i miss my brother

[pumpkins334234]

he CTB 2019/11/18 . he would be about 23 now. it's a weird feeling being older then he ever was. i hope he is at peace now. i think about him everyday. i know being alive was suffering for him and i'm happy that he isn't in pain anymore. but i miss him a lot and i can't help but think about if it was all different. what if we were never assaulted, what if he was never addicted to drugs. he was funny and not very kind sometimes. he liked death grips and i played skyrim with him when he was in the psych ward after his first attempt. he punched me in the face on my birthday one time. he was named after my granddad. i am trying hard not to forget about him.

i have dreams of him a lot where he is still alive, and in those dreams he is happy and healthy and we joke around just like we used to. sometimes i think about a joke nobody else would laugh at but him. i miss him. i hope with all my heart there is an afterlife where i can see him again.

i feel very guilty about his death. he was a lot smarter and more interesting then me. he had more confidence in himself amd more potential. i wish that it had been me instead.

 

[thedevilwithin]

i can feel your pain through your words. it's heartbreaking reading this. your brother sounds like an amazing person. also, just so you know these feelings you feel, they are real. it's energy that will never be destroyed. your brother returned to the universe his energy will always and forever be with you and vice versa, you will always be with him. never forget him and keep your amazing memories close.


psa. skyrim is fucking awesome lol.

 

[WaitingPatiently]

i feel very guilty about his death. he was a lot smarter and more interesting then me. he had more confidence in himself amd more potential. i wish that it had been me instead.

Please, don't blame yourself for what happened.
In being here, you are honoring his memory.

Sending my best wishes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty! Keep the memory of your brother in honor. I wish you all the best.

 

[dtkdave87]

Sorry for your loss, it's rally hard to deal with the loss of a loved one by cbt.
Definitely not your fault.

 

[fleetingnight]

Thank you for sharing some things about him with us. I think sort of memorializing people by talking/posting about them is a really nice thing to do.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss I know it doesn't help that much to hear this from a stranger, but you rlly aren't to blame at all.

 

[pumpkins334234]

i can feel your pain through your words. it's heartbreaking reading this. your brother sounds like an amazing person. also, just so you know these feelings you feel, they are real. it's energy that will never be destroyed. your brother returned to the universe his energy will always and forever be with you and vice versa, you will always be with him. never forget him and keep your amazing memories close.


psa. skyrim is fucking awesome lol.

thank you, sometimes i'm worried about forgetting him or people not caring about him anymore so i'm happy that at least a few other people remember my brother for a little bit :) and you're right, i try to see him in everything good.

he was really good at it and me not so much haha. but it is very fucking awesome

Please, don't blame yourself for what happened.
In being here, you are honoring his memory.

Sending my best wishes.

thank you so much :) it really genuinely helps a lot to hear that. i appreciate it so much

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty! Keep the memory of your brother in honor. I wish you all the best.

i will! thank you :) i feel happy for him most days, but some days get bad. but, he is probably a lot happier where he is now.

Sorry for your loss, it's rally hard to deal with the loss of a loved one by cbt.
Definitely not your fault.

thank you :) i think he is probably a lot happier now though haha

Thank you for sharing some things about him with us. I think sort of memorializing people by talking/posting about them is a really nice thing to do.

I'm terribly sorry for your loss I know it doesn't help that much to hear this from a stranger, but you rlly aren't to blame at all.

thank you :) it's good for me to write it down so i don't forget, and i'm very grateful to everyone just for reading about him, his memory lives on haha.
it actually helps a lot, i don't know why, but it feels a lot more genuine coming from here then anyone in my real life.

 

[Gangrel]

I'm sorry for your loss. One day you might go play Skyrim with him again, who knows, it's a nice thought, don't forget to install a bunch of garbage mods that gonna explode your pc in heaven or whatever after life you believe in.

He might be happy but i'm sure he misses you.

 

[failure383]

I really hope my sister doesn't end up like you after me CTBing, but I think I'm completely delusional if I talk myself into thinking she will get over it easily. Inevitably my suicide will tear my family apart, but I think my sister will be hit by it the most.

 

[pumpkins334234]

I'm sorry for your loss. One day you might go play Skyrim with him again, who knows, it's a nice thought, don't forget to install a bunch of garbage mods that gonna explode your pc in heaven or whatever after life you believe in.

He might be happy but i'm sure he misses you.

haha, i don't know why, the last line made me tear up. i miss him a lot too. we played with the thomas the tank engine mod one time

I really hope my sister doesn't end up like you after me CTBing, but I think I'm completely delusional if I talk myself into thinking she will get over it easily. Inevitably my suicide will tear my family apart, but I think my sister will be hit by it the most.

i'm sorry, i really empathise with her and you as well. it's been a long time since he CTB, am i over it? no, but the pain gets easier and easier to manage everyday. these days i can think of him and his CTB in a more positive way, like joy that he is finally free. i hope your sister will get to feel the same way one day. if i could, it would be really nice of you to leave her a note assuring her you're happier this way. it's the one thing i wish my brother left me.