Venting I miss the love I used to feel

[Dizzylady80]

I have a pain disorder that has left me in constant agony, sometimes getting so bad that I can't speak or move. I hate it so goddamn much. I was so happy, I had so much love for pretty much everything, I could find the beauty in anything. I don't feel that anymore. I used to be reduced to tears by sunrises and sunsets almost every time I saw them. Now I don't even notice them. I loved every one of my friends so much, seeing them smile or making them laugh filled me with incredible joy. Now I have to force emotions around them, which is exhausting and feels awful because I can feel how fake it is. "Fake it till you make it" used to really work at first, but not anymore. I used to love MYSELF! God it's hard to even imagine that now. I was my own best friend, I thought I was beautiful, I was taking care of myself and I genuinely liked who I was. I hate myself now. I feel like a leech, I find myself repulsive, unattractive, annoying. My internal dialogue has gone from incredibly positive and caring to viciously cruel and everpresent. I've fallen so far, I don't want to fall any farther

I want to die before this gets worse. I would love to get better, there's nothing I want more than that, but this pain isn't gonna go away. I just hate this so much. All I wanted to do in life is help people, make their lives better, and now I'm gonna hurt the ones I love the most as much as I'm capable of hurting them! Ahhhhhh I hate it so much

I guess I just wanted to vent? Idk. I want to get through this, I really do. But I can't be a miserable burden and be in this much pain much longer
I just can't take it. I wanna ctb now, fill the damn tub up with water and bath salt and drop a toaster in because I can't afford N rn. I can't stand the thought of waiting

 

[Pravesh]

hi there i am sorry youre going through this. you can find love again , you can always make new good friends and see them happy and smile. you can feel be beautiful . you can help people , maybe volunteer or study social work degree .

 

[iHateMyselflokay]

I have a pain disorder that has left me in constant agony, sometimes getting so bad that I can't speak or move. I hate it so goddamn much. I was so happy, I had so much love for pretty much everything, I could find the beauty in anything. I don't feel that anymore. I used to be reduced to tears by sunrises and sunsets almost every time I saw them. Now I don't even notice them. I loved every one of my friends so much, seeing them smile or making them laugh filled me with incredible joy. Now I have to force emotions around them, which is exhausting and feels awful because I can feel how fake it is. "Fake it till you make it" used to really work at first, but not anymore. I used to love MYSELF! God it's hard to even imagine that now. I was my own best friend, I thought I was beautiful, I was taking care of myself and I genuinely liked who I was. I hate myself now. I feel like a leech, I find myself repulsive, unattractive, annoying. My internal dialogue has gone from incredibly positive and caring to viciously cruel and everpresent. I've fallen so far, I don't want to fall any farther

I want to die before this gets worse. I would love to get better, there's nothing I want more than that, but this pain isn't gonna go away. I just hate this so much. All I wanted to do in life is help people, make their lives better, and now I'm gonna hurt the ones I love the most as much as I'm capable of hurting them! Ahhhhhh I hate it so much

I guess I just wanted to vent? Idk. I want to get through this, I really do. But I can't be a miserable burden and be in this much pain much longer
I just can't take it. I wanna ctb now, fill the damn tub up with water and bath salt and drop a toaster in because I can't afford N rn. I can't stand the thought of waiting

You just described me as well friend :(

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Is normal to miss the last if that's where the best is. I miss it too. Around a year ago I was fantasizing about scholarships to Japan but now I barely go to college. Getting back to where it was requires a lot of effort and can go wrong in my case, don't know if it is in yours. Either way best of wishes and luck!

 

[All washed up]

I have a pain disorder that has left me in constant agony, sometimes getting so bad that I can't speak or move. I hate it so goddamn much. I was so happy, I had so much love for pretty much everything, I could find the beauty in anything. I don't feel that anymore. I used to be reduced to tears by sunrises and sunsets almost every time I saw them. Now I don't even notice them. I loved every one of my friends so much, seeing them smile or making them laugh filled me with incredible joy. Now I have to force emotions around them, which is exhausting and feels awful because I can feel how fake it is. "Fake it till you make it" used to really work at first, but not anymore. I used to love MYSELF! God it's hard to even imagine that now. I was my own best friend, I thought I was beautiful, I was taking care of myself and I genuinely liked who I was. I hate myself now. I feel like a leech, I find myself repulsive, unattractive, annoying. My internal dialogue has gone from incredibly positive and caring to viciously cruel and everpresent. I've fallen so far, I don't want to fall any farther

I want to die before this gets worse. I would love to get better, there's nothing I want more than that, but this pain isn't gonna go away. I just hate this so much. All I wanted to do in life is help people, make their lives better, and now I'm gonna hurt the ones I love the most as much as I'm capable of hurting them! Ahhhhhh I hate it so much

I guess I just wanted to vent? Idk. I want to get through this, I really do. But I can't be a miserable burden and be in this much pain much longer
I just can't take it. I wanna ctb now, fill the damn tub up with water and bath salt and drop a toaster in because I can't afford N rn. I can't stand the thought of waiting

I really feel your pain. I'm so similar to what you describe

 

[Dizzylady80]

Well I used to volunteer, and I had plans for nursing school. Now I'm so exhausted from the constant pain that I barely do anything

It's just all weighing down so heavily. I can't even think over my stupid brain screaming at me that everything I do is wrong and harmful. Stupid shit. I'm so ashamed of myself

 

[yetme]

I can totally relate(( pain ruined my life. It wasn't easy but I loved each and every moment of it. People simply don't appreciate life without pain, they don't comprehend how it feels to live in constant pain 24/7.