Venting I never had a chance

[Noctis]

I remember when I was four years old and I regularly tucked my penis between my legs and taped it there. My reasoning was my body would absorb it and I would become a girl.

I remember at six when I thought boys grew up to be women, and I was so happy. Then my dad told me boys grow up to be men, and I realized I was going to look like my dad, and not my mom, when I grew up. I had never been so sad at that point. I desperately wanted to be a woman.

Then at 10, I tried kissing my best friend. He pushed me away and said "Gross! That's gay!"

Around 16, I was fighting with my girlfriend and noticing I found some boys attractive. I told my mom that I was going to move to Vermont, find some guy named Gary and open a bed and breakfast with him. My mom immediately said "Oh no you are not." Why not, mom? What are you gong to do? Disown me? "Yes." That's what she said. To my face. To be a young teenager and learn your parent's love is not unconditional... it fucks you up.

Less than a year later, one of my mom's friends passed away. She was reading the obituary out loud in the kitchen. "She is survived by her husband, Paul, their daughter Sarah, and her husband Steve, as well as their son Jake and his partner Greg... oh. I didn't know her son was gay." Then my dad added "I've got a shotgun upstairs to make sure I'm not survived by some faggot son." As an adolescent boy who is already struggling with his Christian upbringing, faith, and sexuality, it really fucks you up to hear your dad say he'd rather kill you than let the world know you're gay.

Then I went to college and I was free from my parents. I started to experiment sexually, but I just hated myself afterwards. These feelings were disgusting and wrong. What I was doing was disgusting and wrong. I was disgusting and wrong.

I don't really remember when the suicidal thoughts started, but I know I was praying for God to kill me when I was in the fourth grade. I knew I couldn't do it myself, or I wouldn't get into heaven. So I stuck around. I was always miserable.

Then, the fear of hell wasn't enough to keep me here. I had to start finding any reason to stick around, like a new video game coming out, or graduation, or even just after my friend's birthday so he doesn't have to be sad on his birthday. There was never a real reason to stick around; only a reason to delay leaving. It got to where I stopped planning for the future. I mean, what's the point? I'll probably be dead next year, so what does it matter? I started living for the moment, and had no concept about the future. Most kids excitedly exclaim they'll be a fireman or astronaut or doctor when they grow up. Not me. I'm not growing up. I'll kill myself before 18, so who cares if my grades are terrible? Why bother thinking about what major I want? I mean, I'll be dead before I graduate. And why would I care about internships or summer jobs? I want to fuck around and enjoy my time. After all, I'm probably going to kill myself this year.

I remember getting a life insurance policy, and reading they only pay out on suicide if the policyholder has had the policy and been in good standing for two years. Two years? That was the longest I ever had a reason to stick around. I remember when that two year mark hit; I was so relieved that I could now kill myself whenever I needed.

But I didn't. I told myself things would get better when I had a stable job. Then maybe they'll get better when I get a few raises and live comfortably. Then maybe things will improve after I buy a house and have a space I own. And maybe this empty space will be warmer when I meet someone and we have a family.

Now, here I am. I'm 37 years old. I'm married. I have two dogs I love more than anything. I have a wife who repeatedly tells me she loves me. I have a good job that offers me lots of free time, and I make more money than 75% of all Americans, and I still hate my life. There's nothing else to look forward to. There's no point in your life where it magically gets better. I'm the problem, it's not my age, not my job, not my marital status...me.

I'm the reason I'm miserable. I'm the reason I want to die so much. I watch porn and I want to be that hot girl so bad. I look at other guys and I lust after them so hard my chest hurts. I see my penis and I hate it. But there's no way I'll ever say these things out loud. After all, these feelings are disgusting and wrong.

The entire deck was stacked against me from birth. I never had a chance at being happy. Maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much if I were normal, but that's not what happened. I'm me. I'm worthless. I hate myself. And things will never get better.

Thanks for reading this far. Sorry it wasn't more entertaining.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. I know it is such a painful feeling when everything is hopeless. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Religious indoctrination should be considered child abuse. It takes a long time to deprogram yourself from all the abusive brainwashing and you will never feel normal.

You did nothing wrong. You don't deserve to feel like this. I also agree that there is no magic point in life where things suddenly get better. That only happens in Hollywood movies. Life does not have a happy ending. It just keeps piling on bullshit until you break down mentally.

I find it ridiculous that society expects us to be grateful for a shitty life we never even asked for. It is frustrating that you can't even have an honest conversation about this without being gaslighted, mocked or even outright dismissed.

 

[Noctis]

Religious indoctrination should be considered child abuse. It takes a long time to deprogram yourself from all the abusive brainwashing and you will never feel normal.

You did nothing wrong. You don't deserve to feel like this. I also agree that there is no magic point in life where things suddenly get better. That only happens in Hollywood movies. Life does not have a happy ending. It just keeps piling on bullshit until you break down mentally.

I find it ridiculous that society expects us to be grateful for a shitty life we never even asked for. It is frustrating that you can't even have an honest conversation about this without being gaslighted, mocked or even outright dismissed.

