Venting I NEED to ctb tonight

[theangelswept]

my apartments are doing routine check ups for the AC vents and fire alarms ((they do this once a year)) I am so stressed out by this every single year. I am dirt poor and barely make enough money to survive from my job so I also do SW on the side which brings me an extra few hundred dollars a month that I get to spend on rent in this terrible little apartment. My partner is currently cleaning in anticipation for this and I have been helping also. It is our anniversary tomorrow. I have no idea what to do. I want to ctb more than anything but I'm too scared to do it I wish something would just happen to me like a giant meteor leveling my apartment or like a car crash where everyone lives except me. Se sort of illness maybe that takes you in your sleep silently or getting struck by lightning. I just want it to be sudden and quick and not by my own hands. I am so traumatized by finding my mother after she had a failed attempt and she was covered in vomit and pills. I cannot go that way anymore. I need a new way. I need to be sedated somehow this is all too much.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, never suffering again in this existence is all I personally hope for. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the freedom you search for.