Venting I need to try to stay...

[Glockman]

...for the sake of my beautiful wife, but I'm afraid I might put myself over her in the end.

I've been pretty selfish most of my life, and despite that she truly loves me. It's hard dealing with the thought that in the end I might very well disappoint her just like the many other people in my life I have let down.

She knows of my suicidal thoughts, and knows of the current legal predicament I'm in. She supports me and is strong when I am not — which is most of the time. But deep down I know she is afraid...and it makes me angry to know that I am the cause of her fear. I hate fear.

It could be days or months away, or maybe I survive this. But every day I walk in fear and sometimes I just don't feel like doing this anymore, but for her, it would have already been done.

I don't know how long I will be a part of the forum, but writing this (with tears flowing) helps just a little.

 

[NickStanfield]

@Glockman -I could have written your post line for line. It hard to be so strong for so long, especially for others. Take things one day at a time and do what you can do.

 

[Return2Dust]

...for the sake of my beautiful wife, but I'm afraid I might put myself over her in the end.

I've been pretty selfish most of my life, and despite that she truly loves me. It's hard dealing with the thought that in the end I might very well disappoint her just like the many other people in my life I have let down.

She knows of my suicidal thoughts, and knows of the current legal predicament I'm in. She supports me and is strong when I am not — which is most of the time. But deep down I know she is afraid...and it makes me angry to know that I am the cause of her fear. I hate fear.

It could be days or months away, or maybe I survive this. But every day I walk in fear and sometimes I just don't feel like doing this anymore, but for her, it would have already been done.

I don't know how long I will be a part of the forum, but writing this (with tears flowing) helps just a little.

I read your previous post about your addiction. Have you joined an anonymous group for help with the addiction? Do you have good legal help? Talking about your fears with her might help.

 

[Glockman]

I read your previous post about your addiction. Have you joined an anonymous group for help with the addiction? Do you have good legal help? Talking about your fears with her might help.

I do have legal help, though expensive. My addiction is just one problem I struggle with. I have sought treatment in the past. Didn't help much.

I can (and have) shared with her about my fears. It helps but it loads on her at the same time. :(

 

[Return2Dust]

I do have legal help, though expensive. My addiction is just one problem I struggle with. I have sought treatment in the past. Didn't help much.

I can (and have) shared with her about my fears. It helps but it loads on her at the same time. :(

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like a caring and compassionate person with a wonderful wife. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find comfort here.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Welcome! I am sorry that you are going through all of this. This is a very caring community, so please reach out when you are overwhelmed.

I read your previous post about your addiction. Have you joined an anonymous group for help with the addiction?

If you find anonymous (12 step) groups unhelpful, there is also: smartrecovery.org
It has been around for 25 years, and is evidence-based on knowledge about addiction and neuroscience. When I was in recovery, it was my go-to. PM me if you want information. Sending peace and hope,

 

[WingedFallen]

Love means taking on each other's burdens sometimes, even when they are heavy. I can almost guarantee that she truly, deeply, would rather help you carry your burdens than not have you anymore. Use her strength, and don't feel guilty for it. There may come a day when it is she that needs her burdens carried instead. And that is love, that is committment. 'In sickness and in health', right?

I know what it feels like to be crushed by letting others down. In fact the mental anguish I feel from my story of that is the chief reason why I joined this site. I don't know how my story ends yet, but I hope you manage to find a way through. It sounds like you've got a great person standing with you who loves you warts and all.