Definitely. I was a fully functioning adult before I even started to question if there was a god. And honestly, if I were happy, I'd probably still be spreading the good word and telling people how awesome it is to be so religious that you never have to form an original thought.

 

[AtMostOkay]

Definitely. I was a fully functioning adult before I even started to question if there was a god. And honestly, if I were happy, I'd probably still be spreading the good word and telling people how awesome it is to be so religious that you never have to form an original thought.

I, too, experienced rejection from my parents via religion. I'm so sorry you're struggling.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Definitely. I was a fully functioning adult before I even started to question if there was a god. And honestly, if I were happy, I'd probably still be spreading the good word and telling people how awesome it is to be so religious that you never have to form an original thought.

My parents were religious nutjobs as well. They filled my head with fairytales and bizarre conspiracy theories. It took me years to deprogram myself and even to this day I still feel the lingering effects of it. The worst part was the constant beatings and humiliation they inflicted on me. Like you said, I never had a chance of being happy or normal. When you are raised in that kind of abusive and toxic environment the deck is stacked against you.

Just remember you have nothing to be ashamed of. I know it is hard to accept yourself but try to be kind to yourself whenever possible. No matter how long you are here for, you deserve to feel at peace with your decision whatever it may be.

 

[PandaExit]

I think you should do some things that make you happy for a while. If you want to transition you should, if you want to be with men you should. You shouldn't have to live a lie because of your parents bullshit. You deserve to be free.

 

[steviewonder]

I sympathise with you. I've been rejected my whole life for who I am. But you have the opposite problem it seems. Trans people will become more accepted over time so don't worry too much. Hopefully you'll be able to transition and live a normal life afterwards

 

[Geturdone]

Religious indoctrination should be considered child abuse. It takes a long time to deprogram yourself from all the abusive brainwashing and you will never feel normal.

You did nothing wrong. You don't deserve to feel like this. I also agree that there is no magic point in life where things suddenly get better. That only happens in Hollywood movies. Life does not have a happy ending. It just keeps piling on bullshit until you break down mentally.

I find it ridiculous that society expects us to be grateful for a shitty life we never even asked for. It is frustrating that you can't even have an honest conversation about this without being gaslighted, mocked or even outright dismissed.

Welcome

My father relationship was not dissimilar, you should feel proud that you are the dad to your kids that yours wasn't to you. Sometimes the emotion is better described as I don't want to live but I don't want to die by my own hands. For example I would love to get run over by a bus but don't fancy throwing myself under one if that makes sense. Another way of explaining it is that I value everyone's life above my own and would take the pain/death instead of them.

Be kind to yourself

Pax

That moved me, I really feel for the place you have found yourself. If ever I saw a candidate for self determination on how things should end it's you.

I hope things aren't too uncomfortable for you and I am humbled by what you have shared

hi. 55. male. anxious. confused. not sure why i am on here. but people seem nice.

Religious indoctrination should be considered child abuse. It takes a long time to deprogram yourself from all the abusive brainwashing and you will never feel normal.

YES YES YES!!!

 

[meetapple]

This is a very painful situation indeed. You have to see other people breezing through their lives while feeling powerless to change your own.
I sometimes feel that once I turned six my fate was sealed. I am not sure if that is true though.
You can certainly change your self hate regarding your sexuality. I have seen it happen. Perhaps you can confide in someone who you think might be receptive. There is absolutely no shame regarding your life.

 

[Geturdone]

I remember when I was four years old and I regularly tucked my penis between my legs and taped it there. My reasoning was my body would absorb it and I would become a girl.

I remember at six when I thought boys grew up to be women, and I was so happy. Then my dad told me boys grow up to be men, and I realized I was going to look like my dad, and not my mom, when I grew up. I had never been so sad at that point. I desperately wanted to be a woman.

Then at 10, I tried kissing my best friend. He pushed me away and said "Gross! That's gay!"

Around 16, I was fighting with my girlfriend and noticing I found some boys attractive. I told my mom that I was going to move to Vermont, find some guy named Gary and open a bed and breakfast with him. My mom immediately said "Oh no you are not." Why not, mom? What are you gong to do? Disown me? "Yes." That's what she said. To my face. To be a young teenager and learn your parent's love is not unconditional... it fucks you up.

Less than a year later, one of my mom's friends passed away. She was reading the obituary out loud in the kitchen. "She is survived by her husband, Paul, their daughter Sarah, and her husband Steve, as well as their son Jake and his partner Greg... oh. I didn't know her son was gay." Then my dad added "I've got a shotgun upstairs to make sure I'm not survived by some faggot son." As an adolescent boy who is already struggling with his Christian upbringing, faith, and sexuality, it really fucks you up to hear your dad say he'd rather kill you than let the world know you're gay.

Then I went to college and I was free from my parents. I started to experiment sexually, but I just hated myself afterwards. These feelings were disgusting and wrong. What I was doing was disgusting and wrong. I was disgusting and wrong.

