Venting I Need Your Help Trying to Comprehend and Accept Non-existence Before the End

[OutOfTime]

On paper I understand non-existence. I don't believe in any religion or afterlife so I see it as the same as before I was born, going under anesthetic, or a dreamless sleep. There is no suffering, or awareness. It is just nothing. Not even the perception of nothing, no perception at all forever. Of course there is a part of me that asks "what if there is an afterlife, or something like that? What if it's even worse than life?" Even though I have no rational reason to believe there is, which also feels irrational and makes me anxious.

Despite knowing this when I try to imagine not existing, it makes me nervous and uncomfortable.

For some reason I keep trying to imagine an "afterwards". Like what happens after I stop existing, what will I see? I know there is nothing after, but I feel like there should be and I keep trying to imagine non-existence or what happens after. I keep trying to imagine non-existence through a lens of consciousness because that is the only way I know how to perceive things despite telling myself there is no consciousness and nothing to perceive in death and non-existence. There is nothing to imagine. It's comparable to trying to imagine a new color.

I've become so obsessed with it that I try to be aware of the moment I fall asleep at night and the moment I wake up as soon as possible, as if that will help fill in the blank and help me understand it better by analyzing the two points in time and the period between them. I keep trying to remember the time I was asleep (without dreams) as if there is anything to remember, but I know there isn't. What I know and what I feel are at odds and it is very unsettling. I did something similar when I went under anesthetic for a procedure. I couldn't even grasp the moment fell asleep, I was gone without even knowing it.

It's as if there is a void of information or sensation I keep trying to fill, but can't. Again, what I know and what I feel are at odds with each other and I don't like it. I've tried telling myself it's just like sleeping without dreams forever, or it will be as if the universe has come to an end, or as if eternity passes in an instant but nothing satisfies my uncontrollable desire to understand it beyond that. I suppose I feel that there should or must be an after because I have only ever seen things through the window of being alive and conscious and any other interpretation is incomprehensible to my limited experience.

My best solution so far is to tell myself "You won't suffer ever again after you die. There is no need to understand anything beyond that." I also think "You are going to die anyway, this isn't anything that would not happen to you eventually." This gives me the most comfort out of anything I've thought of so far, but I still feel like something is missing and it worries me.

I want to alleviate this anxiety as much as I can. I want my death to be peaceful, not dreading imponderables.

Can anyone help me come to peace with this? Has anyone else here had a similar experience?

 

[white_car]

Hey!

I believe you'll just have to let this one go... I mean, the realm of representation is vast, but it still has limits. And non-existence is beyond those limits.

It's not that we don't know *yet* what it might be like, and maybe someday when we're smarter we'll know. No, it just cannot be represented. Period.

It's a bit unsettling as you say, but at least it not the nasty crap hole we were born into...

 

[WakingNightmare]

I've been thinking about this too, and I have concluded that it is not something I can fully come to terms with as it is such an alien concept to anything I have experienced.
Objectively I was non existent prior to being born and it's not something you'd normally think about or acknowledge, but I would say that I cannot count that as something I experienced as there was no self to attribute the experience to.

And since when you don't exist there is no "self" to attribute any memories, track passages of time or conceptualise anything; if you don't believe in any afterlife you can take that as a so called end point. I don't think it can be compared to sleeping without dreams, I very rarely dream but my brain is still active and is aware that time has passed when I awake and I think thinking in terms of being asleep leads to the expectation of waking up at some point which is not going to happen (in this universe anyway).

The way I think about it is like the old computers used in the past, they had temporary memory for calculation and also games, word docs and other things stored in fixed memory. These computers will never be turned on again ie they will never perform calculations (think) and the files (memories) once had cannot be written to or accessed. Basically the computer's frame of consciousness would have been in its operating system, but now that it wont be turned on again it will no longer process things: nothing in, nothing out. If you take it as an end point there's no need to think about suffering ever again or understanding anything etc since your consciousness wont exist to anything and nothing will exist to your consciousness.

It's such a hard thing to conceptualise because your entire set of memories is based around your self existing, I think to myself "oh what will it be like when I am gone". And realistically I know that I wont experience anything if there is no afterlife and therefore it wont be like anything. But approach my understanding of the concept from the idea of my sense of self existing, which is the wrong way to think about it.

I dont know if I've helped you with anything but that's my meagre attempt to put my current understanding into words. Like you said it's going to happen to everyone anyway at some point, you are just changing the time that the event occurs. At that point either you move to some sort of afterlife and deal with that as it comes or everything for you will be finished and you won't know whether this universe still exists or not.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me non-existence is all that's positive and is all that's desirable, for me existence really does feel like a mistake that just causes harm and suffering and I'd be so relieved to be unconscious for all eternity, I just want to never suffer ever again with all finally gone and forgotten for me, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I believe this is a classic struggle for anyone who actually thinks about things, which most people here do. I've been through different stages and kinds of belief and unbelief. It's curious to me that these thoughts and struggles even occur to us. If we're just products of evolution driven by mathematics and physics, and if we exist because at the moment our species was a winner so far in every fight along the evolutionary battlefield, why did we "over evolve" like this? (I know there are attempts at explanations to that.) Currently I believe these sensations are because we're partly an eternal soul lurking around deep within and combined with our bodies. In any case, it's such a wildly strange thing that we even contemplate this. My choice would be eternal non-existence, just, not here anymore. I know this isn't helping, just sharing.

 

[Karera]

Looking back, I didn't mind not-existing before my birth in the slightest, we'll be alright.

 

[Mooncry]

Currently I believe these sensations are because we're partly an eternal soul lurking around deep within and combined with our bodies.

I agree with that, except I don't personally believe that having a soul is exclusive to humans. I believe most, if not all, living things have a soul in some way. Even things as small as ants could have a soul, although maybe it could be that hive-minded creatures like that share a singular soul? Trees are known to communicate with each other, as do fungi, etc., so maybe they also share collective souls amongst each other? I'm rambling, but it's an interesting thought.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

non-existence is the only guarantee of never suffering so bad it's a trillion times worse than the worst you can imagine

only in life can one suffer so bad it's a trillion times worse than you can imagine

non-existence forever is the antithesis of life and this evil world, so non-existence forever is the ultimate bliss

eternal non-existence is as good and as desired as the worst pain the worst suffering the worst torture is bad and unwanted

eternal non-existence is the only guarantee of never suffering so bad it's a trillion times worse than the worst you can imagine . non-existence forever is the only guaranteed of never suffering never any unbearable pain never any problems no bad memories ever. therefore permanent non-existence is the only perfection.

what is life ? cells, chemical reactions ,a machine . what am i ? cells, chemical reactions, a machine, a bug, an animal , a brain that can suffer unending constant unbearable pain . and they repeatedly tell us that is something beautiful

life: you have to work so hard every day a job and chores being a slave , just to be a slave , exist under threat of extreme torture . all to continue to be a slave , get old and be tortured by old age some disease or other nightmare. but they tell us non-existence is the bad thing .

i would never want to live / exist / be conscious under any circumstances. i despise evil life and this evil prison world and want nothing from it but to exit it asap. i want nothing from this evil prison world nor from evil life.

i believe 1 micro-second after my brain dies i will cease to exist forever finally to be free of this hell for all eternity