Title was supposed to be "I want to go to therapy but I'm afraid they will "expose" me like the last time" but it just kept snowballing from there and here I am 2000 words later. Probably no one will read this anyway but it feels somewhat nice screaming into the void and getting stuff off my chest. [NSFW i guess because cutting, eating disorder and other potentially triggering stuff]
I was a minor when they did it first few times (therapists telling others stuff I told them) and it genuinely fucked me up even more.
When they told to my parents that I'm bulimic and have been thinking about suicide (even after I explicitly told them that I can be reasoned with to not do anything "stupid" and that shit will get real bad if they do "expose" me) I felt soooo much hate towards them like to no other person ever before. I couldn't act on it in any meaning full way of course so I just gave myself a much-more-than-ordinary tough cutting session(s) that day. Now all those things they outed me for have gotten so serious that I'm even scared to think what would happen if I came out to anyone about them.
Like I sometimes imagine being alone with those therapists and shouting and swearing all kinds of things at them, mostly related to how I hate them. [1] I wanted to say that I sometimes imagine them suffering in some way to calm myself down, but now when I remember, I mostly just imagine myself suffering by imagining myself beating well another myself. It is mostly me being cut, hit and mutilated by another me while he/I is saying how worthless, idiot, etc. I am. Which is another really f*ed thing I do. (man does this sound cheesy. Sorry about that.)
There are also suicidal thoughts almost every time I see a high building, a sharp object, a river, sometimes cars. Basically a small but significant portion of my day boils down to me imagining all the ways I could kill myself which is ironically something I'll probably never do because suicide is A) hard and B) I'm a weak coward who always fails at it. I don't want to attempt it only to lose the ability to move hands so no messing up with wrists and I'm also too horrified of anything related to asphyxiation, pills are too hard to get and first time I tried them it did shit and second time I felt like I had gastrointestinal bleeding which was basically 3 full days of TERRIBLE pain.
Another thing I do is drinking(/more like licking) my blood after cutting myself. I guess it just gets me more of that "feeling alive" feeling. Apparently it isn't that big of a deal since I've seen a few people doing the same, but I don't think I've seen anyone spreading blood around their lips and drawing a smile on their face or drawing stuff on toilet (or sometimes regular) paper with it and bursting into laughter because I imagined something random. Can't remember exact things which made me laugh but as far as I remember it's a bit like in the Joker movie (Sorry for accidental "omg literally meee" I did that before the movie came out and it's the best thing I can think of to describe it). It includes some trauma related stuff like those therapists I talked about earlier. E. g. I remember one of my train of thoughts going something like this "Imagine, fucking IMAGINE where you would be today had you continued therapy. Had they not been idiots. I told them EVERYTHING they needed to know and just asked them one. simple. thing. AND THEY JUST WIPED THEIR ASS WITH IT AND LAUGHED AT IT (one did actually laughed/smiled at me once). THEY ACTUALLY THINK IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A SUICIDAL AUTIST CUT ALLLLL CONNECTION WITH ANYONE THAT COULD MAYYYYBE HELP THEM THEN FOR HIM TO PROMISE TO CALL WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE DOING SOMETHING "FUNNY" OR TELLING WHATEVER HE THINKS OR FEELS OR HOW HARD WAS HE CUTTING HIMSELF FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS OR JUST HAVING A ONE FUCKING PERSON TO TALK TO" etc. etc. and all caps is about where I'd start laughing (not too loudly of course because otherwise someone would hear it). I guess it is because of apparent dissonance between what those people are supposed to do and *checks my wrist and thighs* what they did instead. It's a bit hard to explain. It is like somewhat controlled/sustained manic episode. I know, at the time of going through them, that things I think and say to myself make zero sense but through some weird cognitive dissonance they somehow manage to make me laugh and feel stuff. I don't even think/feel I am entitled to having those feelings, given how "good" living conditions I grew up in and still have.
I also don't really have any friends let alone some I could share ANY of this with (which would maybe just maaaayybe make things easier) so I frequently just pretend that there is one more me who I can talk to.[2] I try imagining him as realistically as I can (where he is, where and how he moves, what he says and how he speaks, sometimes changing his appearance, ...) I'm 100% aware that he isn't real (hell I sometimes struggle imagining him and even forget about him for a few weeks, months on occasion), but that's the point to which I got, the extend to which I go to just to have an illusion of talking to someone about anything.
The worst thing is that I have plenty of friends (more like people I sometimes hang out some of which I'm pretty close with but whatever) but I'm either too scared or too ashamed to share any of my problems with them and I fucking can't interact normally with them or anyone simply because I have nothing to say that I am not too scared or ashamed of (it's hard to meet new friends for the same reason. The fact that I'm social retard and awkward as f*ck doesn't help either).