I don't really remember when the suicidal thoughts started, but I know I was praying for God to kill me when I was in the fourth grade. I knew I couldn't do it myself, or I wouldn't get into heaven. So I stuck around. I was always miserable.

Then, the fear of hell wasn't enough to keep me here. I had to start finding any reason to stick around, like a new video game coming out, or graduation, or even just after my friend's birthday so he doesn't have to be sad on his birthday. There was never a real reason to stick around; only a reason to delay leaving. It got to where I stopped planning for the future. I mean, what's the point? I'll probably be dead next year, so what does it matter? I started living for the moment, and had no concept about the future. Most kids excitedly exclaim they'll be a fireman or astronaut or doctor when they grow up. Not me. I'm not growing up. I'll kill myself before 18, so who cares if my grades are terrible? Why bother thinking about what major I want? I mean, I'll be dead before I graduate. And why would I care about internships or summer jobs? I want to fuck around and enjoy my time. After all, I'm probably going to kill myself this year.

I remember getting a life insurance policy, and reading they only pay out on suicide if the policyholder has had the policy and been in good standing for two years. Two years? That was the longest I ever had a reason to stick around. I remember when that two year mark hit; I was so relieved that I could now kill myself whenever I needed.

But I didn't. I told myself things would get better when I had a stable job. Then maybe they'll get better when I get a few raises and live comfortably. Then maybe things will improve after I buy a house and have a space I own. And maybe this empty space will be warmer when I meet someone and we have a family.

Now, here I am. I'm 37 years old. I'm married. I have two dogs I love more than anything. I have a wife who repeatedly tells me she loves me. I have a good job that offers me lots of free time, and I make more money than 75% of all Americans, and I still hate my life. There's nothing else to look forward to. There's no point in your life where it magically gets better. I'm the problem, it's not my age, not my job, not my marital status...me.

I'm the reason I'm miserable. I'm the reason I want to die so much. I watch porn and I want to be that hot girl so bad. I look at other guys and I lust after them so hard my chest hurts. I see my penis and I hate it. But there's no way I'll ever say these things out loud. After all, these feelings are disgusting and wrong.

The entire deck was stacked against me from birth. I never had a chance at being happy. Maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much if I were normal, but that's not what happened. I'm me. I'm worthless. I hate myself. And things will never get better.

Thanks for reading this far. Sorry it wasn't more entertaining.

Wow, plz don't discount your own story and it blew me away. Sadly, many others have had the same experience and my hope for you is that perhaps you can connect with some other folks that share your experience. Best wishes.

 

[NatalLiminality]

I'm so sorry you had to suffer like this. Being trans is probably the hardest thing you can be. Hopefully, you find peace somehow

 

[Midgardsorm]

This was definitely rough to read.
You have my sympathies though I know they won't lift any weight of pain.

You have been through a lot, have been born in a traditional religious family. Unfortunately this was just child abuse. You were not able to have a fulfilling life thanks to your parents beliefs.

You're not worthless. You were a victim of this limited way of thinking. I'm deeply sorry.

For what you will do now. It depends on you, I just wish you find your peace. In whatever path you choose.



( Oh btw. Nice FF name and pf pic ^^ )

 

[Noctis]

( Oh btw. Nice FF name and pf pic ^^ )

Haha, thanks! It was my favorite FF game. Noctis was so strong and capable, yet his features were so soft and feminine. I loved that game.

 

[silentvoice]

Dude, I'm really sorry to hear your struggles man. I don't know how you identify, but I'm trans and I relate a lot to the whole hating my penis thing. I've prayed to god almost every night, wishing to turn female but with no response.

You don't need to apologize for anything. You aren't worthless or disgusting, you are made the way you are and there's nothing inheritably wrong with that. I sincerely hope that you get some relief in your life.

FFXV is a great game dude, my fave is Arenea.

 

[summers]

Haha, thanks! It was my favorite FF game. Noctis was so strong and capable, yet his features were so soft and feminine. I loved that game.

Funny enough, I only know Noctis from Tekken 7. But he is one of my fav characters in that game. Almost cheap/op if you know how to use him.

 

[Noctis]

Dude, I'm really sorry to hear your struggles man. I don't know how you identify, but I'm trans and I relate a lot to the whole hating my penis thing. I've prayed to god almost every night, wishing to turn female but with no response.

You don't need to apologize for anything. You aren't worthless or disgusting, you are made the way you are and there's nothing inheritably wrong with that. I sincerely hope that you get some relief in your life.

FFXV is a great game dude, my fave is Arenea.

I don't really know how I identify. I have never told anyone in person about my gender identity, and I present very cis and hetero. I definitely don't have the courage to transition, so I don't know what to call me.

 

[silentvoice]

I don't really know how I identify. I have never told anyone in person about my gender identity, and I present very cis and hetero. I definitely don't have the courage to transition, so I don't know what to call me.

It's alright to not really know how to identify. There's no real timeline when people figure out who they are or what they should be doing, it just happens. I transitioned at 18 I think but there are others as late as 50 who do it. Just focus on being yourself and trying to find the best way to obtain happiness in your position and you'll be alright.