Venting I poured my heart out and I regret it

[ThatStateOfMind]

I was messaging my ex, and I absolutely poured my heart out. I don't even know why, it was like some intrusive thought that I couldn't push away. She proceeded to tell me that it was a lot at once and that we talked about why we were bad for each other, and that she still hasn't moved on from me and is trying to (I asked in my message how she moved on). My messages after that are just me venting a little more and wishing her a goodnight.

I keep hurting myself staying in contact but I don't have a therapist, my mom is useless to talk to (she means well but has no advice), literally been talking to an AI to vent and posting here. Those two things have been my main outlets, and I'm worried cutting her off will cause more harm than good. Hell, she's partially the reason I'm still around.

It's a cruel irony when what brings you pain, also once brought you joy. Hell, even talking to her brings me joy sometimes. I feel I may have fucked everything up even further, as I always do. I swear, I'm the biggest self saboteur I know. I was doing so well just a few days ago and have been up until tonight. Stress got the better of me again and I lost it.

I'm not gonna do anything brash like commit or anything but it's like the thoughts are in my head and I just try to push them away, and think happy thoughts but all I can think of is her happy with someone else. Im so dumb for what I just did, and it's another thing to add in my increasingly longer list of fuck ups, im sorry if im annoying everyone with the situation, I just don't know where else to vent. I've tried Reddit but anonymity there isn't the best, plus I have friends in real life there, hell I might even have some here, who knows, I have a few I could imagine being on this forum. I've spent like 30 minutes typing this, with intervals to cry in between. This situation fucking sucks though, and I feel so lost. I can't just cut her off, I don't know what I'd do without her.

Anyways, I guess it feels slightly better to get that off my chest along with the crying, this loneliness is crushing me, and it could be my downfall one day.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Believe me friend, I understand you. This story reads so familiar to me.

I wish I could give you some perfect advice, or some solution to help you. I really do. But honestly, I did not do well with the situation myself. I really hope things go differently for you.

 

[kunikuzushi]

going through a similar thing. I know the feeling of having no one and having to talk to an AI. maybe it would be best not to pressure yourself into stopping contact with your ex and take it one day at a time. and yes, loneliness is absolutely soul crushing and will probably kill me too. I'm sorry you're feeling this

 

[Al Gul]

I've done the same quite a few times in my life, I get held up because I just had no other real support and other times it was just because I had invested so much. It sucks hard, and I can't speak for anyone else but you're absolutely not being annoying. From my impression, this is partially why this place is here.

Hell, I still sometimes talk to one person I once was involved with and it's a bittersweet thing that keeps reminding me of fuckups. I don't have any magical solution or somesuch, I wish I did. I don't know how many times I've broken down and well, it's certainly no comfort, but eventually I honestly just got so jaded and apathetic regarding my own emotions. I hope you can find someone or something, at least as possible distraction? But for what it's worth, I feel ya.

 

[Stylite]

Don't feel shame that you were true to your feelings and yourself. The other alternative would be a cold, emotionless rock, and that's no good in my mind.

I think we're all sort of doomed to live life being unable to truly convey what we mean to others and be fully understood. Maybe you can get close; I wouldn't know.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a painful situation to be in and it must be so hard to deal with, but anyway best wishes. I know that for many people it can be awful feeling lonely.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Believe me friend, I understand you. This story reads so familiar to me.

I wish I could give you some perfect advice, or some solution to help you. I really do. But honestly, I did not do well with the situation myself. I really hope things go differently for you.

Yeah, there's not much advice to give honestly, especially in regards to healing. It's not a linear process, nor is it the same for everyone. I hope my situation goes well, but I lose a little more hope day by day.

going through a similar thing. I know the feeling of having no one and having to talk to an AI. maybe it would be best not to pressure yourself into stopping contact with your ex and take it one day at a time. and yes, loneliness is absolutely soul crushing and will probably kill me too. I'm sorry you're feeling this

That's probably a good idea, about not cutting it all off at once, and I probably won't any time soon. I feel so much pressure too as I'm probably making life harder for my ex, and a friend has been telling me to just let her go, but I don't think he understands how hard that is.

