Venting I need help

[Qua]

Family problems been there my whole life. Family problems affect me greatly and I can't do anything but watch and listen to the fight, watch and listen adults acting like kids. Why do you have children? Why did you decide to have children?
Lately I found out, after 4 years of hiding it from me, that my mom's partner (that we've been living with for 4 years) is being currently looked for by the police and my mom has been pretending to not be in touch with him when in court. He won't do anything to help himself, get a lawyer. He realizes that he's hurting us by not doing anything, but he's not willing to do anything. I'm breaking down, I'm scared for my life. I'm 18 so if shit goes down I'm going to be by myself, court won't take me into an account as, oh we should take care of her she's a child, because legally I'm not. But I am, I am a kid that needs parents, that needs love and support. That needs a house that feels safe.
It's been getting worse. All the problems have been getting worse lately and I feel like I soon won't be able to take it anymore. I'm breaking down, I'm abusing meds and alcohol, trying to find an escape. I'm working out till passing out to let all my anger out. I'm destroying myself more than I have ever did before. I'm loosing it. I can't take it. If it goes on for longer, I won't be here any longer. I will hurt myself in one way or another.
I've been suicidal for many years, but it's never been as bad as it is now. There was one event in my life that completely broke me, but even then I wasn't as low as I am right now. I'm at my all time lowest. I need help, genuine help. I need someone to take care of the problems that my moms partner won't take care of. He's in his 40s but acting like a teenager.
I have a sister, she's 15 years younger than me, soon turning 3. How is she supposed to grow up healthy? She will grow up in a toxic household like I did. She will have trauma like I did. She will have father issues like I do.
I can't take it, I feel like my time is ending, I feel like i'm going insane. It's an endless circle, my 18 years of life have been filled with lies and pain and I can't stay strong anymore. I need help or I'll die

 

[Arahant]

I don't know what country you are in, or what your options are, but the immediate thing that comes to mind is a "crisis center".
Not sure if that is what it's called in english, but it's basically volunteer organizations that help wives of troubled marriages.
They give them a safe place to sleep, help them sort their affairs and get far away from their abusive partner.
If you could get in touch with someone like them, I bet they would guard you just the same and help you find your footing.

Another thing that comes to mind is, if your 3 year old sister is involved, she may need a foster family.
If she gets a foster family, a deal might be arranged to have you under their roof as well.
I agree that 18 years old felt like still being a child for me.
Your sister would also benefit from having you around in a new family.
I don't know what your mom is like, what she does to you both, but if she is toxic and abusive, you owe your sister an attempt to get you both out of there.
I don't know if you have grounds to go to the police, but I get the impression there may be, judging from how distressed you are.

I am sorry you have to go through all this, and hope sincerely you find a way out.
So much of our lives are influenced heavily by the people close to us.
I wonder how you might flourish if you had loving people in your daily life?

 

[mistymoo]

That sounds like a really scary situation to be in, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Contacting a crisis line is a great idea! I'm assuming you're in America? I would try to reach out different therapy offices and ask for advice. Obviously they can't give you counseling for free, but they might be able to give you advice and resources on what to do next. They might be able to connect you to other agencies that (for example) help with homelessness