i need help

[ksera]

I know I want to die. I cant take anymore. I held on through growing up despite the abuse. I ran away hoping for a better future but I ended up being used as a plaything. when I finally escaped I thought things were good. I had a boyfriend who wasn't revolted with me and the things that happened. I didn't see how controlling he was and I accepted his temper because it seemed better than what I had. I thought I was lucky for someone being interested. 10 years on, I had lost any control. he was the only person I saw. I did what he said. when I finally started to try to stop him he took what he wanted.

I am done. not in a dramatic way but I have really thought about. I had two recent failed suicide attempts. I am just not brave enough. there must be something/someone for people that need to go but need help to do it. I cant do it alone, I always chicken out. some lives aren't meant to be. that is definitely me. no dramatics. I just don't know what to do

 

[HGL91]

I know I want to die. I cant take anymore. I held on through growing up despite the abuse. I ran away hoping for a better future but I ended up being used as a plaything. when I finally escaped I thought things were good. I had a boyfriend who wasn't revolted with me and the things that happened. I didn't see how controlling he was and I accepted his temper because it seemed better than what I had. I thought I was lucky for someone being interested. 10 years on, I had lost any control. he was the only person I saw. I did what he said. when I finally started to try to stop him he took what he wanted.

I am done. not in a dramatic way but I have really thought about. I had two recent failed suicide attempts. I am just not brave enough. there must be something/someone for people that need to go but need help to do it. I cant do it alone, I always chicken out. some lives aren't meant to be. that is definitely me. no dramatics. I just don't know what to do

I empathize. I lived with a controlling BF for almost 3 years, and it was killing me.

Do you have family or friends you can move in with?

 

[ksera]

I have no one. my family were not good. I last saw them 6 years ago. my ex didn't like me having friends. I did what he said. I believed what he told me. I just need to end it. I have taken time for this decision. if I could afford it I would go abroad to do it. but I cant im stuck here needing to end it but with no way how.

 

[pole]

I know I want to die. I cant take anymore. I held on through growing up despite the abuse. I ran away hoping for a better future but I ended up being used as a plaything. when I finally escaped I thought things were good. I had a boyfriend who wasn't revolted with me and the things that happened. I didn't see how controlling he was and I accepted his temper because it seemed better than what I had. I thought I was lucky for someone being interested. 10 years on, I had lost any control. he was the only person I saw. I did what he said. when I finally started to try to stop him he took what he wanted.

I am done. not in a dramatic way but I have really thought about. I had two recent failed suicide attempts. I am just not brave enough. there must be something/someone for people that need to go but need help to do it. I cant do it alone, I always chicken out. some lives aren't meant to be. that is definitely me. no dramatics. I just don't know what to do

so sorry about what you've gone through. i think you've had the worst fucking luck.

held it in, grew up suffering abuse. tried to get better by running away and a change of environments, but in a way, you were still somehow existing in a negative environment because of you're then and now boyfriend and his issues of control. you should feel free, to do what YOU WANNA DO, not to be afraid of what someone else thinks of what you do. someone whos controlling is negative, and its as negative as the abuse you endured growing up. its manipulative. you got away, and wanted an opportunity to get better and forget about you're past, but wounded up in almost the same environment energy wise.

i just think you truly havent had the opportunity to get better, and when you have, you had the worst luck imaginable and wound up dealing with what you dealt with growing up, but in a different way. and thats so fricken awful.

again, im so sorry. but if i were in that position, id get away. u have once, you can again. iv been controlled and felt iv been told what to do for years, things i wanted to do i was told i cant do, and there came a point where i just didnt give a shit anymore and i WANTED TO DO WHAT I WANTED. Do what you wanna do.

 

[ksera]

I want peace. he took everything. he did everything. I hate myself. I hate my reflection. I hate remembering every day. I am trapped. the police want me to say, so they can put him away. that wont achieve anything. just a court case where I will be humiliated. I don't want to do it. I just want someone to know it happened. It was horrible. I didn't stop it. I couldn't. I don't want to live in fear anymore

 

[demonanon]

It will achieve something. It'll stop anyone being hurt by him again. Nobody can force you to testify against him.. but you should, he deserved punishment for what he did.

 

[pole]

I want peace. he took everything. he did everything. I hate myself. I hate my reflection. I hate remembering every day. I am trapped. the police want me to say, so they can put him away. that wont achieve anything. just a court case where I will be humiliated. I don't want to do it. I just want someone to know it happened. It was horrible. I didn't stop it. I couldn't. I don't want to live in fear anymore

sorry again :(. i know it happened, we know it happened, we believe you. the police believe they happened WHICH IS WHY THERE ASKING FOR UR HELP to put him away. This is gonna also make those like the jury understand and know it happened. It isnt humiliation. it wasnt ur fault, its his. its so easy to be manipulated by a loved one, whos especially controlling. but it definitely isnt ur fault, u trusted them, u loved them, and they toom advantage of you. thats humiliation towards ur boyfriend, not you. to be that type of person is a joke.

that environment you grew up in, you didnt run from, you lived through it with ur boyfriend. you still truly havent had an environment negative free, its like you've been followed by negativity all ur life, its awful.

but u have a chance here to do right for urself, do it. its more humiliating to him, not to you. jokes on him, cause hes screwed for his suffering he put you through.

 

[BipolarExpat]

there must be something/someone for people that need to go but need help to do it.

You're far from alone in wishing for this type of assistance, ksera.

A group or agency willing to help those of us who want a morally clean death (not to mention physically clean one!) with lower restrictions, an understanding of mental anguish and affordability would be..., well - a dream come true for many sufferers here and elsewhere.

iow: we're mature enough to know we want to "call it," and feel we have justifiable reasons yet because of the horror aspect, require some dignified aid in following through.

So..., come on so-called "enlightened society."

Let's stop damaging families for generations through the grisly discoveries of relatives, cease the self-inflicted gore fests that haunt our brave rescue workers and 1st responders and (FFS) show some mercy to those of us in never ending pain and desperation.

Your refusal to recognize is not entirely your fault. You're being deceived as we don't have much of a voice nor want one in today's society. We'd rather just leave you to it and quietly exit the premises.

The bad news: Celebrities and other richies (as I'm sure you're aware, ksera) regularly resort to graphic/disturbing and undoubtedly less than calming/peaceful methods for the same reasons (stigmas, fears, societal expectations, shame, selfishness) that good people like you and I may be forced to resort to similar means (heights, hanging, drowning, train, etc.).

In regards to being alone, I'm afraid the best offer around these parts (currently) is the partner thread :(

 

[ksera]

that's exactly what I feel. we are forced to keep trying and to accept help to move past it. I know I have reached my limit. I want to go knowing that. I tried. I gave it my all. but there is nothing wrong with saying 'im out'. its just socially not acceptable. I am of sound mind. I know what I have been through. I don't want to push through always having it with me. no matter how good things get, nothing can take the past away.

 

[HGL91]

that's exactly what I feel. we are forced to keep trying and to accept help to move past it. I know I have reached my limit. I want to go knowing that. I tried. I gave it my all. but there is nothing wrong with saying 'im out'. its just socially not acceptable. I am of sound mind. I know what I have been through. I don't want to push through always having it with me. no matter how good things get, nothing can take the past away.

Same. I feel like I have reached my limit and I'm so tired. :(