Help I need some advice

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This might get kinda long. I also don't know if I should've put this in off-topic or suicide-discussions.

Right now I'm at a place similar to a mental facility ( i can't find a proper English word for it). The child welfare is involved, and I have to decide where to live.
I've narrowed things down to three different options.
1) I move to a foster family, leaving my mom and brother alone. This way I would only think about myself. My brother will likely struggle (to say it in a nice way). When it comes to my mom; I don't know. I doubt she'd really care.
Based on earlier experiences, I'd likely try to totally isolate myself from my entire family as a way of starting over. If I'd have times when I'd visit my brother he would maybe get angry and sad at me.

2) I move to a foster family and convince the child welfare that my brother isn't safe at home and should stay with me. Now, let's say it works and he gets to be with me. First of all, my mom would have to deal with a lot of paperwork trying to make him stay with her. This would be stressful. She also really likes her son and might be devastated/sad if she'd lose both her children. My brother would have to deal with the stress of my mom, which could make his life worse.
Now, let's say he moved to me. What if he doesn't want this. He is really young and might not have an opinion yet, but once he gets a little older, he might think that he never wanted to move away from mom. I don't want to make such a choice for him. I don't want to decide if he should stay with mom or with me.
If I choose this option I think about me and my brother, but not my mom. I would also technically think more about myself than my brother since I'd make a choice for him without knowing what's best.

3) I stay at home and am there for my brother. I think about my brother and my mom, more than I think about myself.
The problems: my anger, mood swings, "character-swings", and depersonalization/derealization leading to me doing things and saying things without being able to think of the consequences.

Something that might be smart to keep in mind would maybe be that I also gotta have the chance of killing myself. It might be harder to ctb at home rather than a foster family, and vice-versa.

If you would have to choose, what would you choose? Also, if you wanna add things that you think could happen if I choose one option instead of the others, feel free to write them.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

How old are you? How old is your brother?

 

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How old are you? How old is your brother?

He's 6, I'm 19
Can I ask you, how is that relevant?

 

[HopeDiesLast]

Way too many factors to consider here. It's difficult to give any meaningful advice without knowing all the circumstances.

But what I CAN tell you is that your second alternative is a really really bad idea for a myriad of reasons. For one, even if he's removed from your mother there's no way he would be placed with you or in your care.

So that leaves you with options one and three to consider -- assuming that you are even free to choose. The authorities may make that decision for you.
I'd say choose whichever option feels like would be most conducive to YOUR mental health, well-being and future development. Unless YOU are better (no angry/abusive/violent episodes etc), you're not going to be able to make your little brother's life any better, nor be able to help your mom.

Honestly, with what you're describing, you have enough on your plate. My advice is to focus on your own health and recovery. And that's NOT being "selfish". It ultimately is in everyone's best interest.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best!

 

[TAW122]

As @HopeDiesLast said, it is hard to come with a good decision, but I agree that option 2 is really bad because there is no good outcome there, and for options 1 and 3, it's a difficult choice. Living with a foster family is variable, so you might get a good family and things could improve, or a bad family and things get worse. Staying at home caring for your mother and still being with your brother could be helpful for him, but also as you mentioned, your own problems (mood swings, depersonalization, anger, etc.) would get in the way, and also that you want to have the ability to CTB easier if you choose to. Therefore, maybe option 1 might be the better of the two choices, but I don't know all the details, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

[jgm63]

He's 6, I'm 19
Can I ask you, how is that relevant?

It's relevant simply because it helps somebody to build a mental picture of what is going on, to then be able to suggest possible advice....

 

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It's relevant simply because it helps somebody to build a mental picture of what is going on, to then be able to suggest possible advice....

Got it, thanks

 

[Quarky00]

I don't know if I understand correctly, but if you come back home that would stress your family, due to anger issues etc? .... Forgive me if I misunderstood, it's very complicated situation.

What's the reason was child welfare involved? That may shed more light :)

 

[jgm63]

Got it, thanks

Welcome
I hope you make good progress on your issues (I'm assuming they are genuine issues ? Sometimes people get labelled with issues that they don't really have)
You write very well and sound very intelligent....

 

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Welcome
I hope you make good progress on your issues (I'm assuming they are genuine issues ? Sometimes people get labelled with issues that they don't really have)
You write very well and sound very intelligent....

