i never wanted it to end like this

[mushi]

I've been trying for years and years to fix my trauma. And to heal and move past it.

But it always comes back to the truth. All the abuse I went through already happened. It's in the past. It can never change. It's always going to hurt.

And i'm just so tired of fighting it.

I called the suicide hotline and they were ok. Deescalated me. But that just leaves you back at square one.

I think I am going to kill myself. And it's so hard. I feel like I've failed. I worked really hard. I really did my best. But it was never my fault. I didn't abuse myself, or make the world the way it is. It was never in my control. I was just doomed from the start.

I'm proud of myself for trying. I really did give life a go, as best I could. I put myself out there and did the things that terrified me. I stood up for myself and chose my own way. I helped people where I could and always offered a listening ear. No one ever helped me back, but I didn't let it get to me. I just had faith it would come back around in the end.

I've always been afraid of suicide because I'm an intense person. When I do something, I do it properly. I'm not the type to attempt and then think I've made a mistake. I'm not going to attempt and then wake up happy that im alive. I'm either going to get it right the first time, or I'm going to keep trying until I'm gone.

That's just who I am, and I KNOW that, so I've always pretended that I'm ok. Because I'm too scared to face the truth.

But the world has finally broke me completely. It's not worth lingering just to see how things go, or because its comfortable. It's time to say bye, I think. I've made my peace with it

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, existence really is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[eatantz]

I wish I was an intense person. I regret things so easily, all my attempts end in my survival instinct taking over then I'm just left with shame. I really hope you can find peace, wishing you the best!

 

[completelydone]

I'm proud of myself for trying. I really did give life a go, as best I could. I put myself out there and did the things that terrified me. I stood up for myself and chose my own way. I helped people where I could and always offered a listening ear. No one ever helped me back, but I didn't let it get to me. I just had faith it would come back around in the end.

I really relate with this part. Like we've tried so hard to keep rolling and just let things go and hope for the best but it gets unbearable after a certain point. They say that we're weak because we want to ctb but I guarantee you they couldn't have made it this far. Sorry for what you went through, best of luck

 

[Traveller12724]

In trying to fix your trauma, did you ever try ayahuasca ? When I tried it, it felt like 3 years of therapy condensed in one night, it's very healing. Unfortunately trauma wasn't my only problem so I still ended up on this shared journey to ctb. May you find the peace you seek.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I've been trying for years and years to fix my trauma. And to heal and move past it.

But it always comes back to the truth. All the abuse I went through already happened. It's in the past. It can never change. It's always going to hurt.

And i'm just so tired of fighting it.

I called the suicide hotline and they were ok. Deescalated me. But that just leaves you back at square one.

I think I am going to kill myself. And it's so hard. I feel like I've failed. I worked really hard. I really did my best. But it was never my fault. I didn't abuse myself, or make the world the way it is. It was never in my control. I was just doomed from the start.

I'm proud of myself for trying. I really did give life a go, as best I could. I put myself out there and did the things that terrified me. I stood up for myself and chose my own way. I helped people where I could and always offered a listening ear. No one ever helped me back, but I didn't let it get to me. I just had faith it would come back around in the end.

I've always been afraid of suicide because I'm an intense person. When I do something, I do it properly. I'm not the type to attempt and then think I've made a mistake. I'm not going to attempt and then wake up happy that im alive. I'm either going to get it right the first time, or I'm going to keep trying until I'm gone.

That's just who I am, and I KNOW that, so I've always pretended that I'm ok. Because I'm too scared to face the truth.

But the world has finally broke me completely. It's not worth lingering just to see how things go, or because its comfortable. It's time to say bye, I think. I've made my peace with it

I can definitely relate to some of this. Like I've told people I've officially lost my battle with depression. Wishing you the best with whichever route you choose.

 

[divinemistress87]

In trying to fix your trauma, did you ever try ayahuasca ? When I tried it, it felt like 3 years of therapy condensed in one night, it's very healing. Unfortunately trauma wasn't my only problem so I still ended up on this shared journey to ctb. May you find the peace you seek.

Was it scary during your ayahuasca trip?

 

[Traveller12724]

Was it scary during your ayahuasca trip?

No, not at all, it was a warm feeling actually, it was so healing for me. I made sure to go into the retreat fasted for 25hrs so the urge to purge doesn't interfere with the experience and it worked and that night was one of the best nights of my life for sure, the experience is life-changing indeed. The people who came in not fasted didn't have the best experience though cause they ended up having to puke and feeling sick and that interfered with the experience so be careful about eating.

 

[divinemistress87]

No, not at all, it was a warm feeling actually, it was so healing for me. I made sure to go into the retreat fasted for 25hrs so the urge to purge doesn't interfere with the experience and it worked and that night was one of the best nights of my life for sure, the experience is life-changing indeed. The people who came in not fasted didn't have the best experience though cause they ended up having to puke and feeling sick and that interfered with the experience so be careful about eating.

Did it feel like a spiritual experience?

 

[theboy]

No one in this forum wanted to end up like this

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry. It's the worst when you really tried just about everything and it still doesn't work, especially since everyone pretends that it always works. I hope you're able to find peace soon

 

[Traveller12724]

Did it feel like a spiritual experience?

Very very much so!!

 

[divinemistress87]

Very very much so!!

I cant wait to go "home"

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I'm proud of you for trying too, friend. It sounds like you've done really good and I'm genuinely sorry that wasn't enough to stop your pain. Abuse does something to a person, almost like it carves out a piece of your humanity for each time. It's unnatural. And you're right, it wasn't your fault, it could have never been your fault. I hope that you find peace from it, in one way or another. You're not alone in this.