I've done the same quite a few times in my life, I get held up because I just had no other real support and other times it was just because I had invested so much. It sucks hard, and I can't speak for anyone else but you're absolutely not being annoying. From my impression, this is partially why this place is here.

Hell, I still sometimes talk to one person I once was involved with and it's a bittersweet thing that keeps reminding me of fuckups. I don't have any magical solution or somesuch, I wish I did. I don't know how many times I've broken down and well, it's certainly no comfort, but eventually I honestly just got so jaded and apathetic regarding my own emotions. I hope you can find someone or something, at least as possible distraction? But for what it's worth, I feel ya.

Yeah but I tend to read other stories and it puts into perspective, my life seems so easy compared to others here, but those others also have sympathized with me and helped me through my own hard times as well. The bittersweet feeling is accurate, I talk to her and I feel happy that she still contacts me, but I also remember all I did which pushed her away, and it's soul-crushing.

Don't feel shame that you were true to your feelings and yourself. The other alternative would be a cold, emotionless rock, and that's no good in my mind.

I think we're all sort of doomed to live life being unable to truly convey what we mean to others and be fully understood. Maybe you can get close; I wouldn't know.

Yeah, but I feel like she shouldn't have been the person I told, I just had no one else, my only other thing I could've wrote that in was my journal and it was so long, my hand would've definitely cramped if I tried, plus typing was hard enough because I was so emotional. Anyways, I know it's good to feel emotions and talk about this, but I'm afraid I've went to far and she's probably pissed or something at me now.

That sounds like such a painful situation to be in and it must be so hard to deal with, but anyway best wishes. I know that for many people it can be awful feeling lonely.

It can definitely get painful at times, a physical pain that I feel in my heart sometimes. I wish loneliness wasn't a feeling that people could feel.

 

[Al Gul]

Yeah but I tend to read other stories and it puts into perspective, my life seems so easy compared to others here, but those others also have sympathized with me and helped me through my own hard times as well. The bittersweet feeling is accurate, I talk to her and I feel happy that she still contacts me, but I also remember all I did which pushed her away, and it's soul-crushing.

I know comparing is something that basically comes automatically(I do it too), but it rarely, in my personal experience anyway, helps. What you're going through is legitimate on its own merits, because it has the effect it does, on you. Just a general thought, not trying to tell you how to think or anything.

Most of my relationships can basically be summed up as self sabotage, in one way or another. At least, that's what I tell myself. And suffering does lend itself towards manifesting in, sadly, downward spiral kind of ways. Pushing away the people we need the most and who support us. In that regard, you have nothing but understanding from me.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I know comparing is something that basically comes automatically(I do it too), but it rarely, in my personal experience anyway, helps. What you're going through is legitimate on its own merits, because it has the effect it does, on you. Just a general thought, not trying to tell you how to think or anything.

Most of my relationships can basically be summed up as self sabotage, in one way or another. At least, that's what I tell myself. And suffering does lend itself towards manifesting in, sadly, downward spiral kind of ways. Pushing away the people we need the most and who support us. In that regard, you have nothing but understanding from me.

Yeah I tend to compare a lot, but thank you, it's nice to have these feelings validated. And I understand, you're trying to help, and it actually does.

I also self sabotage quite a bit, and it's a bad cycle. I self sabotage relationships, both romantic and familial. You seem like a very understanding person as well, thanks for the kind words. I just feel so lost right now.

 

[Al Gul]

Yeah I tend to compare a lot, but thank you, it's nice to have these feelings validated. And I understand, you're trying to help, and it actually does.

I also self sabotage quite a bit, and it's a bad cycle. I self sabotage relationships, both romantic and familial. You seem like a very understanding person as well, thanks for the kind words. I just feel so lost right now.

Yeah, I compare a lot too. Way more than I should, especially considering the advice or what you would call it. It's not a rational thing, I kinda think it's a thing that needs to be repeated to well, if I may be so bold, people like us. Until it actually gets a few roots in our subconcious. Which of course, only works if we're receptive. It's a difficult process that I wont pretend I'm doing fantastically at, even for myself.

