Venting I need to get this off my chest

[javie33]

I'm desperate at this point my deepest trauma this turned everything for me I won't give away my identity or hers for privacy reasons but I was dating this woman I Honstely loved her like she came first before everything but I also hurt her several times I apologized begged for her back she came back every time we were meant for each other until I got a call late night some time in November we talked it was about our lives and how we wanted to ctb because of each other it started to get heated and i started yelling she started yelling but suddenly she mentioned her dad's gun I was confused because we weren't on the topic then she told me she wanted to face time the first thing I saw was her sitting on her bed holding the gun she holding a note in her other hand she started reading out loud it was her goodbye she word for word ended with "although I loved u, u hurt me and broke me in ways I can't fix this is your fault because u don't change I thought u would tonight but I was wrong it's all your fault" without hesitation she looked at me through the camera pointing the gun at her head and shooting the trigger I watched her brains splatter on the wall I couldn't stop the tears from rolling the moment playing over and over in my head it was vile I puked over and over thinking about it seeing it on repeat her parents rushing to her room while yelling it was horrible I stopped using my phone for a while after this it was my fault I still have flash backs from me begging for her not to pull the trigger the sight is something I cant put into words I think about her everyday I cry my self to sleep most nights I need help I'll never be able to love again and its all my fault am I holding her back in the after life because I won't let go I don't know but selfishly I don't care I plan on ctb pretty soon like I mentioned before but I dont think I could hold a weapon especially a gun after that she was the love of my life I told a few people about this but the responses I got were not making it easier it was either awkward reassurance or blaming me and saying that I'm some sick asshole I just need someone to listen
I feel empty without her no doubt some fucked up things have happened to me that made me attempt ctb before this but Holy fuck this was a new time low I started watching snuff flims to feel something now I have became numb I miss her I'm nothing without her I don't know what to do anymore now I just have meaningless flings because I can't make connections after this I thought my trust issues were bad before but now it's a whole new level

 

[Sulyya]

Don't know what to say, that sounds like such an awful experience.

If it helps even a small bit, I don't think you are holding her soul back or anything like you asked - whatever happened in her life is the past, and she is certainly at peace. If you can rest even a small bit at that idea, I hope it helps. Best wishes.

 

[javie33]

Don't know what to say, that sounds like such an awful experience.

If it helps even a small bit, I don't think you are holding her soul back or anything like you asked - whatever happened in her life is the past, and she is certainly at peace. If you can rest even a small bit at that idea, I hope it helps. Best wishes.

Thank you it's helps a little just to hear response it's enough

 

[ExistHarm]

fuck, man.....fuck. please take it easy on yourself. as sulyya said, she is at peace now. i hope you can find peace at some point.

 

[loneliestman]

That's a heart wrenching story my friend. I truly feel for you.
Like sulyya said, I too don't believe that you are holding her soul anywhere. She's gone to meet her maker and you have no power to stop that from happening. Her time of judgment has come as will everyone's.
It seems like you and this woman had one of those crazy love hate relationships but it's clear that you did love each other. I was in one like that for many years and they were the best and worst years of my life and she too was the love of my life. I made mistakes and pushed her away by making bad choices and I'll live with that forever but it doesn't compare to what happened to you.
Given that you too are someone who thinks about CTB regularly you surely get that although your final argument got heated and she did what she did. She was going to do it anyway. I can't presume to know what goes on in another persons mind however it seems that regardless of that argument, she was already preparing to carry out her CTB and perhaps had some trauma of her own that she couldn't cope with. I know it's sad to say, but maybe she just wanted to have power over you in that moment and she did what did. She said she blamed you for things and thought you'd change, but clearly she needed to change a little too and she took that opportunity away from both of you. That doesn't make it your fault, you didn't pull the trigger and you said that you begged her to stop.
I think what your going through with everything since then is perfectly normal. You are basically suffering from PTSD and you should really reach out to a professional to address those thoughts and feelings. They tend not to resolve themselves and usually lead to isolation and drug and alcohol abuse.
Ask yourself this, had you been there in person that night, would you have stopped her from using the gun? My guess is that you would have done everything in your power to do so. After all she's the love of your life.
I think you need to find a really good friend or a professional to talk about all this with. Someone who won't judge you but instead listen to you and help you to try to understand the feelings that you are having.
For what it's worth, it doesn't sound to me that you are a sick asshole. It sounds like your a troubled person who is now dealing with even more trauma and you just need a little help to figure out how to live again and maybe even forgive yourself someday for whatever part you may have played in the woman's death. I think it's important to remember that she changed to FaceTime and she had the note written already and she had the gun ready and that she pulled the trigger. Unfortunately for you, she laid out a very effective plan, one in which she wanted to hurt you but her ultimate goal was to CTB and you didn't make that happen.
I hope that you reach out to someone and that you get the help you deserve. If you don't have anyone, please feel free to DM me and I'm happy to listen. Love yourself buddy and know that you'll learn to live with this in your own way and that someday you'll see her again and get the answers you need from her. Until then I suggest you try to take each day as it come. A small step in the right direction is better than no steps at all.

