Help I need some advice

[Reflection]

This might be a long post so I hope whoever reads this takes the time. As of now I'm planning to CTB on October 2nd around 2 am. I'm extremely tired from my pain, and certain that if there's no way to take it away, then this is what I want to do.

Context: I know the reason sounds from "stupid" to at the very least "not enough" to some, given it is about a relationship, and that's fine, I cannot control what others think. However, I can assure everyone that I've done my very best to get over it for a year now, and I'm still stuck, I'm also not looking at things from rose tinted glasses, while that person was wonderful in many ways, they did hurt me and they are as flawed as any other ordinary human. I also know that I could find someone else, with whom things might work out. Even so, that's all besides the issue.

To me human beings are irreplaceable, we aren't goods to be replaced, that's a core belief and something within me since childhood, and I also find that the pain from that severed bond is not healing, even after many attempts and an extended period of time...to me that is enough, I've been patient for as long as I could and I'm actually proud of myself for holding on this long, I remember every moment during the past year and how hard it was, yet I cannot hold on much longer.

What now? if there's truly nothing I can do about it, then I'm prepared to go, even though I actually don't want to die and have many things and unfulfilled dreams I will be leaving behind, the pain makes it ao that none of it matters much anymore...I've also tried all I could to have her talk to me and figure things out reasonably and slowly, but she wouldn't listen and at a time of weakness even gave out my sucidial feelings. Which was met with cutthroat coldness.

I skipped college today to buy the ligature I need for my method, I also cut communication with everyone, save for an account with which I tried communicating with her on. I know none of this is okay, but all I want is for her to stand besides me the way I did for her before...I know life is unfair and that nobody should ever find themselves in such a situation, but I cannot for the life of me imagine a life where someone else lives the life we once envisioned together...the flames may be in my head but the fuel is as real as it can be.

I also understand the consequences of my CTB may also impact her life and that of my family, and I don't want to hurt anybody or cause them any pain. I just wish for a chance to a peaceful resolution, that is all.

Is there anything I can do about this at this point? Whatever it may be?

Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

Have reached out to a support divorce group? That seems to help some people.

 

[Reflection]

Have reached out to a support divorce group? That seems to help some people.

Truthfully I havent in a traditional sense, but I used to be part of some online breakup support groups...some friends and family also supported me a lot but none of it really works. I think the only other way is if I literally completely erased her from my memory as if we never knew each other...but that's just impossible.

 

[memoriesofyesterday]

Truthfully I havent in a traditional sense, but I used to be part of some online breakup support groups...some friends and family also supported me a lot but none of it really works. I think the only other way is if I literally completely erased her from my memory as if we never knew each other...but that's just impossible.

And I'm not here to challenge you or sway you. I just think it might be a good idea before you go.

I'm going to try and at least get help before I go. My case is a bit different, I lost my Mom. I worshiped her like a dog.

I can't get her or A mom back. You only get one, so to speak. If that makes sense.

Just a thought.

 

[finallydone]

wow, i never thought breakups could be this bad so i don't know what to tell you
as for being "met with cutthroat coldness", i can assure you some had it worse, i myself remember being laughed at and dared to do it by some "family" members but that doesn't matter anymore, as with anything else they seem to matter less as you mature with time

 

[Reflection]

And I'm not here to challenge you or sway you. I just think it might be a good idea before you go.

I'm going to try and at least get help before I go. My case is a bit different, I lost my Mom. I worshiped her like a dog.

I can't get her or A mom back. You only get one, so to speak. If that makes sense.

Just a thought.

I understand, I did try to get help during the past year, including therapy online, however nothing really worked. I think I tried my hardest. Also I'm sorry for your loss, and I understand what you meant in the end, I kinda feel the same way.

wow, i never thought breakups could be this bad so i don't know what to tell you
as for being "met with cutthroat coldness", i can assure you some had it worse, i myself remember being laughed at and dared to do it by some "family" members but that doesn't matter anymore, as with anything else they seem to matter less as you mature with time

Yes I get what you mean, at one point she even said "do it if that's what you want, I cant help you" or something like that, and a friend I opened up to didnt take me seriously and kept making jokes and laughing. Ultimately as much as it hurts I could care less with what they think, I just want to end the pain at amy cost.