[ ] I really, really need to tell someone, anyone who doesn't KNOW me, my story. I have, for decades, needed one person, just one, to understand me, my depression, and just LISTEN, without me feeling guilty, like I'm burdening someone, without telling me it's a passing phase or thought, without trying to talk me out of it. I've ALWAYS had s.i., the earliest memory is when I was still in a car seat. My biomom was abusive and a drunk, one night she drove intoxicated, and we ended up in an accident, where my car seat, flipped upside down, and I remember thinking even then, why couldn't I have just died. Obviously back then, I didn't understand the thought process. My one brother used carbon monoxide as a way to escape, when I was close to 5yo. I didn't know the details then, but in my late teens, it was revealed what happened. The majority of my family suffers from some type of depression. I've hid mine for YEARS. I heard talks when I was younger, and I didn't want people talking about me the way they were talking about others, I didn't want the looks of pity. No where did I see anyone show understanding or compassion. So, for the first 35 years of my life, I was REALLY good at hiding it. I did see therapists, one in my teens for a few months, and one as a young adult, during my first marriage. It was the same old hub-bub, I didn't need to dig deep into my soul to know what triggers me, or the depression. I didn't want coping mechanisms or meds. I've stayed away from alcohol, or very moderately partook, because substance abuse also runs in my family. I've STAYED for everyone, and always have put my wants and needs to the back. I married again, and with 2 kids from my previous marriage, we made a life. But the depression has gotten worse over the years, the s.i. comes almost every day. I've faked it for so long, my husband, who also suffers from depression, didn't even know I had it until 3 years ago. I took acting classes in high school, learned to pretend, that I was always happy. I remember when Robin Williams finally got his relief, and how everyone was so shocked, how much I related to him and the situation. I was even sadder, because if someone, who can afford all the help in the world, has everything people strive for, and he still felt the way I did, that I was never going to hit a turning point in my life. For years, I had been pretending to be so strong, so my husband and kids didn't know, didn't worry, so I could be there for them, even though I felt and still feel alone. My husband's "bouts" as I call them, his downs, set me in a tail spin that makes me feel like I've become manic. I've always just been whatever I felt was needed, for everyone. My kids are now adults, I've done my job as a mom. And I've been there for my husband for the last 14 years, but all that we have and had, is never enough. 3 years ago, he told me i was the reason he hasnt taken his own life, and what I've done will let him know I wasn't worth it, and it makes me feel guilty that I have been the reason he suffers almost every day and even though I didn't mean to, he's going to be devastated. We're middle class, all from hard work, we both started over from scratch after our previous relationships crashed, and we reconnected after 7 years of no contact. We have a nice house. Good jobs, vehicles, a boat. Its never enough for him. He feels like we haven't made it, but that was one of the things keeping me here. Him, our life, although his downs brought me down, still do, thoughts of him, being with him, had been one of the things that made me stay on this earth, i literally am head over heels in love with him. But, I have done something so selfish and stupid, that it is no longer just s.i., I have seriously researched my escape. I have to escape, because when and if he finds out what I have been doing the last 3 years, I won't be able to look him, my children, or myself in the face. I have been claiming exempt on my payroll so that I could have money to play with. For years before we bought the house, it was always about pinching pennies, no vacations, no nice things. We got promotions, raises, second jobs, saved. Which I appreciated the idea, but I went from one relationship where I lived the same way, but with no goal, just my ex spending all the money. I know how it feels to be on the other end, so I have no logical reason why I've done what I've done. But we haven't filed taxes in a few years, and he's now mentioning that it has to be done. We haven't filed, because the "Deadlines" are for people who owe, and since we had been getting a return every year(because for 10 years, I had been having them take extra out of my wages to cover his taxes for his wages as he works independently) he didn't find it necessary to file because we didn't need the money. With everything going on in today's economy, he's mentioning how we could use the money. But I haven't been paying taxes, and we're talking close to 30k worth, i won't be able to look him in the eye when he finds out, he'll probably want to justifiably kill be, but I already want to die, I've just stayed around for him and the kids, and I don't want to witness when he finds out the truth. This is going to be the straw the broke the camels back for me. I've done my own research, I want to go quick, not messy, and with minimal pain. I don't want to tell any of my friends or family what is really going on, because there is no solution to the mess I've caused. I guess I got self destructive, I've given myself so many reasons to take action rather than just the ideology of it. And although I've always wanted to, I've always talked myself out of actually following thru. I've written good bye notes in the past, threw them out, burned them. I wrote some a few months ago, to my husband, my kids, my mom and mother in law. But 3 years of destructive behavior, is again, putting the nail in my coffin. I purposely have never filled out my beneficiary forms for my stocks (that I cannot cash in until I leave my job, so I can't use them as a solution to this mess I've created) because I didn't want to have all of my