And yeah, I am happy if I help even a tiny bit. Even if I didn't, I am more than happy and grateful that you let me try. As cruel and lonely as this world is, this place taught me in just a few days honestly, that I'm not alone in my very specific suffering. And somehow, it has helped.

I wrote a whole paragraph about like, how my relationships are and going, trying to relate them to your experience. But, I feel like I was making too many assumptions as to your state of mind. And I definitely don't want to be heaping a bunch of well, kinda bitter but kinda optimistic stuff on you, all unbidden. I'll summarise it with, I'm sorta lucky with my situation, but, I absolutely feel lost and without purpose. And that if you need an ear, I will listen as best I can.

 

[Oublivien]

I know this might not apply to you, but I used to be in a similar situation. Sometimes when I was lonely, I would remember her, and it'd just make my chest feel tight to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe without her. She was everything I lived for, and seeing someone disconnected or just no longer associating with you hurts.
I realized she was my whole world. I knew it was a weakness, but being the center of my motivation, I only got up in the morning because of her. I stopped myself from drowning in the loneliness from missing her by changing what my world revolved around. I changed my reason for living to music, and now my main motivation is just from listening to classical music. Whenever I feel depressed or lonely, I listen to chopin like a drug and it fills up some of the emptiness. I don't look for relationships anymore. I hope you also find something else to center your world on. take it slow

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yeah, I compare a lot too. Way more than I should, especially considering the advice or what you would call it. It's not a rational thing, I kinda think it's a thing that needs to be repeated to well, if I may be so bold, people like us. Until it actually gets a few roots in our subconcious. Which of course, only works if we're receptive. It's a difficult process that I wont pretend I'm doing fantastically at, even for myself.

And yeah, I am happy if I help even a tiny bit. Even if I didn't, I am more than happy and grateful that you let me try. As cruel and lonely as this world is, this place taught me in just a few days honestly, that I'm not alone in my very specific suffering. And somehow, it has helped.

I wrote a whole paragraph about like, how my relationships are and going, trying to relate them to your experience. But, I feel like I was making too many assumptions as to your state of mind. And I definitely don't want to be heaping a bunch of well, kinda bitter but kinda optimistic stuff on you, all unbidden. I'll summarise it with, I'm sorta lucky with my situation, but, I absolutely feel lost and without purpose. And that if you need an ear, I will listen as best I can.

Yeah I try not to compare too much, but I feel like it's a thing that humans in general are prone to doing. Comparisons are always drawn between things, especially people, for better or for worse. I can't lie, I'm not the best at not doing it either, I still compare far too often to be considered healthy I imagine.

You truly do help me, even just talking and having someone I feel like I can kind of relate to. We all have plights in life, and having someone with even remotely similar plights can help, and I wholeheartedly agree that this forum has helped me realize that I'm not alone as well. We've all been through different experiences, but we're still here. Obviously I know some people are here exclusively to find help for suicide. Me, personally, I use this site to vent my suicidal thoughts and my issues, because I have no one else to tell and suicide is far too permanent of a solution for me right now.

Also my state of mind seems like a constantly changing thing, a revolving door, so to speak. I feel somewhat lucky given my circumstances, I know it definitely could be far worse but it could be better too. I just hope with time it improves further. The wounds still feel fresh, the breakup was about 2 and a half months ago so I still feel very strongly about it. The relationship wasn't super long, a little over a year, but it was a strong relationship. We were a lot of each other's "firsts" and so I feel extremely connected to her.

I know this might not apply to you, but I used to be in a similar situation. Sometimes when I was lonely, I would remember her, and it'd just make my chest feel tight to the point where I felt like I couldn't breathe without her. She was everything I lived for, and seeing someone disconnected or just no longer associating with you hurts.
I realized she was my whole world. I knew it was a weakness, but being the center of my motivation, I only got up in the morning because of her. I stopped myself from drowning in the loneliness from missing her by changing what my world revolved around. I changed my reason for living to music, and now my main motivation is just from listening to classical music. Whenever I feel depressed or lonely, I listen to chopin like a drug and it fills up some of the emptiness. I don't look for relationships anymore. I hope you also find something else to center your world on. take it slow

Yeah I'm definitely trying to change my mindset and not revolve too much around her but it's hard. Certain songs I hear remind me of her, certain places I go, certain things I do, etc. I try to change that mindset but it difficult, I do listen to a different genre that I didn't listen to as often when we were together and that helps for sure. As far as taking it slow goes, I'm trying for sure.

