I was not sure whether it was appropriate to make this thread. I asked myself whether I should have made an "ask me anything" in the title. This thread has the purpose that I want to come to terms with that story because it really haunts me. Moreover I hope I might can give some trans people an insight what matters for other people.
I am not sure how to start it. Maybe I try it chronologically but I might change or omit some details to protect her and my privacy. The first time I saw her was at a certain lecture. She had to present herself in front of the crowd. And I felt attraction towards her. She was extremely self-confident and acted very professionaly without being nervous at all. This impressed me I could never do that. She was kind of the opposite of me. She seemed to be very strong person and this sparked some interest. Though I think there was another reason why I was interested. I read A LOT of posts of trans people in this forum and I relate to them so much. I feel like there are a lot of similarities in the discrimination, self-hatred, stigmatization, lower life quality. I think I once read that not identifying with your biological sex is like a traumata and has a big negative impact on your mental health. So this is how the crush thing started.
However there were probably more factors. I liked her outer appearance, her clothing, she was slim and she seemed to be highly intelligent (which I might overvalue). Later I found out she is very tolerant (maybe this is a facade who knows I will later elaborate on that)I, she tries to help other students as good as she can. Yeah I think this was it. To the outer appearance thing. I am very certain she transitioned after puberty. I had noticed that in some documents. From her outer appearance I liked her hair, her figure and she had top surgery. One still could see that she was trans. But this was not that important to me. I was more interested in her character, good conversations, sharing one's pain with each other, maybe having a stronger bond because of the same forms of discriminations. Maybe hating life lol. ( I think was completely wrong with that. Always when I met her she looked pretty happy. I think at college there might be less discrimination than outside of the college world.)
After some months when I met her first I was almost alone with her and I tried to approach her. Honestly I could pull off my skin when I think about it. Something dies inside myself of embarrassment and shame. I tried to compliment her. Though as in the past I turned psychotic when I approached my crush. This is I think the second or third time this happened. I tried to analyze retrospectively what actually happened. I think I will never know the details. But she doubted my sanity afterwards. First I thought she liked the compliment. I am quite sure I was pretty wrong on that. It rather puzzled her and was very very weird. I could speculate on the details but this is not good for my health. One semester later I saw her again. She acted like she would have liked the compliment but I am pretty sure that was ironic. From another person I know that she questioned my sanity and I am quite sure she never considered me to be her partner. He was present at a conversation with her and it sounded like she did not speak nicely about me at all...
I always had and sometimes still have fears I might offended her with my compliment in some way and this is why she was mean to me. However as in the past I sometimes idealize people way too much and struggle to accept that they just don't like me despite the fact I like them.
I crashed pretty hard last semester when I realized I have made an ass out of myself with that compliment. It must have been seen as needy and desperate (?) Rationally I know it is useless to ruminate on that. The initial interaction is more than 7 months ago but I died inside myself out of shame a couple of times. But this shame is pretty pathological and is part of my illness. I ruminated the whole semester whether she liked me or not. Which really was not good for my mental health. Closely prior to the exams I knew I would meet her again. I hoped to finally get my answer what she really thinks of me. I tried to look her deep into her eyes and noticed that her face as a result was a mix of laughing at me (not in the positive sense) and something like the insane guy once again. In another background conversation where she was present and not me she probably has gossiped about me not being sane. I could imagine she made a joke or just a funny remark about me. (but this is speculative and my friends say this is way too uncertain). I know there was a talk with some students and a professor about me (due to my disability) and the people who were present treated me like I was somewhat insane e.g. they looked at me very concerned afterwards. And another guy looked at me with pity (actually this guy knows me more than her) and somewhat angry at her.
I know I might interpret way too much into that (especially gazes). Most of that is rather irrelevant. None of them actually think about me often. I might have been like 30 seconds in their mind and then life went on. They don't know me and I don't really know her. Some time afterwards I met her again and she again treated me like I was not sane. But not that offensive rather an awkward laughter after talking to me.
This thing made me feel horrible. It tortured me a lot during the holidays. It is cynical for me. I hoped she might be less judgemental because of her own experiences of discrimination but it seemed like the opposite was the case. Others treated me more friendly after such an incident. On ther other hand side what else should I expect when I turn psychotic in my first interaction. What have I actually said it is really hard to determine. I think we were strangers to each other and the compliment was way way too much and way too direct. Inner heat of shame errupts when I think of it. It was weird for sure.
It hurts me a lot when I noticed she did not take me serious at all. And talked badly behind my back. I hoped so much she was less judgemental. It hurt me so fucking much. I idealized her way too much. The logic with her experiences of discrimination she might be more tolerant towards my condition was completely wrong. I think it was very good not to ask her for a date. I would have humiliated me even further. I struggle how to go on with that. My lesson is never to approach a girl that offensive in my whole life again. I try to forget it. I hope I never meet her again. I feel ashamed. But it is likely I am barely a subject in her mind so she might forget many things (?)
The shame of this incident almost drove me to commit suicide during the holidays. But it is not worth it. Still it might be uncomfortable if I meet her again. I am scared how she gossiped about me and how she might have made fun of me. However I am pretty much a noname at my college and barely anyone really notices me. I am scared about my reputation but rationally no one really gives a fuck about me. Even if I killed myself all people would have thought about me like 30 seconds (except my friends at college) and then the world moved on for them. My shame is kind of pathological maybe due to that it made me so fucking suicidal. I think one thing to learn from the experience is: I should not blame my anger on trans people. Only if had a bad experience with one person of a certain group that is not representative for the whole group. Due to the circumstances and due to the fact I barely know her it is even difficult to assess her personality. Her behavior disappointed and hurt me still though.
