notadaisy
already wilted
- Feb 7, 2023
- 75
hi, i just feel like venting today cause it feels too much and heavy for me right now. i apologize if this is gonna be a long post. i just want to scream then burst and my organs all fly away. im in a depressive state where it's hard for me to do anything. getting up of bed is too much to do, i can't even do the basic things someone needs like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, or going to the restroom. i eat one meal a day or sometimes nothing at all. i don't have any motivation to do anything and it feels like everything is falling apart. im all aware of my action and it's fucking me up and my life again, cause i am a fucked up person. it has been like this for years, there are times where i think i am already "recovering/getting better" but it all falls apart once again. i am diagnosed with major depression and a generalized anxiety disorder. i have social anxiety too, and had an ED. but i feel like it more than that. i think i might have undiagnosed bpd which i suspect of myself for years now and maybe might be neurodivergent. mental healthcare is almost non-existent in where i am. my sessions with the psychiatrist stops from time to time, no one cares anyway. im broke and still a student. have repeated a school year. im a failure. no one understands. even my family if i try to explain i to them, i have a broken family which gave most part of my traumas. im just with my relatives.. im not close to anyone at all. everyone is shit. i feel alone. i have to grow up fast when i was a kid. nothing was good for me, and ive just been through harsh times most of my life as i am here the suffering feels like it never ends. ive had suicidal thoughts since i was 6. i have attempted for quite a few times now. everything seems pointless, and i have no hopes in getting better or having a happy life.. for everything to be alright. it doesn't get better. i feel so sick inside me of me. i cant even express myself emotionally in person now and haven't cried for a long time. im just getting numb and hurting. i want want someone to see me and know how much in pain i am, and for them to know how much it sucks and understand me. i am thankful that i am in this community. suicide is in my head 24/7 no matter what i do nothing can distract me. i want to die. im very useless and cant be a productive part of this society. there are much plenty reasons for me to be gone than to keep going. i am fucking tired. there is no soul left in me, got all sucked out.