affairs in order, I knew I couldn't leave if I left the paperwork void. But, I'm ready, I've really backed myself into a corner. I crushed my husband's dreams, and not on purpose, but I did know if I continued, what the outcome would be, and I just couldn't stop. I got a small amount of joy from purchasing things, but then I would feel guilty, and it put me in a vicious, vicious cycle. I'm relieved, because now I HAVE to go, but I am so remorseful that my actions, not my death, will possibly be the breaking point for my husband as well, and that's why I can no longer play this faking it until I make it, this act I've been putting on for decades. It has made me physically ill with a heart condition, and my mental state is at the worst it's ever been. I've looked for so many outs....again, not messy, not complicated, not painful, and quick. I looked into helium, nitrogen, sodium nitrite, but so many regulations have been placed on them, they will not be effective. I've never been a person who takes medications, so there's no stash of pills, and I really hate doctors, so trying to get to a Dr and all of that is too long of a process. This forum has realllllllllyyyyy helped me, I saw a post of taping corn hole bags to your arteries, basically a self imposed sleeper hold or a "blood choke" as the post I saw called it. Thank you, thank you so much for that post. I spent my lunch break reading, watching videos, on how to find the sweet spot, and found it while hiding in the bathroom. I cannot tell you the relief I felt, when after trying for 10 minutes, I finally made it where I started seeing spots, and I was HAPPY, that I finally found a method that I can accomplish. So, I cannot say thank you enough for this forum and for the poster who wrote that very helpful post. I have all of the materials I need. Tuesday, before work, I will start my letters again, Tuesday at work I will finally fill out and mail my beneficiary form. And as soon as my husband asks for my w2s, I will "accidently" forget until my next day off that he is at work, and then, just as the post I saw said, I will perform my own choke hold, and finally be released from all of this. If anyone actually reads this, or is curious as to my progress as my end goal nears, I will try to update. Thank you, for being that someone to hear my story.
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I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through. Your childhood sounded so difficult and I think so many things just follow us from that stage. I can completely understand why you have become such a people pleaser in a way as a result and it must just have been so exhausting. I wonder if the stuff with the money was just a form of rebellion in a way- do you think? Finally, a chance to treat yourself? I don't know. I'm not a psychologist.
Either way though- I know it doesn't help. It does sound like you're under a huge amount of pressure with this. I wish I knew what to say to help. I just wouldn't know how to advise you, although I don't think you even want advise really I guess. I so hope you can find resolution in all this- whatever decision you come to. I agree though- this forum is such a relief for people who know they want out but want to at least give themselves the best chance at succeeding and not making matters worse for themselves. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
Either way though- I know it doesn't help. It does sound like you're under a huge amount of pressure with this. I wish I knew what to say to help. I just wouldn't know how to advise you, although I don't think you even want advise really I guess. I so hope you can find resolution in all this- whatever decision you come to. I agree though- this forum is such a relief for people who know they want out but want to at least give themselves the best chance at succeeding and not making matters worse for themselves. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do.
Thank you for hearing my story, at least the abridged version I posted here. Yes, childhood was difficult, and the affects have definitely followed me. I definitely am a people pleaser and the stems from never feeling loved despite loving with my whole heart. There's literally dozens of examples I could give as to why I feel that way. And yes, the money spending was partly rebellion, but also, it was my coping mechanism, buy a very toxic one, but I couldn't and can't seem to stop. Again, ty for being one of the people to hear my story.
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Thank you for hearing my story, at least the abridged version I posted here. Yes, childhood was difficult, and the affects have definitely followed me. I definitely am a people pleaser and the stems from never feeling loved despite loving with my whole heart. There's literally dozens of examples I could give as to why I feel that way. And yes, the money spending was partly rebellion, but also, it was my coping mechanism, buy a very toxic one, but I couldn't and can't seem to stop. Again, ty for being one of the people to hear my story.
I've written my notes. Another note to my husband of a detailed timeliness, best I can recall any way. I don't want him to always wonder what exactly had me make my decisions. I'll finally fill out the beneficiary paperwork tonight and mail it off tomorrow. I've been practicing trying to find the sweet spot and it's been very frustrating because I can't find it again, that alone has me in tears, because I need that method to work. I could always use a gun, but I don't want to leave a mess. My other option, is that we do have wooded areas, some isolated, so the authorities would be the ones cleaning up, but I really would prefer my original method. As soon as he talking again about paper work, I'll have to take care of all of my mess. I'm calm about it, minus the not being able to find the spot again. I keep looking at my husband the last few days, and I pray that when i go, he can keep it together. He doesn't deserve the pain all of this is about to cause.
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