Venting I miss my daddy…

[Mooncry]

I'm sorry if I use strange language here. I usually age regress involuntarily when I talk about this, and also I'm autistic, so sometimes I sound weird without even realizing. I just need to vent since I can't talk about this to anyone I know.

The main reason I want to die is because of my dad. I miss him so much and I think about him all day, every day. I just want to CTB so that I can be with him again, but the main thing that keeps me around is when I think "but what if the afterlife isn't what you think it is and he won't actually be there?"

The truth is that my life isn't terrible. I have a boyfriend who completely pays my way and a family that loves me and doesn't make me work due to my anxiety. I get to do practically anything I want and my future is secured, and I understand that I'm very lucky and blessed to have what I have. But what I really want is my daddy… I would have died a long time ago if I just had the reassurance that when I did, I'd get to see him, yet it's like I don't want to throw away my good life on a maybe. I want to be sure but I can't. Nobody can be sure of what comes after…

And while I acknowledge that I have a good life, I wouldn't say that I enjoy it, and that makes me feel so ungrateful. I have severe anhedonia that has sucked the joy out of 90% of my hobbies and it's only gotten worse as of late. I'm trapped in a limbo of "too miserable to live, too content to die" and I hate it. It genuinely feels like purgatory in and of itself.

I'm getting tired though… The longer things go on like this, the more fear of the unknown I shed. It's like I'm truly so mentally exhausted by the back and forth of planning my CTB date only to back out every time. And I know there's no rush in my situation, but it's really hard when you miss someone as much as I miss my daddy. He's my heart and without him, it's like it's barely even beating.

I hate this… I hate this so much. I really thought I'd be dead by now. This year will be my last, I know that at least. Sometime this year, I'll do it. I can't do another year, I just can't… Truth be told, the only reason I postponed CTB last night is because I found joy in playing a video game a few days ago, so it'll likely stay postponed until I either finish the game or get burnt out on it. Whatever happens first.

Gosh, sorry this was so long. I'm gonna go listen to music and cry probably…

 

[Apathy79]

I do hope for your sake your hunch about seeing him again is right.

I wonder what he'd suggest if he was by your bedside tonight?

 

[bankai]

Same problem. Absolute boredom, no joy. But I have a very good life. In terms of finances, everything, I'm good. But when I get up in the morning, I think of what I can do today. What would make the day enjoyable, worth living? Answer is nothing.

At least you have your father to look forward to. That's something.

 

[getoutgirl]

Grief and loss are terrible things to go through, I'm so sorry you miss him so much and that it is hurting you to this point :(
I don't think dying should be the best outcome of this, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the urge. It's painful.
If you are unsure about it, maybe it's worth sticking around for a bit. like you say, ctb ain't going anywhere.
I know that limbo you mention all too well, it seems like it is completely unrelated to how good or bad your circumsntances even are, though if they were worse it would probably feel even worse too. It's a confusing void inside and it makes that "sticking around" far from easy or conceivable in the long run.
Silly things like a videogame or song have kept me living too, pretty much alone, for a day but not for long. You have to hop between them and some days there is no energy to hop at all. I get that.

So based on all that I can only hope you have a support network to deal with these feelings. Don't know if you've told anyone around you the extent of how much you miss him and what it is brining you closer to do, or the depths of how awful and empty you are feeling currently. There are grief support groups even online and, If you haven't already, you may want to give those a chance. Don't think there is much else to lose if its anything or dying. But that's my opinion/advice. I also don't know what you've tried or if you are getting help.
In any case whatever you do I hope you enjoy your videogame these days, any joy you can squeeze out of those withered brains of ours is worth it, and also that it can get a little easier for you. Lots of hugs <333

 

[Mooncry]

Grief and loss are terrible things to go through, I'm so sorry you miss him so much and that it is hurting you to this point :(
I don't think dying should be the best outcome of this, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the urge. It's painful.
If you are unsure about it, maybe it's worth sticking around for a bit. like you say, ctb ain't going anywhere.
I know that limbo you mention all too well, it seems like it is completely unrelated to how good or bad your circumsntances even are, though if they were worse it would probably feel even worse too. It's a confusing void inside and it makes that "sticking around" far from easy or conceivable in the long run.
Silly things like a videogame or song have kept me living too, pretty much alone, for a day but not for long. You have to hop between them and some days there is no energy to hop at all. I get that.

So based on all that I can only hope you have a support network to deal with these feelings. Don't know if you've told anyone around you the extent of how much you miss him and what it is brining you closer to do, or the depths of how awful and empty you are feeling currently. There are grief support groups even online and, If you haven't already, you may want to give those a chance. Don't think there is much else to lose if its anything or dying. But that's my opinion/advice. I also don't know what you've tried or if you are getting help.
In any case whatever you do I hope you enjoy your videogame these days, any joy you can squeeze out of those withered brains of ours is worth it, and also that it can get a little easier for you. Lots of hugs <333

Wow, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. It means a lot to me.

Regarding death not being the best outcome, I agree that maybe grief alone isn't usually "enough" reason to CTB (I put that in quotes because I completely understand someone choosing to die solely due to grief.) But in my case, it's not my only reason, just the biggest one. Chronic depression and anxiety are others, as well as a handful of other things that I've been dealing with all my life. Missing my daddy is just kinda the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

I'm likely gonna take a bit more time because I'm sure I'll know when I'm ready. I hope… But I also know that there's gonna be quite a bit of "mind over matter" when it comes down to it and I'll just have to force myself to take the leap despite my fears. Anyway, I appreciate your kindness. Hugs!! <33