chiikawalover616
irrepressible thoughts of death barbie
- Apr 22, 2026
- 2
kind of a vent i guess. even though i promised myself i wouldn't do this
im a professional animator, im making an animated short film on suicide. my plan was to upload it to YouTube, and by this august (before my birthday) id kill myself while im at college. and submit it for a film festival posthumously. I never wanted to live longer than that. I had everything done. I gave away my belongings, I bought the SN and wrote my note.
My only dream/wish before dying was to have people see my film, and appreciate it, and for me to know that I did at least one thing of use in this world. It turns out that the guidelines to submit a film to the festival are that you cannot publish it anywhere before that point. This really hurts me because it was my final wish to experience it being watched so that id be satisfied before dying.
But now im stuck with a fucking internal dilemma where i cant (without regrets) kill myself this August and i might need to wait until February to die. Is it even worth it? Why am i agonising this much over the fact that im basically delaying my suicide date and going through months of hell just so that i can have one experience ticked off on my bucket list. Its such a big dream of mine, to watch a movie I created presented in front of thousands of people.
I'm at a crossroads now, i don't know whether it's worth it. I considered uploading it to youtube and just killing myself. I considered deleting the entire film and killing myself. I was desperate and I didnt have access to the SN last night so i impulsively cut my wrists (i know, i know) very unsuccessfully and not even deep enough to cause death. It hurts so much. The last option is to genuinely Live until february. It's like im being sentenced to living. And the worst part is that it's my own self-imposed dilemma.
It's like everything revolved around that date. I broke up with my boyfriend because I knew i would kill myself on that date. I made so many decisions, and now it doesn't even matter if i don't go through with it. I feel like a failure and i feel like doing nothing. I don't want to get help, I don't want to suffer in this world.I want to fall into a coma until february and not have to do anything until then.
im a professional animator, im making an animated short film on suicide. my plan was to upload it to YouTube, and by this august (before my birthday) id kill myself while im at college. and submit it for a film festival posthumously. I never wanted to live longer than that. I had everything done. I gave away my belongings, I bought the SN and wrote my note.
My only dream/wish before dying was to have people see my film, and appreciate it, and for me to know that I did at least one thing of use in this world. It turns out that the guidelines to submit a film to the festival are that you cannot publish it anywhere before that point. This really hurts me because it was my final wish to experience it being watched so that id be satisfied before dying.
But now im stuck with a fucking internal dilemma where i cant (without regrets) kill myself this August and i might need to wait until February to die. Is it even worth it? Why am i agonising this much over the fact that im basically delaying my suicide date and going through months of hell just so that i can have one experience ticked off on my bucket list. Its such a big dream of mine, to watch a movie I created presented in front of thousands of people.
I'm at a crossroads now, i don't know whether it's worth it. I considered uploading it to youtube and just killing myself. I considered deleting the entire film and killing myself. I was desperate and I didnt have access to the SN last night so i impulsively cut my wrists (i know, i know) very unsuccessfully and not even deep enough to cause death. It hurts so much. The last option is to genuinely Live until february. It's like im being sentenced to living. And the worst part is that it's my own self-imposed dilemma.
It's like everything revolved around that date. I broke up with my boyfriend because I knew i would kill myself on that date. I made so many decisions, and now it doesn't even matter if i don't go through with it. I feel like a failure and i feel like doing nothing. I don't want to get help, I don't want to suffer in this world.I want to fall into a coma until february and not have to do anything until then.