When they ask "How's the college going" I can't just say "I stopped going to classes months ago", when they ask "How do you do at the new city and the dorm" or "How does your average day look like" I cant just say "I mostly stay in my room, trying not to make it too obvious to my roommate that I'd off myself the moment I see a gun", when potential friend asks about anything college related I can't just say "I don't even know wtf you're talking about". There is not much interesting things about me besides how asocial I am and how much I want to not exist and all the weird shit I do to myself.
Funny thing is that all those feelings of anxiety, unrest and fear just go away the instant I have to interact with another person. One moment I'm not too far away from crying, another I can smile and make jokes and talk to them very much like any normal person. I mostly lie and pretend the best as I can that all is good, avoiding any topics related to present me, but I really do feel as if I'm ok for those few minutes the hard part is lying about "real" stuff like the ones mentioned in the previous paragraph. I almost want to compare it to that adrenalin thing when people who get serious injury don't even notice it until they are no longer in danger and they calm down. Also unrelated maybe interesting thing is how I usually reflect to "cringe" on parts of the conversation. Which reminds me of...
...Sometimes I do those weird tics similar to the ones people with Tourette do, but I am pretty sure I started doing them kind of on purpose (since the middle school, when it was mostly just eyelid twitching, but it was in late high school that I started doing it more). [I just realised this could come off as disrespectful towards those who actually struggle with it. I am sorry about that. I just don't know how else to describe it.] For the most part, I do them while or after talking to others even sending a message sometimes. It is not about stress since I tend to be very stressed before and during exams and I don't do it then. It could be because in addition to stress I'm also pretty scared (feeling cold and sweating a bit). Maybe it is just the "cringe" combined with moderate stress I feel while and after talking to others. The thing is that I can control it without much effort, like it is pretty easy, but I feel like I do not want to [it has gotten a bit more severe since then but I still feel like I can control it when really needed]. I tried willingly stopping them as an experiment and it wasn't hard at all. Maybe it's just to drive at least some of my attention away from the conversation, but I'm not sure if that helps me or not.
Sometimes I feel like I'm also responsible for making myself bulimic. It started in high school as a part of "grad plan" if you will to make myself generally better at school, the best I can be actually. Since I couldn't hope to make any friends I decided I'll just try to excel in other things. I knew one person that used to be pretty good at school (one of the best even) and now they are basically like King Vendrick from DS2 (he just looms around unable to even see or damage the player. I know it's wrong but it feels unnerving thinking that I might end up like that). And I wanted to have some safeguards in place so that doesn't happen to me or at least that I know if it starts happening (so I can kill myself because I don't really want to live like that person - no friends, fat, low self awareness and life with nothing achieved) and one of the ways I checked it was food/weight. I was 180 cm and 64 kg and the limit I set myself to always be 63 kg or below. It was supposed to be a way of "checking" that I was still on the right track. I managed to go with that and a few of other "guidelines"[3] for some time. Needless to say that wasn't the best relationship with food to have but I can't say if I developed bulimia because of it or because I wanted for something to be wrong with me. When I made myself throw up for the first time I think I was saying in my head something along the lines "Is THIS enough?! Is THIS fucking enough to be called "a DiSoRdEr"?!" even though I never told anyone that there might be anything wrong with me, showed any signs, hell I'm not sure if I thought something was wrong. The only hard part was hiding the cuts which I was pretty good at, only cutting areas covered with something like wrist I had a watch on, shoulders and upper thighs. I didn't want it to turn out that I did it just "for attention".
You know, like most folk, I sometimes find it fun bitching about US mass shootings and how easily accessible guns are over there, but man do I wish I could get my hands on just one for a minute to fire that one stupid bullet... Guess throwing myself into a river and doing hypothermia thing is the best I can get here (lol I wish).
[1] To clarify I would never do that to them or any other person in real life. Prime reasons for that are me being a b*tch and more than that, having some basic moral framework. I'm not cruel or a psycho or crazy (except maybe that last thing and first can be debatable I guess because... reasons) even if that's how I seem to you after reading the wall above.
[2] Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever pictured his face so saying "another me" might not be the most accurate in that regard. But hey imagining stuff in general is hard let alone faces and it is my head so I guess I get to do what I want.
[3] I would hit and insult myself when I couldn't focus on learning (probably. If you couldn't tell it is all very foggy to me), sometimes crying and watching tears drop on a book but ignoring them. I did meditation for what I think were 2 30 or 15 min sessions a day, also exercised for half an hour daily and reduced any form of free time to at most half an hour daily which was itself limited to non mandatory books or (pop) culture/science YouTube videos. Crazy thing is that it worked (I guess). I did learn a lot during that time it's one of the reasons people think of me as pretty educated and intelligent.