 

[javie33]

That's a heart wrenching story my friend. I truly feel for you.
Like sulyya said, I too don't believe that you are holding her soul anywhere. She's gone to meet her maker and you have no power to stop that from happening. Her time of judgment has come as will everyone's.
It seems like you and this woman had one of those crazy love hate relationships but it's clear that you did love each other. I was in one like that for many years and they were the best and worst years of my life and she too was the love of my life. I made mistakes and pushed her away by making bad choices and I'll live with that forever but it doesn't compare to what happened to you.
Given that you too are someone who thinks about CTB regularly you surely get that although your final argument got heated and she did what she did. She was going to do it anyway. I can't presume to know what goes on in another persons mind however it seems that regardless of that argument, she was already preparing to carry out her CTB and perhaps had some trauma of her own that she couldn't cope with. I know it's sad to say, but maybe she just wanted to have power over you in that moment and she did what did. She said she blamed you for things and thought you'd change, but clearly she needed to change a little too and she took that opportunity away from both of you. That doesn't make it your fault, you didn't pull the trigger and you said that you begged her to stop.
I think what your going through with everything since then is perfectly normal. You are basically suffering from PTSD and you should really reach out to a professional to address those thoughts and feelings. They tend not to resolve themselves and usually lead to isolation and drug and alcohol abuse.
Ask yourself this, had you been there in person that night, would you have stopped her from using the gun? My guess is that you would have done everything in your power to do so. After all she's the love of your life.
I think you need to find a really good friend or a professional to talk about all this with. Someone who won't judge you but instead listen to you and help you to try to understand the feelings that you are having.
For what it's worth, it doesn't sound to me that you are a sick asshole. It sounds like your a troubled person who is now dealing with even more trauma and you just need a little help to figure out how to live again and maybe even forgive yourself someday for whatever part you may have played in the woman's death. I think it's important to remember that she changed to FaceTime and she had the note written already and she had the gun ready and that she pulled the trigger. Unfortunately for you, she laid out a very effective plan, one in which she wanted to hurt you but her ultimate goal was to CTB and you didn't make that happen.
I hope that you reach out to someone and that you get the help you deserve. If you don't have anyone, please feel free to DM me and I'm happy to listen. Love yourself buddy and know that you'll learn to live with this in your own way and that someday you'll see her again and get the answers you need from her. Until then I suggest you try to take each day as it come. A small step in the right direction is better than no steps at all.

Thank you I think I do need to seek professional help but I tried they just put me on meds and sent me on my way plus I'm super busy but your words helped trying to take it one step at a time your response means alot

 

[loneliestman]

Thank you I think I do need to seek professional help but I tried they just put me on meds and sent me on my way plus I'm super busy but your words helped trying to take it one step at a time your response means alot

I'm glad my words helped. And I meant what I said. DM me anytime if you need someone

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrific what you had to go through and it must be really painful to have to deal with. Life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel, but anyway I wish you the best.