all came crashing down. Forced to confront a drab, flavourless life without any fulfilment nor contentment.

I live a pseudo existence. I'm a dead end. I'm at least thankful that suicide is a possibility because I want out.

 

[lli_lvr]

I can try asking them, but it's pretty awkward especially when talking about boundaries and feelings idk but i'll def ask

They're neurodivergent like me but i guess they're more "normal" than me or they probably hate me. i need new friends atp

I understand how it could feel awkward, but I do think that this is important; You'll finally find out if you should cut your friends off, or if they're people who can benefit you and make you feel comfortable. If you need somebody to talk to or a friend, I'll be here. I wish you luck with your friends.

 

[InboxRain292]

I feel like this too; " I want to die so they can feel bad for how they make me feel": same - I have very little amount of people I consider as potentially friends as well. Maybe distance from them for a while, until you "decide" if those friends are ones who would uplift and motivate/inspire you, or not.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I was always the 'weird one' because I talked passionately about things I've loved and had a very loving character and relationship to how I embraced my inner world and how it motivated to have calmness early in life. I don't have social awkwardness, but I know how it feels as I felt with trauma from an early age that I had to codepend on people in my early tweens being emotionally stuck, always crying, and they never hated me for it, but I did myself, because I couldn't belong in their circle, and I knew that and I was tongue tied due to learning disabilities regarding both speech and social interactions that even being around people felt like a core and I always felt I had to play it a little too hard to who I was, and it was hard, as when I was embracing change slowly, I was still hated on, and until I grew up and saw how difficultly challenging it was for me in the world, with those principles I had set out for myself, my true character and identity was manipulated thinking I was a lot to deal with, when I was just a scared, lonely, girl removing all that had harmed me, wanting better for myself, and still worried because the emotions and feelings I felt, even though I had grew to grow from my stuttering had made me still felt I had to pretend because I was desperate.

I'm trying to say we aren't at fault for what has happened to us or for what we have encountered because even though I never had these, I relate through my use of social anxiety because people suck, and I never had anxiety before and people just assume I am anxious when I really am just tired and needing my space or uncomfortable around people, even as an introvert who is social and revolves around energizing from how I interpersonally feel that my space is the only thing by that I require in this world, and when you shared how you struggle with your awkwardness, it reminds me of times when I felt I was in the same space, especially not wanting to be around people a lot, but that's not true for you…

You haven't had a true friend to give you a chance at embracing yourself and allowing you to grow, and people have hurt you and damaged you beyond repair, and I am truly sorry for how no one seems to truly understand people beneath their struggles or what they lack in to help them grow and succeed, and I truly want you to know you may struggle now, but once you find that something that gives you confidence, it allows you to embark and embrace true love and gives you room to grow.

Don't even think about perfecting your social skills, embrace who you are first, and it will come.