But I am pretty sure I should move on and forget the whole thing. The main interaction happened more than half a year ago. Most people probably have forgotten about it. I could still pull my skin off when I think about it (the shame of being seen as insane). But the feeling gets less.
I am not sure how to start it. Maybe I try it chronologically but I might change or omit some details to protect her and my privacy. The first time I saw her was at a certain lecture. She had to present herself in front of the crowd. And I felt attraction towards her. She was extremely self-confident and acted very professionaly without being nervous at all. This impressed me I could never do that. She was kind of the opposite of me. She seemed to be very strong person and this sparked some interest. Though I think there was another reason why I was interested. I read A LOT of posts of trans people in this forum and I relate to them so much. I feel like there are a lot of similarities in the discrimination, self-hatred, stigmatization, lower life quality. I think I once read that not identifying with your biological sex is like a traumata and has a big negative impact on your mental health. So this is how the crush thing started.
However there were probably more factors. I liked her outer appearance, her clothing, she was slim and she seemed to be highly intelligent (which I might overvalue). Later I found out she is very tolerant (maybe this is a facade who knows I will later elaborate on that)I, she tries to help other students as good as she can. Yeah I think this was it. To the outer appearance thing. I am very certain she transitioned after puberty. I had noticed that in some documents. From her outer appearance I liked her hair, her figure and she had top surgery. One still could see that she was trans. But this was not that important to me. I was more interested in her character, good conversations, sharing one's pain with each other, maybe having a stronger bond because of the same forms of discriminations. Maybe hating life lol. ( I think was completely wrong with that. Always when I met her she looked pretty happy. I think at college there might be less discrimination than outside of the college world.)
After some months when I met her first I was almost alone with her and I tried to approach her. Honestly I could pull off my skin when I think about it. Something dies inside myself of embarrassment and shame. I tried to compliment her. Though as in the past I turned psychotic when I approached my crush. This is I think the second or third time this happened. I tried to analyze retrospectively what actually happened. I think I will never know the details. But she doubted my sanity afterwards. First I thought she liked the compliment. I am quite sure I was pretty wrong on that. It rather puzzled her and was very very weird. I could speculate on the details but this is not good for my health. One semester later I saw her again. She acted like she would have liked the compliment but I am pretty sure that was ironic. From another person I know that she questioned my sanity and I am quite sure she never considered me to be her partner. He was present at a conversation with her and it sounded like she did not speak nicely about me at all...
I always had and sometimes still have fears I might offended her with my compliment in some way and this is why she was mean to me. However as in the past I sometimes idealize people way too much and struggle to accept that they just don't like me despite the fact I like them.
I crashed pretty hard last semester when I realized I have made an ass out of myself with that compliment. It must have been seen as needy and desperate (?) Rationally I know it is useless to ruminate on that. The initial interaction is more than 7 months ago but I died inside myself out of shame a couple of times. But this shame is pretty pathological and is part of my illness. I ruminated the whole semester whether she liked me or not. Which really was not good for my mental health. Closely prior to the exams I knew I would meet her again. I hoped to finally get my answer what she really thinks of me. I tried to look her deep into her eyes and noticed that her face as a result was a mix of laughing at me (not in the positive sense) and something like the insane guy once again. In another background conversation where she was present and not me she probably has gossiped about me not being sane. I could imagine she made a joke or just a funny remark about me. (but this is speculative and my friends say this is way too uncertain). I know there was a talk with some students and a professor about me (due to my disability) and the people who were present treated me like I was somewhat insane e.g. they looked at me very concerned afterwards. And another guy looked at me with pity (actually this guy knows me more than her) and somewhat angry at her.
I know I might interpret way too much into that (especially gazes). Most of that is rather irrelevant. None of them actually think about me often. I might have been like 30 seconds in their mind and then life went on. They don't know me and I don't really know her. Some time afterwards I met her again and she again treated me like I was not sane. But not that offensive rather an awkward laughter after talking to me.
This thing made me feel horrible. It tortured me a lot during the holidays. It is cynical for me. I hoped she might be less judgemental because of her own experiences of discrimination but it seemed like the opposite was the case. Others treated me more friendly after such an incident. On ther other hand side what else should I expect when I turn psychotic in my first interaction. What have I actually said it is really hard to determine. I think we were strangers to each other and the compliment was way way too much and way too direct. Inner heat of shame errupts when I think of it. It was weird for sure.
It hurts me a lot when I noticed she did not take me serious at all. And talked badly behind my back. I hoped so much she was less judgemental. It hurt me so fucking much. I idealized her way too much. The logic with her experiences of discrimination she might be more tolerant towards my condition was completely wrong. I think it was very good not to ask her for a date. I would have humiliated me even further. I struggle how to go on with that. My lesson is never to approach a girl that offensive in my whole life again. I try to forget it. I hope I never meet her again. I feel ashamed. But it is likely I am barely a subject in her mind so she might forget many things (?)
The shame of this incident almost drove me to commit suicide during the holidays. But it is not worth it. Still it might be uncomfortable if I meet her again. I am scared how she gossiped about me and how she might have made fun of me. However I am pretty much a noname at my college and barely anyone really notices me. I am scared about my reputation but rationally no one really gives a fuck about me. Even if I killed myself all people would have thought about me like 30 seconds (except my friends at college) and then the world moved on for them. My shame is kind of pathological maybe due to that it made me so fucking suicidal. I think one thing to learn from the experience is: I should not blame my anger on trans people. Only if had a bad experience with one person of a certain group that is not representative for the whole group. Due to the circumstances and due to the fact I barely know her it is even difficult to assess her personality. Her behavior disappointed and hurt me still though.
But I am pretty sure I should move on and forget the whole thing. The main interaction happened more than half a year ago. Most people probably have forgotten about it. I could still pull my skin off when I think about it (the shame of being seen as insane). But the feeling gets less.