Thanks. I don't think anybody's said that before

 

[jgm63]

Thanks. I don't think anybody's said that before

That's such a pity and indicates that perhaps the environments you've been in up to now have not been optimal in terms of giving encouragement or recognising potential.
Being in a less loving environment can have a profound impact on a person's psyche, and can lead to many problems.
Perhaps you can spend some time here with us on this forum, and receive some "SS love"
Hopefully it might have a healing effect....

 

[detached]

I don't know if I understand correctly, but if you come back home that would stress your family, due to anger issues etc? .... Forgive me if I misunderstood, it's very complicated situation.

What's the reason was child welfare involved? That may shed more light :)

Yeah, I guess you could say it like that.

I rather don't wanna say much about why child welfare is involved other than because of my history of being abused. The less info I leak about my life, the smaller the chance that someone who knows me finds me on this site. I hope you understand.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If it were me and the situation were exactly as you describe it, I would take the first option.

First, I would need to take care of myself. I would not have the resources to care for my brother or mother, and it seems the environment exacerbates the problems so that self-care is not possible.

Secondly, this is my personal experience with regard to a situation related to the decision about your brother. A few years ago, I was briefly close to a family with two kids aged 5 and 7. The mother had a medical condition in which she barely functioned, and her abusive boyfriend was supporting and barely caring for her and the kids, and was manipulative and abusive in various ways to all of them. He attempted to bully me, but I stood up to him, and twice for each of the kids. I tried to advocate for the kids and for herself to the mother, but she was not able to see things as they were nor seek alternative solutions. She was verbally abusive to the boy, and allowed the boyfriend to strike and verbally abuse (bully) the boy but not the girl, he was sneakier about bullying the girl. There were indications but not proof that more was happening. I had to decide whether or not to report the situation to child services. I decided not to based on three factors. One, if the children were removed, they would be separated as had previously happened; the kids have different fathers, and the girl had family to take her in, while the boy would return to foster care, and in both situations, the kids had been abused and had not yet recovered. Second, I have researched, and it seems that kids need some predictability and attachment, that it is less destabilizing to expect and receive abuse from one's parent, and to remain in the environment with the parent they are attached to, than to be go into a new environment that, based on the system in the US, had strong potential to be abusive and even more destabilizing. Third, I knew the system itself would be traumatizing to the kids with the questioning, dealing with law enforcement and the judicial system, and the difficult choices they would have to make about telling, and later taking blame or blaming themselves for their mom and/or the boyfriend being punished. It was just too much burden for them, so I did not report. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but I feel confident it was the best one I could. While I was around, I tried to be a supportive and stabilizing inflience for the kids, and then I had to extricate for my own well-being. I did not have the financial stability to become a foster parent or I would have likely reported if I could have had them in my care. Therefore, if it were me in your situation, I would leave your brother where he is until there is evidence that staying with your mother is definitely more detrimental than being under the control of the system.

Thirdly, you cannot guarantee that your brother will be placed with you, and you will age out of the system. He will then be vulnerable without you there to protect him. And it's going to take time for you to become independent, with stable financial support and housing, and learn the skills to be personally stable. It would add too much pressure I think to try to achieve these goals if you added a goal of trying to set things up so that you could support your brother, too. Not that you've said that's an option in the scenario, but if you take on the responsibility in option two, it seems likely you will continue in the cycle of trying to remain responsible for him.

Lastly, you cannot predict in the first option how your brother will react to you. He will likely go through a lot of different emotions and thoughts over time. He is still going through various developmental stages that will impact how he processes. He will have a variety of influences, hopefully some will be stabilizing and rational. I would focus on myself and meeting my own needs, and trying to accept him as he is, where he is, which over the long term will have a positive impact on him. It will also set an example of not taking on responsibility for others' issues that he cannot control and taking responsibility for one's own well-being; this will empower him rather than fixing his problems for him, which you cannot because it is outside of your ability to control. He may not understand it or agree now, but I think you are setting a good example for him with option 1 and will have a better impact on him long term.

I hope my perspective helped in some way. I tried to answer according to how you were requesting. I send you empathy and emotional support. I agree that you seem intelligent. You've reasoned out all of this very well.