I need help (first post)

[Folklore]

Hello! I just recently joined Sanctioned Suicide and I'd like to introduce myself <3

I'm not sure what to say about myself as it'll be unneeded soon, but my name is Miranda! And since I'm just joining, if I make a post error, please tell me so I can try to fix it (wrong category, title, if I need to add disclaimers, etc.)



id Like to provide my situation for Better understanding, so TW for. Well suicide

I have friends, a fiancé, and family who loves me. I two part time jobs, i love and enjoy them as in one of them I get to work with reptiles. everyone around me supports and cares for me in any way they can, especially my fiancé. I've wanted to be a mama my whole life, I've always felt an almost obligation- not in a negative way- to birth and raise a child of my own since my mother abused me when I was small. I know I'd be a wonderful mother and he will be a wonderful father, he wants to give this to me so bad, even if it means overworking himself because of my problem that makes it harder to conceive. We want to name our baby Jeremiah.
the only real problem I have in my life currently is that a small portion of my family disapproves of our relationship, as they are against interracial romance and race mixing. my fiancé is a black man. I feel ashamed when I try to hide our relationship but my family makes me ashamed when I don't try to. My fiancé says it's okay to hide us for our safety but by hiding the necklace with our named engraved in it, or our rings, to me it feels like succumbing to racism, and accepting it instead of taking an actual stand.
i am a paranoid schizophrenic. I overthink things. I worry about me, my fiancé, or my baby being hurt. I'm afraid I'll miscarry. I'm afraid I'll die in childbirth. I'm afraid my fiancé will die in a freak accident, I'm afraid my child will be kidnapped, I'm afraid someone will want to hurt me. But I'm getting help.
i know none of this warrants suicide but something feels wrong. Something in me Is telling me I have to and I think I have to listen to it.

im looking for a method of leaving, I guess, that meets these requirements

- not brutal. I don't want the people I love to find something horrific. I want them to find me and see me as peaceful and struggle-less as possible. I love them and I can't do that to them.
- not painful. I don't want my family to find out I went through pain, and I myself don't want to be in pain.
- Doesnt require online purchase.
- as less damage as possible. Like a car crash, or breaking anything valuable Is out of the question.

if someone somehow sees this, its not your fault. I love you So much and you probably did everything you could. I love you Ben, I love you papa, you can have anything You find in my room you want to remember me by. I love you all so so much. I don't want to die and I'm not sure why this is happening. If I do decide to live I want to talk about this. I'm going to write to all of you And tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you. I want to draw you all my flowers and leave gifts. This is the best possible life I could have had and I'm grateful I was given it. I love you.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

The methods are posted under methods. All of them leave other people hurt and traumatized.

If you're trying to avoid hurting those who you love, you won't find that method anywhere. The method being painful or not doesn't matter afterwards as seeing someone you care about dead hits the max level of pain.

If you have people who you love and don't want to hurt them, talk to them first. You can try imagining the pain of losing your fiance, but it's worse.

"Something is telling me I have to and I think I should listen to it." Most of us on this site have that in some form or another and it's tempting. I can't imagine what that is for you, but it's not something you should trust. Talk to someone about that voice.

 

[hellispink]

Those who TRULY love you and root for you would never disapprove of someone who loves you dearly. Analize your surroundings. They can be toxic maybe your family is very controlling and as you said, bias when it comes to stupidities. Dont let them decide your life when it ends. Grab your life by your hands and decide whats best for you. I am pro choice but i think you should think analyze before proceeding as you said you love your fiance and maybe thats your reason for fighting. Only you know what. By the wy the methods are in the search bar there are threads even if you still want to proceed

 

[King Ashoka]

To avoid pain in others. You have to make your death look like an accident.

Drowning is the common way normal civilian die everyday. Electric shock death during household repairing is other. Road crossing accident. Robbery scene gone wrong.

Otherwise you need someone help to kill you in your sleep. By pressuring carotid artery. Suffocating or anything.

Make it look like an accident. Then your loved ones don't blame themselves, they will feel little pain, but soon get relief that it was fate.

 

[WonderingSoul]

Hello Miranda. Welcome. There are mega-threads for different methods. You can find them on the search bar. Some of them you might just come across while looking through the forum. I can only point you in the direction you need the go. CTB and which method you choose is only your choice alone. Unfortunately, all CTB methods are brutal in their own way, even the most peaceful ones. I kinda agree with the poster above; maybe make it look like an accident ? Just a suggestion. I'm sorry you are stuck in this terrible situation. I hope you'll be able to be with your fiancé. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.