Aug 18, 2020
There are several reasons for that. I currently feel extremely unhappy. It is similar to the time prior to my last psychoses. I feel trapped in a situation that I barely can change. The courses that I currently have make me so fucking sad and depressed. I have severe OCD concerning studying and perfectionism. This is why I am extremely anxious and feel the urge to study myriads of hours. Though it feels so fucking bad. I think the sole reason why I have not already relapsed is the emergency medication. I have now holidays and I try that the tolerance to the medication gets less. I feel fragile as fuck. I barely slept yesterday. And today I try it again without the addictive medication. I hope it works better.

My OCD is so severe and the pressure in college is insane. I am so fucking anxious to relapse because the pain was unimaginable. Tomorrow I meet someone from my support network and try to vent.

I feel very lonely but this feeling always was pretty ambivalent. As I said it is pretty similar to the time prior to the breakdowns. I have a strong desire for a partner. I think way too much about a girl I barely know and I project my hope in her. I feel very lonely. But at the same time I dodge social interactions. I realized that and want to meet my close friends again as a countermeasure but it costs a lot of energy and they sometimes don't have time. I am sometimes too busy too. The difference is to the past that I reach out for help. Though it is useless. My OCD is extremely strong. I would rather kill myself than accepting mediocre grades or gaining weight. The thing with the grades is intricate. I probably cannot work so it is all pretty useless. But I pretend maybe there is a small chance to hold a job for my parents. The grades do not mean that much for me. I am not that intelligent but my grades hide that fact. I am so extremely anxious to fail an exam. I was in the past so anxious that I developed two psychoses and had something like to panic attacks. Why am I this way? My mom beat me up for many many years as a child to put more effort in my homework. I am doomed in this hell and I cannot change anything. This shit repeats and repeats and there is no escape for me except death.

The equation is pretty bad and unfair. My anxiety is really insane. I am not sure whether it always was this insane but it is insane since I started to go college again. The better I am prepared for the exam the better it is for my nerves. But we are still talking about an extreme amount of anxiety. I have to find a small sweet spot where I feel prepared enough and at the same time not to study till I collapse. Why am I trapped in this insane hellish scenario? This should be the best life quality theoretically because I am not in a major depression. (thanks bipolar) The past was even way worse. And it is stunning how low my overall life quality is. Suicide is pretty difficult and I try to postpone it till my parents are dead.

To the core of this question - the social interactions. I think there are different sort of interactions. The interactions with my closest friends are great for me. They are the biggest gift in my life. Though often we only have online communication. I have two friends at college. And we don't have the full trust level. This is why I cannot relax when I am with them. I have the imposter syndrome because they are so smart and I am just a pathetic overachiever. Though something different is even way worse the interactions with people I barely know. I have social anxiety I am so obsessed what other people think of me. I have to hide the fact that I am such a mental wreck. I hate small talk. Always after a lecture I immediately shield me from interactions. I think some people perceive that as unfriendly and kind of weird. But it is just too much for me. I cannot stand being exposed to the public. Lol.

My strong desire for a partner is so cynical. As so often with my illness the things I want to have the most seem unreachable. The last times I tried to start interactions with interesting women my brain almost had a melt down. My thoughts were faster than the speed of light. I almost became ill. So I am probably doomed to be lonely forever. But it is pretty hard to accept that. I think in my mind I rather prefer to die young than to accept that fate.

It is all a pretty nasty paradox. The weird thing is during my holidays I often prefer to spend my time alone. Sometimes with my friends but I am too lazy to decide for dating. So I am not sure whether my strong desire for a partner currently is only a projection or just like a dream fantasy so that someone can free me from my daily hell.

Fuck my life!
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Apr 1, 2023
I feel you my friend but i feel as tho you may be overthinking things a bit too much im not here to put you down in any sort of way but to tell you to let go and I know it could be hard but if you try it little by little eventually you will find yourself doing things you thought you would never do just some advice from a friend :)
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