I was a minor when they did it first few times (therapists telling others stuff I told them) and it genuinely fucked me up even more.
When they told to my parents that I'm bulimic and have been thinking about suicide (even after I explicitly told them that I can be reasoned with to not do anything "stupid" and that shit will get real bad if they do "expose" me) I felt soooo much hate towards them like to no other person ever before. I couldn't act on it in any meaning full way of course so I just gave myself a much-more-than-ordinary tough cutting session(s) that day. Now all those things they outed me for have gotten so serious that I'm even scared to think what would happen if I came out to anyone about them.
Like I sometimes imagine being alone with those therapists and shouting and swearing all kinds of things at them, mostly related to how I hate them. [1] I wanted to say that I sometimes imagine them suffering in some way to calm myself down, but now when I remember, I mostly just imagine myself suffering by imagining myself beating well another myself. It is mostly me being cut, hit and mutilated by another me while he/I is saying how worthless, idiot, etc. I am. Which is another really f*ed thing I do. (man does this sound cheesy. Sorry about that.)
There are also suicidal thoughts almost every time I see a high building, a sharp object, a river, sometimes cars. Basically a small but significant portion of my day boils down to me imagining all the ways I could kill myself which is ironically something I'll probably never do because suicide is A) hard and B) I'm a weak coward who always fails at it. I don't want to attempt it only to lose the ability to move hands so no messing up with wrists and I'm also too horrified of anything related to asphyxiation, pills are too hard to get and first time I tried them it did shit and second time I felt like I had gastrointestinal bleeding which was basically 3 full days of TERRIBLE pain.
Another thing I do is drinking(/more like licking) my blood after cutting myself. I guess it just gets me more of that "feeling alive" feeling. Apparently it isn't that big of a deal since I've seen a few people doing the same, but I don't think I've seen anyone spreading blood around their lips and drawing a smile on their face or drawing stuff on toilet (or sometimes regular) paper with it and bursting into laughter because I imagined something random. Can't remember exact things which made me laugh but as far as I remember it's a bit like in the Joker movie (Sorry for accidental "omg literally meee" I did that before the movie came out and it's the best thing I can think of to describe it). It includes some trauma related stuff like those therapists I talked about earlier. E. g. I remember one of my train of thoughts going something like this "Imagine, fucking IMAGINE where you would be today had you continued therapy. Had they not been idiots. I told them EVERYTHING they needed to know and just asked them one. simple. thing. AND THEY JUST WIPED THEIR ASS WITH IT AND LAUGHED AT IT (one did actually laughed/smiled at me once). THEY ACTUALLY THINK IT'S BETTER TO HAVE A SUICIDAL AUTIST CUT ALLLLL CONNECTION WITH ANYONE THAT COULD MAYYYYBE HELP THEM THEN FOR HIM TO PROMISE TO CALL WHENEVER HE FEELS LIKE DOING SOMETHING "FUNNY" OR TELLING WHATEVER HE THINKS OR FEELS OR HOW HARD WAS HE CUTTING HIMSELF FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS OR JUST HAVING A ONE FUCKING PERSON TO TALK TO" etc. etc. and all caps is about where I'd start laughing (not too loudly of course because otherwise someone would hear it). I guess it is because of apparent dissonance between what those people are supposed to do and *checks my wrist and thighs* what they did instead. It's a bit hard to explain. It is like somewhat controlled/sustained manic episode. I know, at the time of going through them, that things I think and say to myself make zero sense but through some weird cognitive dissonance they somehow manage to make me laugh and feel stuff. I don't even think/feel I am entitled to having those feelings, given how "good" living conditions I grew up in and still have.
I also don't really have any friends let alone some I could share ANY of this with (which would maybe just maaaayybe make things easier) so I frequently just pretend that there is one more me who I can talk to.[2] I try imagining him as realistically as I can (where he is, where and how he moves, what he says and how he speaks, sometimes changing his appearance, ...) I'm 100% aware that he isn't real (hell I sometimes struggle imagining him and even forget about him for a few weeks, months on occasion), but that's the point to which I got, the extend to which I go to just to have an illusion of talking to someone about anything.
The worst thing is that I have plenty of friends (more like people I sometimes hang out some of which I'm pretty close with but whatever) but I'm either too scared or too ashamed to share any of my problems with them and I fucking can't interact normally with them or anyone simply because I have nothing to say that I am not too scared or ashamed of (it's hard to meet new friends for the same reason. The fact that I'm social retard and awkward as f*ck doesn't help either).
