i miss him so much

[gizzreid]

my partner and i were together for 2.5 years and when i turned 18 i moved across the country to be with him in 2021. we had our ups and very low downs, someone was always being shitty to the other and it switched, but it was great. we were great. i love him so much. we went through so much shit together i can't even begin to name. he meant the world to me but becoming an adult has killed any optimism in me which wasn't much to begin with and i stopped showing him love in the way he wanted rather what i wanted. and i didn't fucking listen. i kept thinking if he wanted to leave he would and i'd be fine without him and then on monday after a nasty fight he blocked me on everything without a word and i've gotten the memo that it's over. i'm so miserable. the SN can't fucking get here sooner. i was already going to CTB and i even talked to him about it a few times (he said he'd call the cops so i didn't tell him i was straight up gonna do it) but i was gonna wait until it got really bad. i guess this is the time. i can't do it without him. all my life is him. i have no one in this entire state other than him. was i so horrible to him that i deserve this? fuck man. i don't even know what to do between now and when my SN arrives.

while i'm on the topic... does anyone happen to know how long SN from CCS typically takes to arrive from the day you buy it to the day it arrives? i need to make a game plan, it's just a countdown at this point, and then i won't have to suffer with this pain anymore. i already wrote the note for him, i made sure not to make it sound like i'm blaming him for any of this, he doesn't deserce the guilt but knowing him he'll still feel guilty to some degree. unless he's lost all positive emotions for me which i am happy not knowing.

 

[Depression]

I know exactly what you're going through. Honestly reading your post has broken my heart all over again. I'm so sorry. I know all the pain you're going through. It's basically the reason I'm here. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to reach out. The loneliness still kills me. You are not alone.

 

[gizzreid]

I know exactly what you're going through. Honestly reading your post has broken my heart all over again. I'm so sorry. I know all the pain you're going through. It's basically the reason I'm here. If you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to reach out. The loneliness still kills me. You are not alone.

thank you so much, this means a lot. i have good friends but they all automatically side with me and diss him when i'm the issue, i feel betrayed from the ghosting aspect but the rest is on me and i hate hearing all about how shitty he is when this may not have happened if i just stopped being so selfish. i guess i only have to do one more selfish thing for this all to end. sometimes i feel like joe goldberg in which the only way to stop me from hurting others is to not be alive

 

[Depression]

thank you so much, this means a lot. i have good friends but they all automatically side with me and diss him when i'm the issue, i feel betrayed from the ghosting aspect but the rest is on me and i hate hearing all about how shitty he is when this may not have happened if i just stopped being so selfish. i guess i only have to do one more selfish thing for this all to end. sometimes i feel like joe goldberg in which the only way to stop me from hurting others is to not be alive

I understand. My friends are the same. Just wanna bad mouth and go to the bar and drink and toss me at other woman. It's not me. Not anymore. She's all I want. And she basically is ghosting me too. If you ever need to truly just vent it all out you can PM me and I'll just listen. Or rather read. Someone here really helped me in one of my posts. I tend to be more private about my personal life that's the only reason I'm offering you to PM. I was too new for that luxury at the time.

 

[gizzreid]

I understand. My friends are the same. Just wanna bad mouth and go to the bar and drink and toss me at other woman. It's not me. Not anymore. She's all I want. And she basically is ghosting me too. If you ever need to truly just vent it all out you can PM me and I'll just listen. Or rather read. Someone here really helped me in one of my posts. I tend to be more private about my personal life that's the only reason I'm offering you to PM. I was too new for that luxury at the time.

i'll definitely take you up on that soon. right now i'm trying to get it out by writing. maybe i'll write something so good it'll get famous after i CTB and i'll be remembered as a great musician, that'd be nice. i feel so guilty because i keep thinking "won't he be sorry after i'm gone?" even though i know that's terrible. i'd never say it to him.

 

[Depression]

i'll definitely take you up on that soon. right now i'm trying to get it out by writing. maybe i'll write something so good it'll get famous after i CTB and i'll be remembered as a great musician, that'd be nice. i feel so guilty because i keep thinking "won't he be sorry after i'm gone?" even though i know that's terrible. i'd never say it to him.

Well if you do write something, shoot it my way. I love music and I'd love to listen to it.

It's normal to feel that way though. At least I think it is cause I feel a similar way.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a really awful and painful situation to be trapped in, it's horrible how existing can just get much worse and just lead to more suffering being experienced. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you find the freedom you search for.