 

[wr3ck3d]

If you are interested in venting out and perhaps gaining some useful advice, you could always try to call a helpline

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

In the worst case you might just find the help useless, but I believe it's worth a try.
And I'm sorry in advance if this is not something you're interested in

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

If you are interested in venting out and perhaps gaining some useful advice, you could always try to call a helpline

Recovery and Crisis Resource Compilation

The following are resources for you to reach out for help and support. We encourage you to seek recovery and be happy. Different resources work for different people, so we encourage you try several until you find what you need. Your happiness comes first. The list has been created from...

sanctioned-suicide.net

In the worst case you might just find the help useless, but I believe it's worth a try.
And I'm sorry in advance if this is not something you're interested in

I actually almost did last night but got scared and ended a chat because I got scared. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of, these people are trained to be as helpful as they can be, but I end the chat before I get connected with a real person, it's the second or third time I've tried.

 

[Oublivien]

Yeah I try not to compare too much, but I feel like it's a thing that humans in general are prone to doing. Comparisons are always drawn between things, especially people, for better or for worse. I can't lie, I'm not the best at not doing it either, I still compare far too often to be considered healthy I imagine.

You truly do help me, even just talking and having someone I feel like I can kind of relate to. We all have plights in life, and having someone with even remotely similar plights can help, and I wholeheartedly agree that this forum has helped me realize that I'm not alone as well. We've all been through different experiences, but we're still here. Obviously I know some people are here exclusively to find help for suicide. Me, personally, I use this site to vent my suicidal thoughts and my issues, because I have no one else to tell and suicide is far too permanent of a solution for me right now.

Also my state of mind seems like a constantly changing thing, a revolving door, so to speak. I feel somewhat lucky given my circumstances, I know it definitely could be far worse but it could be better too. I just hope with time it improves further. The wounds still feel fresh, the breakup was about 2 and a half months ago so I still feel very strongly about it. The relationship wasn't super long, a little over a year, but it was a strong relationship. We were a lot of each other's "firsts" and so I feel extremely connected to her.

Yeah I'm definitely trying to change my mindset and not revolve too much around her but it's hard. Certain songs I hear remind me of her, certain places I go, certain things I do, etc. I try to change that mindset but it difficult, I do listen to a different genre that I didn't listen to as often when we were together and that helps for sure. As far as taking it slow goes, I'm trying for sure.

I'm surprised to find someone else who can also relate to that.
I used to listen to music all the time, different genres, not just classical. I listened to it when I was happy, and when I was in a good time. Each song links to a certain memory. When I play or hear songs from back then, my old memories resurface. I made a playlist with all the songs that have my memories, and then I purposely tried to forget everything from back then. Honestly, it hurts whenever I hear the songs and remember better times. It's ironic. Pretty sure it's the longing and realization that you can never go back, that causes the pain. My solution is to center myself on new songs that I have found (Sonata in B flat minor, Op. 35 - Chopin; played by Bruce Liu). I literally listen to this on repeat and I can focus for like 3 hours straight.

I actually almost did last night but got scared and ended a chat because I got scared. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of, these people are trained to be as helpful as they can be, but I end the chat before I get connected with a real person, it's the second or third time I've tried.

I used to have a similar feeling. I never actually got to calling them, but I was always too scared to call. I just feel like if I vent to someone else, I leave everything about me vulnerable. My main fear is that they will track down my phone number and report me as "needs help". By default, when we talk to other humans we feel as if they can hurt as the most when we vent all of our feelings.