When they ask "How's the college going" I can't just say "I stopped going to classes months ago", when they ask "How do you do at the new city and the dorm" or "How does your average day look like" I cant just say "I mostly stay in my room, trying not to make it too obvious to my roommate that I'd off myself the moment I see a gun", when potential friend asks about anything college related I can't just say "I don't even know wtf you're talking about". There is not much interesting things about me besides how asocial I am and how much I want to not exist and all the weird shit I do to myself.
Funny thing is that all those feelings of anxiety, unrest and fear just go away the instant I have to interact with another person. One moment I'm not too far away from crying, another I can smile and make jokes and talk to them very much like any normal person. I mostly lie and pretend the best as I can that all is good, avoiding any topics related to present me, but I really do feel as if I'm ok for those few minutes the hard part is lying about "real" stuff like the ones mentioned in the previous paragraph. I almost want to compare it to that adrenalin thing when people who get serious injury don't even notice it until they are no longer in danger and they calm down. Also unrelated maybe interesting thing is how I usually reflect to "cringe" on parts of the conversation. Which reminds me of...
...Sometimes I do those weird tics similar to the ones people with Tourette do, but I am pretty sure I started doing them kind of on purpose (since the middle school, when it was mostly just eyelid twitching, but it was in late high school that I started doing it more). [I just realised this could come off as disrespectful towards those who actually struggle with it. I am sorry about that. I just don't know how else to describe it.] For the most part, I do them while or after talking to others even sending a message sometimes. It is not about stress since I tend to be very stressed before and during exams and I don't do it then. It could be because in addition to stress I'm also pretty scared (feeling cold and sweating a bit). Maybe it is just the "cringe" combined with moderate stress I feel while and after talking to others. The thing is that I can control it without much effort, like it is pretty easy, but I feel like I do not want to [it has gotten a bit more severe since then but I still feel like I can control it when really needed]. I tried willingly stopping them as an experiment and it wasn't hard at all. Maybe it's just to drive at least some of my attention away from the conversation, but I'm not sure if that helps me or not.
Sometimes I feel like I'm also responsible for making myself bulimic. It started in high school as a part of "grad plan" if you will to make myself generally better at school, the best I can be actually. Since I couldn't hope to make any friends I decided I'll just try to excel in other things. I knew one person that used to be pretty good at school (one of the best even) and now they are basically like King Vendrick from DS2 (he just looms around unable to even see or damage the player. I know it's wrong but it feels unnerving thinking that I might end up like that). And I wanted to have some safeguards in place so that doesn't happen to me or at least that I know if it starts happening (so I can kill myself because I don't really want to live like that person - no friends, fat, low self awareness and life with nothing achieved) and one of the ways I checked it was food/weight. I was 180 cm and 64 kg and the limit I set myself to always be 63 kg or below. It was supposed to be a way of "checking" that I was still on the right track. I managed to go with that and a few of other "guidelines"[3] for some time. Needless to say that wasn't the best relationship with food to have but I can't say if I developed bulimia because of it or because I wanted for something to be wrong with me. When I made myself throw up for the first time I think I was saying in my head something along the lines "Is THIS enough?! Is THIS fucking enough to be called "a DiSoRdEr"?!" even though I never told anyone that there might be anything wrong with me, showed any signs, hell I'm not sure if I thought something was wrong. The only hard part was hiding the cuts which I was pretty good at, only cutting areas covered with something like wrist I had a watch on, shoulders and upper thighs. I didn't want it to turn out that I did it just "for attention".
You know, like most folk, I sometimes find it fun bitching about US mass shootings and how easily accessible guns are over there, but man do I wish I could get my hands on just one for a minute to fire that one stupid bullet... Guess throwing myself into a river and doing hypothermia thing is the best I can get here (lol I wish).
[1] To clarify I would never do that to them or any other person in real life. Prime reasons for that are me being a b*tch and more than that, having some basic moral framework. I'm not cruel or a psycho or crazy (except maybe that last thing and first can be debatable I guess because... reasons) even if that's how I seem to you after reading the wall above.
[2] Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever pictured his face so saying "another me" might not be the most accurate in that regard. But hey imagining stuff in general is hard let alone faces and it is my head so I guess I get to do what I want.
[3] I would hit and insult myself when I couldn't focus on learning (probably. If you couldn't tell it is all very foggy to me), sometimes crying and watching tears drop on a book but ignoring them. I did meditation for what I think were 2 30 or 15 min sessions a day, also exercised for half an hour daily and reduced any form of free time to at most half an hour daily which was itself limited to non mandatory books or (pop) culture/science YouTube videos. Crazy thing is that it worked (I guess). I did learn a lot during that time it's one of the reasons people think of me as pretty educated and intelligent.
