Devils_candY
Afraid of life... scared to sleep...
- Oct 23, 2020
- 46
Hey y'all,
It's been some time since I've traversed these beautiful pages. I honestly thought I could stay away. Even considering a self ban. Couldn't do it, just like I can't quite seem to metaphorically pull the trigger while it's pressed against my distraught head. For me, as well as, I'm sure, most of you it's a ground hog day of bland pain and increasing desperation with a kick of frustration. To those that don't know what a ground hog day is or stands for, basically it's repetition, every day waking up in the same day, over and over, again and again... tell me that's not cruel when all you can think about is ending this incredible pain you go through? Shit!!¡¡!!
Anyway, on to the topic at hand. Im 35 years old. I have 3 children. 2 of which are still alive. I was married to a beautiful woman who is now dead... my wife and daughter both committed suicide... and I don't know what in this cruel world im waiting for.... my daughter would have been 17 a month ago. My youngest is 12, she's beautiful and increasingly strong. My son is 14. These are my anchors, my rocks, but I still choose escape. I choose to be an alteration addict. Mind you, not a drug addict, an alteration addict. I cannot honestly face a day in my life without doing something to alert my perception of it. Has this stopped me in life? Absolutely not. I make good money, real good money. I drive a 73 thousand dollar Jdm. I graduated an ivy league institution with twin degrees... my addiction, so to speak, hasn't stopped the way I want to live. If I wanted to live in the gutter, I certainly could. Do I look down on people who do live that way? Hell fu**ing no! I was homeless in Chicago for years, summer and winter, begging for money just to buy a bag of heroin. I should enterprise upon this moment here... I'm not bragging. Im trying to make a point. Im no better than you. Having money and a life doesn't mean im happier. Just because drug addicts are synonymous with filth and degradation doesn't mark that fact as all to common.
We, well I, approach life on these terms. I cannot wake up without crying. I cannot fall asleep without crying. I cannot hug my daughter without thinking of my deceased daughter. I cannot do many things both my neighbors do with ease. To be brutally honest, I cannot do life as myself, without altering myself... at all. Again, I'm 35. When I was 12 I tried to ctb for the first time. From that point on things got worse, sometimes by the day. At 14 I was using heroin and smoking weed daily. At 19 I was using heroin and drinking daily... I overdosed intentionally and accidentally 15 times in 4 years until I finally cleaned up to attend what turned into 6 of university.
It's like I can't properly fill the right tires of my car and I end up going in circles, concentric at times, but circles none the less. I always end up at the same thought, "hey you idiot, just Catch the Fu**ing Bus already!" That then spurs the next thought, "I wonder where my dealer is..."
I can't, and refuse to live a day in life without an alteration. I know why, so I'm not that idiot that goes, "shit man, I dunno why." I'm the original philosopher, lol, who gets a little too tipsy off the absinthe and jumps head first into a rock. (I'm deathly afraid of heights lol)
Can any of you relate? Or am I alone to suffer my I'll fated demise... just to put it into writing... I know I deserve what's coming to me. I am punished and have been for over 20 years because of my past. I just wanted to see if anyone felt like me...
p.s. im really into self harm. Especially cutting. Im kinda looking to share that with someone in common if anyone is willing. Please though, don't bash me or discredit me for being the way I am. I'd never dream of doing that to any of you.
It's been some time since I've traversed these beautiful pages. I honestly thought I could stay away. Even considering a self ban. Couldn't do it, just like I can't quite seem to metaphorically pull the trigger while it's pressed against my distraught head. For me, as well as, I'm sure, most of you it's a ground hog day of bland pain and increasing desperation with a kick of frustration. To those that don't know what a ground hog day is or stands for, basically it's repetition, every day waking up in the same day, over and over, again and again... tell me that's not cruel when all you can think about is ending this incredible pain you go through? Shit!!¡¡!!
Anyway, on to the topic at hand. Im 35 years old. I have 3 children. 2 of which are still alive. I was married to a beautiful woman who is now dead... my wife and daughter both committed suicide... and I don't know what in this cruel world im waiting for.... my daughter would have been 17 a month ago. My youngest is 12, she's beautiful and increasingly strong. My son is 14. These are my anchors, my rocks, but I still choose escape. I choose to be an alteration addict. Mind you, not a drug addict, an alteration addict. I cannot honestly face a day in my life without doing something to alert my perception of it. Has this stopped me in life? Absolutely not. I make good money, real good money. I drive a 73 thousand dollar Jdm. I graduated an ivy league institution with twin degrees... my addiction, so to speak, hasn't stopped the way I want to live. If I wanted to live in the gutter, I certainly could. Do I look down on people who do live that way? Hell fu**ing no! I was homeless in Chicago for years, summer and winter, begging for money just to buy a bag of heroin. I should enterprise upon this moment here... I'm not bragging. Im trying to make a point. Im no better than you. Having money and a life doesn't mean im happier. Just because drug addicts are synonymous with filth and degradation doesn't mark that fact as all to common.
We, well I, approach life on these terms. I cannot wake up without crying. I cannot fall asleep without crying. I cannot hug my daughter without thinking of my deceased daughter. I cannot do many things both my neighbors do with ease. To be brutally honest, I cannot do life as myself, without altering myself... at all. Again, I'm 35. When I was 12 I tried to ctb for the first time. From that point on things got worse, sometimes by the day. At 14 I was using heroin and smoking weed daily. At 19 I was using heroin and drinking daily... I overdosed intentionally and accidentally 15 times in 4 years until I finally cleaned up to attend what turned into 6 of university.
It's like I can't properly fill the right tires of my car and I end up going in circles, concentric at times, but circles none the less. I always end up at the same thought, "hey you idiot, just Catch the Fu**ing Bus already!" That then spurs the next thought, "I wonder where my dealer is..."
I can't, and refuse to live a day in life without an alteration. I know why, so I'm not that idiot that goes, "shit man, I dunno why." I'm the original philosopher, lol, who gets a little too tipsy off the absinthe and jumps head first into a rock. (I'm deathly afraid of heights lol)
Can any of you relate? Or am I alone to suffer my I'll fated demise... just to put it into writing... I know I deserve what's coming to me. I am punished and have been for over 20 years because of my past. I just wanted to see if anyone felt like me...
p.s. im really into self harm. Especially cutting. Im kinda looking to share that with someone in common if anyone is willing. Please though, don't bash me or discredit me for being the way I am. I'd never dream of doing that to any of you.