The second reason you might be scared, is because of fear that they will disregard your feelings. The worst scenario you are probably expecting, is that you call them, vent your situation, depression, and feelings, and they don't treat you seriously. Obviously, worst case is if they laugh at your "first-world problems" as people used to say. Opening up to other people can feel dangerous and scary for you since you are making yourself vulnerable to anyone playing with your emotions. Other people can easily box in and bottle up your sadness inside of you by simply disregarding the sincerity of your problems. When people say that your problems are small and insignificant, it makes your even more scared to open up to other people since you expect them to have the same response. It hurts when you are going through a break-up and people tell you "just get over it." Don't let them hurt you.

Most importantly, remain anonymous when revealing it all.

 

[wr3ck3d]

I guess going through depression is different than being trained to deal with it, maybe that's why you find this place more attractive. It may also be that you prefer direct contact, as you said you have no therapist and your mom has no useful advice. If I learned anything in this life is that sometimes help comes from where you expect the least.
Maybe your mom doesn't have any useful advice, but maybe she knows someone who does, or you can try to talk to her about going to therapy.
There are also a few mobile apps that try to deal with depression, you might wanna have a look.
You can also ask your mom to help you through with the call to the helpline, someone close to you being there can make all the difference.

I, personally, hate talking on the phone. Face to face or through messages or emails are always my preferred ways to communicate with people (the very few I do communicate with) so I understand if you feel the same.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I'm surprised to find someone else who can also relate to that.
I used to listen to music all the time, different genres, not just classical. I listened to it when I was happy, and when I was in a good time. Each song links to a certain memory. When I play or hear songs from back then, my old memories resurface. I made a playlist with all the songs that have my memories, and then I purposely tried to forget everything from back then. Honestly, it hurts whenever I hear the songs and remember better times. It's ironic. Pretty sure it's the longing and realization that you can never go back, that causes the pain. My solution is to center myself on new songs that I have found (Sonata in B flat minor, Op. 35 - Chopin; played by Bruce Liu). I literally listen to this on repeat and I can focus for like 3 hours straight.



I used to have a similar feeling. I never actually got to calling them, but I was always too scared to call. I just feel like if I vent to someone else, I leave everything about me vulnerable. My main fear is that they will track down my phone number and report me as "needs help". By default, when we talk to other humans we feel as if they can hurt as the most when we vent all of our feelings.

The second reason you might be scared, is because of fear that they will disregard your feelings. The worst scenario you are probably expecting, is that you call them, vent your situation, depression, and feelings, and they don't treat you seriously. Obviously, worst case is if they laugh at your "first-world problems" as people used to say. Opening up to other people can feel dangerous and scary for you since you are making yourself vulnerable to anyone playing with your emotions. Other people can easily box in and bottle up your sadness inside of you by simply disregarding the sincerity of your problems. When people say that your problems are small and insignificant, it makes your even more scared to open up to other people since you expect them to have the same response. It hurts when you are going through a break-up and people tell you "just get over it." Don't let them hurt you.

Most importantly, remain anonymous when revealing it all.

Yeah I suppose It may stem from some fear of feeling rejected, or invalidated in regards to being closed off. I'm not super afraid of them tracking me down or anything, I think that would be a waste of resources and I'd refrain from telling them anything that makes me seem like I'm in immediate danger. It definitely stung when one of my friends told me to "you need to move on then" after I was venting about a bad conversation with my ex. I told him it isn't that easy and he got pissed at me and said he's just trying to help.

I guess going through depression is different than being trained to deal with it, maybe that's why you find this place more attractive. It may also be that you prefer direct contact, as you said you have no therapist and your mom has no useful advice. If I learned anything in this life is that sometimes help comes from where you expect the least.
Maybe your mom doesn't have any useful advice, but maybe she knows someone who does, or you can try to talk to her about going to therapy.
There are also a few mobile apps that try to deal with depression, you might wanna have a look.
You can also ask your mom to help you through with the call to the helpline, someone close to you being there can make all the difference.

I, personally, hate talking on the phone. Face to face or through messages or emails are always my preferred ways to communicate with people (the very few I do communicate with) so I understand if you feel the same.

I've given thought to therapy, I'm actually on a waitlist at a place but I'm considering trying somewhere else because I've been on their waitlist for a while. My insurance isn't great tho so I'm limited. I also hate talking on the phone, texts, I'm more okay with, but calls I absolutely hate. I even hate calling in takeout from places.